Praise God from whom ALL blessings flow.

It's hard to even start this blog post, as I'm still teary and still overwhelmed with all that has transpired over the last month or so.

Most of you would know/remember some of our journey the last 6 years. Buying our first home, only to lose it to a short sale 1.5 years later when Tyler was laid-off and I was unexpectedly let go from my job. This started a very long recovery process with our credit and we spent the last 5 years renting in Texas and here in KC. Which - of course - has it's perks. You're not responsible (theoretically, ha) for any major problems with rentals, but the downside is of course, that you're basically throwing money away each month and never feeling completely settled.

So, in April of 2013, we put an offer in on a house and were so excited when it was accepted. But then in June, once again, our dreams fell through. For unknown reasons that we still don't know to this day, but yet believe that HIS plan is perfect. HIS plan, friends... not our own.

I always had a hard time 'claiming' Kansas City as home because, when you rent, you're really not tied down anywhere. When you don't have a home to sell, you can essentially pick up and move at any given moment.

It was right around this time last year, when I heard so clearly from the Lord that we were going to be Kansas City'ians, not Iowans, like I always thought. When I finally realized that THIS PLACE (earth) is not our home, it changed everything. It brought a sense of contentment that I'll never understand about our circumstances. Man, we were sooooo close to the interstate, the school district wasn't great, and that rental was a big chunk of junk, honestly. But something transformed in my heart and mind when I began longing for more of heaven, and less of earth. The deepest sense of contentment that came straight from HIM brought us so much peace and joy in the mundane and disappointments of what had happened in the previous 6 years.

It was in August of this year when we started talking with a realtor, and the first sentence of our email to him read: "We really need a Realtor who is ok with us taking a year to find a place, and being patient while we wait to find the right home. We're not in ANY hurry to buy." He was the perfect Christian guy for us, as he never pressured us to go see anything. He also had eyes of steel for 'troubled' homes and told us up front that he'd never let us buy anything that he wouldn't let his daughter buy. Perfect.

In September we looked at a few houses and even made an offer on two separate homes that we thought would be the right fit. The Lord clearly slammed those doors shut, and while we were temporarily discouraged, we had to trust that the right one would come at the right time.

September 30th we made an offer on a home that had just been listed that day. I really had my heart set on a traditional 2 story layout, instead of a split like we so commonly see in this area. Also on my wishlist: a cul-de-sac, plenty of living space, a good layout for entertaining, and a good school district. This one had ALL my wishes, plus more. Before we put an offer in, we found out that there were 4 other offers on the table - the first day it was on the market! We almost backed out without even making an offer, afraid of disappointment, but decided to just give them our best. I remember going to bed that night and listening to Tyler pray "Lord, would YOUR will be done, and not our own." We knew our offer was less than others, but also trusted in HIS big and perfect plan.

The following day, by a complete act of God, the sellers actually chose us. We later found out that they are also believers, and had raised their 2 boys in this home from the day it was built. I'm going to go out on a limb here and say this wasn't a coincidence.

:)

And so it all began... selling of junk, packing, and moving. And on November 4th, we became homeowners again.

Praise God from whom ALL blessings flow. 

Our move went so smooth thanks to so many friends and family that came and just loved us so well over the week and weekend. If you could only see the tears dripping out of my eyes as I type this ....

November 6th we were able to move in to our new home, and our first order of business was to dedicate this place back to HIM.

It's not ours, it's yours, Jesus.
Have your way here.
Use us in this place, in this neighborhood, for your kingdom.

Holy Spirit... you are welcome here. Come flood this place and fill the atmosphere. Your glory, God, is what our hearts long for... to be overcome by your presence, Lord. 

Even to this day, it's hard to explain the way I feel.

I'm just so grateful.

For a transition with Jaxon's school that went smoother than I could have dreamed. For amazing neighbors that have welcomed us with open arms. For the location - smack dab in the middle of our friends, church, and Tyler's work.

And really, just for this home. Not with earthly "it's so beautiful and I'm obsessed" materialistic eyes, but rather with this overwhelming sense of gratitude for HIS goodness and faithfulness to us. We feel so undeserving, yet grateful.

We're so excited to see this next chapter of our lives unfold. And one of the coolest things that  recently happened... our sellers actually came over the day after we moved in to meet us. (!!!) When we were talking, they told us they prayed for us in the garage as they were leaving, that we would have more happy days than sad days in this home.

Man, what a priceless gift we've been blessed with. From Him and Him alone.

How quickly things can change.

It's been 2 months since our offer got accepted on Raintree Dr.

