Journal entry - 1.24.08

It's funny how when you pray, God hears you.  I hate the prayers that go something like, "God, help me to understand this."  or "God, show me what I'm doing in my life that isn't pleasing to you."  or even "God, give me direction and a desire to do something different with my life."  I'm pretty sure He hears those prayers, and gladly says, "Comin' right up!!" 

 I have learned so much about myself in the quiet times that I sit and reflect.  I am a selfish person.  (Wow, that's hard to write/type).  I am always looking out for myself.  I want what is going to make ME happy, and I don't always think about how it will affect anyone else.  For instance... how about right now, when I have lost my best friend.  I am a selfish person for wanting this friendship, when I know that I am the only one benefiting from it.  Angie is not a better person because of me.  In fact, she is much happier and better off without me.  But instead of letting her go and wishing her well, I am sad and actually mad that she has moved on, because it's not just her moving on to the next stage in her life, but it's her moving on to the next stage in her life... without me.  I am no longer the focus of her attention.  She has different friends now, and that hurts, but it's the truth and I need to get over it and face it.  Instead of trying to focus my attention on being a better friend to her, and figuring out what our friendship looks like in this stage in our lives, I have spent my time thinking of all the ways that she has hurt me.  How freakin' selfish am I.  I hate myself for who I've allowed myself to become.  I am an entirely different person than I was in highschool/college, but not always for the better.

Another thing that I have realized about myself is that I'm never content.  I have a beautiful, nice townhome, but because it's not a house, or not as big as others, it's not good enough.  I have a stable job, that I am actually starting to enjoy, but because it doesn't pay like I think it should... then it sucks.  I have a husband who is incredible.  He is an amazing provider for us, he is caring, sincere, and is always looking out for me.  But because he doesn't "oooh and ahhh" over everything I do, then he doesn't love me.  (Obviously he does, it's just my crazy mind at work again).  Do you see the pattern here?  I do.  I get what I want; but then I want more.  It's like the term "keeping up with the Jones'", but there are no Jones', it's just me.  Why am I like this and what can I do to change? 

 Another thing I have realized is how much I depend on other people.  I am incapable of not just making simple decisions, but also incapable of feeling good about myself without being told to do so.  My self-image is so completely off.  For example, many of you know how much weight I've lost.  I can honestly say that in my mind, I have hardly lost any weight.  My sister took some pictures of me when I wasn't looking last weekend, and I happened to see them last night while I was bored and looking through Tyler's camera, and I couldn't believe it.  I was shocked.  "That's ME??!!??"  I seriously probably said that at least 10 times over and over again to Tyler.   If you've ever read "The Five Love Languages", you could have probably guessed that my primary love language is Words of Affirmation.  Words are so important to me.  This concept is hard for my husband to grasp... he does not understand WHY he has to tell me repeatedly throughout the week that I'm beautiful, and that he loves me.  He thinks one time every so often should be plenty, but to me, it's not.  Even on the nights that we go out and I spend tons of time trying to look pretty, I don't "feel" pretty until he tells me that I am.  This is a problem.  This has also spread out so that now I don't feel like I'm a good enough friend, sister, or co-worker unless I'm told.  My self-worth is slim to none.  I have always had a low self-esteem, but nothing like this.  It was during small group on Sunday morning that the "Ah-ha" moment set in for me.  One of my girls that I lead (they are 8th graders, remember) said "I hated the way my hair looked for school and I felt so fat, and kept telling myself that I was ugly.  Then I remembered that God created me the way that I am and that He thinks I'm beautiful... how dare I say any different."  Wow, I just learned a lesson from an 8th grader.  How embarassing.  But seriously - yes, words are important, but I shouldn't be so dependant on them.  Add that to my million-page list of things I'm working on. 

 I am living such a pointless life.  I don't want to just exist; I want to thrive.  I want there to be meaning to what I do.  I want to wake up in the mornings and actually feel like there is a reason to get out of bed.  I want to be on-fire for God, permanently.  I want to be important and make a difference in someone's life.  I want someone to say "I am better because of Megan and because she did 'this' for me."  I want a passion for people and to see others succeed in life.  I want to feel happy and careless again.  I want to smile and laugh like a child.  I want to feel and know that a calling on my life actually exists.  I want to feel passionate about something... I want my heart to burn for something, and never die.  I want to learn how to love again, and how to encourage and motivate people.  To be so passionate and in-tune with my maker, that everything I say and do is God-breathed. 

Heavenly Father, I come to you tonight completely broken, empty, and lost.  Thank you for those feelings - I know that means you are working in my heart.  Thank you for instilling a passion in me that I can't even describe.  I am a wreck.  My life feels so meaningless, and I'm so tired of it.  You have designed me for something so much more, and I praise you and thank you for that.  Please give me direction and a continued passion for something bigger and greater.  Forgive me for who I've allowed myself to be.  Forgive me for being selfish and for never feeling content.  I pray for a hedge of protection over my mind, that I would believe that I AM worth something, that there IS a purpose for my life, and that I would never forget that.  Forgive me for making myself feel as if I am worth nothing.  Forgive me for constantly telling myself that I'll never be good enough.  Forgive me for having such a low self-esteem.  I have been designed and created in your image... thank you for that reminder that you made me and love me just the way that I am.  I love you and praise you for who you are and what you're doing in my life.  Amen.