2 months spent dreaming about the boys growing up there.
2 months spent thinking about the fun parties we'd have in the beautiful back yard.
2 months spent decorating in my head, making plans, and selling our current furniture to buy different stuff.
2 months looking forward to not being renters anymore.

I started getting nervous a couple weeks ago when our lender starting asking more and more questions about our first home, that we lost to a short sale.  They wanted statements written, documentation of different events, and more and more paperwork to sign and return.  I started wondering why they didn't ask these questions during our pre-approval, instead of now, just weeks before closing.

Turns out my suspicions were right, when Friday afternoon the lender called with a teary voice and told us that our financing was no longer available without coming up with an additional $11,000.  She had taken our case to the National Board of Underwriting, and they agreed to let us buy, only if we could provide the additional funds.

You know how this ends, don't you?  We obviously don't have an extra $11,000 to put down (on top of what we were already planning on spending), so we are no longer buying this house that we thought was ours for over 2 months.

I cried.  I sobbed.  I lost my breath crying so hard.  Every time I picked up my phone and had to explain the situation to another person, I lived through the emotional roller coaster again. We already had the utilities scheduled to be shut off, had already given our notice at our rental (that is now for sale), and really had the countdown started for how many more days we had to accept those living conditions.  Mold and mud on the floor, water that did not run outside, and the list continues.  We couldn't wait to move out and have a place to call our own... and suddenly everything we thought was happening had spun out of control.

The next couple days were spent crying some more.  Luckily, we were in Iowa at the time, so we spent this time out on the river canoeing which was SO good and healing for me.  Tyler continued to hide my phone because all it did was upset me.  Disconnecting from reality was helpful.

Sunday morning, Tyler's family all gathered in the living room for live church via the internet, and of course, tears streamed down my face through the majority of it.  A sermon on trusting and faith... two things I had nearly lost at this point.  Why the Lord allowed us to get SO FAR into this house buying experience (2 weeks from moving), only to learn we won't be able to buy for another 1-2 years is something we may never understand, but faith is believing that The Lord is going to do what he says he's going to do... so obviously my faith is being tested.

At this point, it had been almost 48 hours since we got the news, and I was still so upset.  My eyes were bloodshot and nearly swollen shut, and suddenly as Tyler wrapped his big loving arms around me, I really started to question and wonder what the REAL reason I was so upset was.  Yeah, it's a house that we loved and dreamed about and called our own, but what was really going on?

Realizing that I was searching for happiness IN a house has been healing for me.  Realizing that deep down I am searching for many things... deep friendship, a sense of community, happiness... and temporarily finding it in a house was the real reason for my broken heart.  I love to decorate, paint, and the idea of turning this place into our home was so exciting for me.  I really had something to look forward to, and this was something that had distracted me from this "searching" that I am doing.

Maybe The Lord was protecting me from the disappointment I would have felt after moving in and still being unhappy deep down.  Maybe The Lord is protecting us from a job loss.  Maybe He has bigger and better plans for us, which a house could have stopped us from chasing after.

We don't know the reason.  There's a possibility that we won't ever know the reason.  But Faith?  It's believing that The Lord is going to do what he says he's going to do.

He has promised to supply every need we have. (Philippians 4:19)
He has also promised that all things work together for good to those who love and serve Him faithfully.  (Romans 8:28)

So, we wait.  We anticipate the good things The Lord has in store for us.  We look forward to Him fulfilling his promises to us.

And I would appreciate your prayers as I search for contentment in HIM and HIM ALONE.  And for peace.  Staying in our rental has not been easy for me, but I trust there's a reason for it and hope to find peace in this temporary solution.

I know what I’m doing. I have it all planned out—

plans to take care of you, not abandon you, 

plans to give you the future you hope for.

Jeremiah 29:11 (MSG)

I'm ready.

House shopping sounds so fun, doesn't it?

Browsing through other peoples homes, seeing whats out there, looking at their decorations and imagining your stuff in its place, picturing your family at the kitchen table or in the back yard playing... it all sounds so fun.

Until you start.  And then it isn't that fun at all.

We've been house shopping for over 3 months now and let me tell you how over it I am.

I'm over the disagreements between my husband and I.  He loves one house, I can't stand the layout.  I love another house, he doesn't the potential.
I'm over the disappointment after being turned down by a seller, or by getting my hopes up on the way to the house, only to find a complete dump.
I'm over the stress of it all.
But most of all... I'm over this rental house.

Jaxon is over it too.

I'm ready to have a place to call our own... OUR neighborhood, OUR street, OUR school district, OUR yard.  A place where I can finally feel settled, somewhere to decorate and make changes to without feeling like it's a waste of money.

As ready as I feel, I also am trying to find peace in The Lord's plans... HE knows way better than I do!  There's a reason we haven't found that house yet, and I am (deep breath) trying to rest in His perfect timing.

Pray for us, if you think of it!  I can't wait until I have some happy news to share, hopefully sooner than later.

:)

Hello... weeks later.

Hey there.

Remember when I used to blog multiple times a week?

Yeah, me too.  Life happens.

I feel this overwhelming pressure to blog but with the chaos that abounds in our home right now, I don't know where to begin.  I start to wonder how much I should share, and how much we should just keep to ourselves, so I figured I'll just start writing and see what happens.

:)

I'm afraid instagram has started to replace my blog, which is sad since I know years from now I will regret that.  I love looking through old posts, so many of them are ridiculous and I was such a dork (and probably always will be), but that was life then.  And this is life now... and I still want to document it.

So here we go, what's been happening in our neck of the woods?

Of course, day to day life with the boys... there's never a dull moment!
We've enjoyed a few beautiful "park days"... and then the next day it snows.  Crazy Kansas.
A few lazy days here and there as well.
Playdates with friends!
The flu hit Jaxon, and Praise the good Lord the rest of us have avoided it... knockonwood.
I celebrated my 27th birthday with friends, flowers, and a World Market + dinner date.  Perfection.

Cohen "graduated" from speech therapy... hooray!
Family night is always my favorite.
Coffee with my sweet husband is, too.
Family came to town to celebrate Jaxon's 4th birthday.
Had dinner with my BFF ... so much laughter!  I am so grateful for 15 years of friendship.

These boys are my life, can you tell?  :)
I love how I feel after a great workout.
I also love Erin Condren and her cute iPhone cases.
I don't love still not sleeping through the night.  I can't wait for Jaxon's 4 year old wellness appointment to talk to our pediatrician and pick her brain.

I feel so behind on the blog world that I have literally been avoiding my computer.  But then I see my amazingly cute new computer chair, and have a seat.  Try and tackle the 200+ unread blog posts in Google Reader.

So much cuteness inside World Market.  I'd describe it as a mix between Pottery Barn and Anthro, but way more reasonable prices.  Ahh, to win the lottery... :)

To close out the most random post in history, here's a glimpse at what's going on with us.

We are in prayer about a couple major decisions, and really would ask that you join us as well, if you think about it.  We've really been seeking the Lord the last few weeks and just as we felt an answer and one door open, a second door opened as well.  We've been struggling with which one is the "right" door and of course trying to decide which is best for our family.

I find so much peace knowing the Lord has our best interests at heart.  I believe He will continue to open and close doors, guiding us where He wants us to be permanently.  I also believe He will use us to advance His kingdom no matter which door we choose.

We just need prayer, and lots of it.  At times I start really freaking out about it, and almost feel like I'm having panic attacks.  Then I take a breather and realize it's because I'm not fully trusting, instead I am trying to figure it out on my own.  Never once have we ever walked alone - He is faithful.

You will guard him and keep him in perfect and constant peace whose mind [both its inclination and its character] is stayed on You, because he commits himself to You, leans on You, and hopes confidently in You.

Isaiah 26:3

After sharing our situation with one of my best friends, her reply was "I feel like amazing things are on the horizon for you guys, I can't wait to see what the Lord has in store in the next couple months."

I am clinging to that hope and join her in the excitement of seeing whats to come for our family.

In other news, I can't believe we have a four year old.  Angry Birds birthday party coming to the blog soon.

So much craziness in one post, but hopefully we'll be back to regular scheduled programming soon.  Thanks for hanging in there with me.

My thoughts.

I'm a little bit of a homebody.  I could easily stay home with no company for days (maybe even a week) at a time.  My boys seem to be the complete opposite of me, so we tend to be on the go at least once a day, whether it's to the gym or just to "Mommy's favorite red store" to walk around.

The shooting in CT a few days ago has rocked me to my core as I have sat and weeped for the broken families, the shoes that will never be worn again, the Christmas gifts that will never be opened, the car seats that will never be filled, and for the gaping hole in the parents hearts that will never be made whole again.

Moments like those make me want to stay in my homebody shell, with doors locked, where no one can hurt us... where I feel safe and secure.  I can honestly say homeschooling never crossed my mind until Friday when I started thinking "hmm, maybe I could do it..."

As I was sitting on the couch with tears pouring out of my eyes, threatening to never leave our home and never expose my kids to the evil of this world, I was reminded where my hope is.  This earth is not our forever home.  I can not (and will not) live in a bubble because of fear.  The Lord knows when and where he will take my family to Heaven, and there's nothing I can do to stop his timing.

As much as I'd like to think I can, or wish I can, I know that His plan is ALWAYS better than my own.  So once again today, as I wake up in a state of fear and panic for the world my boys are growing up in, I lay it down at His feet.  God, I say that I trust you.

Loved this prayer I read, by Max Lucado:

Dear Jesus,

It's a good thing you were born at night. This world sure seems dark. I have a good eye for silver linings. But they seem dimmer lately.

These killings, Lord. These children, Lord. Innocence violated. Raw evil demonstrated.

The whole world seems on edge. Trigger-happy. Ticked off. We hear threats of chemical weapons and nuclear bombs

. Are we one button-push away from annihilation?

Your world seems a bit darker this Christmas. But you were born in the dark, right? You came at night. The shepherds were nightshift workers. The Wise Men followed a star. Your first cries were heard in the shadows. To see your face, Mary and Joseph needed a candle flame. It was dark. Dark with Herod's jealousy. Dark with Roman oppression. Dark with poverty. Dark with violence.

Herod went on a rampage, killing babies. Joseph took you and your mom into Egypt. You were an immigrant before you were a Nazarene.

Oh, Lord Jesus, you entered the dark world of your day. Won't you enter ours? We are weary of bloodshed. We, like the wise men, are looking for a star. We, like the shepherds, are kneeling at a manger.

This Christmas, we ask you, heal us, help us, be born anew in us.

This stinks.

It's been an especially exhausting week, taking care of my 2 sick boys, and on top of that I was also feeling horrible a couple of the days as well.

It started out with a fever by them both, followed by a trip to Children's Mercy when it hit 105, and throughout the week other symptoms have slowly followed... coughs, headaches, not eating, sleeping a ton, and general laying around.  Yesterday when Jaxon's eyes started draining green nasties every half hour, and Cohen woke up with the same nasties this morning, we headed to the doctor... again.

I'm so glad I did.  Both of them have bacterial infections (which apparently start as a viral, and then turn into bacterial once it gets bad enough)... both have 103 degree temps... both have an eye infection... and lets through an ear infection into the mix as well, shall we?

My spirit is low this afternoon, but I cling to HIS strength...
"God takes the side of the helpless; when I was at the end of my rope, He saved me"... Psalm 116:6

I'm not normally one to "match" the boys, but I couldn't resist this time... a totally un-posed picture, of two sick boys, with their lovies.  My heart just hurts when they are sick.

Think someone needs new jammies, or what?  :)

I think it's true, that you have to have rough days/weeks in order to appreciate the good ones more.  I can't wait for next week...

I'm trying my hardest.

This week has proved to be another busy one, and I'm so thankful for the times we have at home to just hang out together and play trains.

I am trying my hardest to not "wish away" these hard toddler days, as I hear on a daily basis how quickly they will pass.  It's hard to see beyond this tough season with the boys, even though I know it's not a permanent one.  One day I'm going to wake up and they will no longer be interested in trains.  It will be Legos.  Then superheros.  Then friends.  Then girls....

I'm trying my hardest to soak in these long days... feeling like I'm more of a railroad track maintenance woman instead of a Mom, as I fix the tracks hundreds of times a week, and change batteries as if my life depended on it.

I'm trying my hardest to speak to them in a gentle, caring way.  To encourage them and recognize the good and not so much of the bad.  To discipline with love, and to tell them every night before they fall asleep how much I adore them.

I'm really trying my hardest.  And on nights that I feel like I've completely failed, I see grace in their eyes when they wake up the next morning and give me another chance to be better.

Workin' at the car wash.

Jaxon's best friend spent the night here this weekend, so we thought we'd put the boys to work.

out of focus... but my proof that this boy does not like getting his hands dirty!

Cohen was done... can't say I blame him.

The boys ran and ran and ran until the sun went down... I love tired babies!  Oh, and PS... little boys in swim trunks are just the cutest thing.

We had a perfect weekend... it was a great mix of getting things done, plus relaxing, plus just enjoying time together.

Friday I also got to talk to one of my favorite e-friends Leah, through her thick Minnesotan accent I was so thankful for the words of encouragement and advice she passed my way.  I love blogging and the sweet friendships I've made.

The Lord is stirring up things in mine and Tylers hearts, and while I don't feel like I'm at the place yet to share, I can say I'm excited about the days ahead.  He continues to open doors of opportunity and I couldn't be more thankful.

Tonight I lead worship for our small group.  One of my favorite things we do together... there's nothing more special and intimate you can do with friends you love than entering into the throne room alongside them.  My prayer is to be used as a vessel to lead them there.

"Not for us, but to your name be the glory!"

Hope you all had a happy weekend as well.  Bring on another summer-fun-filled week!

Marriage retreat.

re·treat: 

a place of refuge, seclusion, or privacy.

It hasn't been long since Tyler and I got away for an evening.  Just a couple months ago we stayed downtown for a "Staycation", and while we thoroughly enjoyed that night away, this one felt much different.


Friday night we arrived at the hotel to check-in and pretty quickly joined up with our group from church.  The leaders gave some quick instructions, handed out our packets, and sent us on our way... to be alone for the night.  Best.idea.ever.  The leader commented saying she always hated going on retreats or conferences and never getting any alone or "down" time with her spouse, so we were running things differently this time around.  Right on, lady.

Tyler and I decided to find a coffee shop.  It's one of my favorite places on earth... find a quiet corner, a cup of joe, and I'm good for hours on end.  Our only "task" Friday night was to do some homework, which I gladly obliged.  My husband isn't much of a DEEP talker, so it's pretty rare that we get to sit and have some GOOD heart to heart conversation that isn't fueled by a need to make decisions, or by something that happened.  The type of conversations we had all weekend long were solely fueled in love, and genuine concern for each other and our marriage. 

Saturday was spent in sessions with the group, but there was so much time reserved for talking one-on-one as well.  We reminisced about the past... one of my favorite sections of the workbook was taking a trip down memory lane.  We talked about the present, we prayed for forgiveness.  Another favorite session of mine was when we affirmed and encouraged each other... hello my love language!  And most importantly, the couple hours we spent studying and discussing where God is in our relationship was eye-opening and challenged us to be better.  Honestly?  There wasn't a single part of the retreat that I didn't like or didn't gain something from.  

We were away from distractions.

Away from stress.

Away from worry.

Away from responsibility.

Away from interrupted conversations.

I love the way that God showed up and met us where we are.  He not only spoke to us individually, but together in our relationship as well.  I love the illustration used that without God in our triangle, we are simply a straight line.  He is the core of our relationship... and as our wise Pastor reminded us, the safest place to be in your spouse's heart is number two, with God being first.

I can't say it enough what a great time we had. 

Do you even know how many times we raced each other to the car?!

It was child-like fun, all weekend long.

Also, a huge...huge...HUGE thank you to my brother and his wife (and kids!) for hanging out with our boys.  There are not sufficient words to thank you enough... for loving us and helping us any time we need it. 

Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude. It does not demand its own way. It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged.  It does not rejoice about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance.

1 Corinthians 13:4-7

Blessings.

I'm sure most of you have heard this song, Blessings by Laura Story.  The first few times I loved it... the next 5,000 times I flipped the channel because it started getting old... but this morning as it came on the radio, I stopped and listened again.

"When friends betray us, when darkness seems to win

We know that pain reminds this heart - this is not our home."

"What if my greatest disappointments, or the aching of this life

is the revealing of a greater thirst, this world can't satisfy."

If I'm honest with myself, I can see that a lot of time my "funks" come during times that I'm not being as faithful in the Word as I should be.  Once I can fully grasp that last line, "a greater thirst - this world can't satisfy"... that's where I'll find the peace and true joy I'm looking for.

This morning I took the boys to the children's museum here in town, and left an hour later carrying a yelling/screaming/whaling/kicking Jaxon, while Cohen walked beside us out to the car.  I told Tyler in tears, I really don't know if I can do this.  I have no idea what I'm doing wrong... is this horrible horrible stage ever going to end?

Then I came home and put the boys to bed, and read this article shared by my sweet friend Leah.

Jesus, thank you for always knowing exactly what I need to hear.  

3 hours until our night away at the marriage retreat!

I can't wait to be with my favorite person on the planet and hopefully have a chance to dig deep into our marriage.  My prayer this morning was that I have a OPEN heart, OPEN ears, and my defenses can go down... so I am able to really hear my husband and his heart... and anything the Lord wants to say to me as well. 

I'm confident this short break will also refresh me, as a Mommy.

I don't feel guilty about writing that, though I thought about deleting it.

"Short breaks don't make you a bad Mom, they make you a better Mom."

Or at least that's what MY Mom says, who really is fantastic.  I think she knows what she's talking about.  :)

All of that to say... thank GOD it's Friday!  Have a great weekend. 

Talking vs. Praying.

As you all know from a few posts back, the desire to want to live in Iowa someday is pretty great in my heart.  The night we got home from our visit there, we were on our porch watching the boys play and could hardly hear each other speak because of the interstate traffic.  Suddenly I felt the discontentment of city life reaching an all-time high and since then, Tyler and I have had multiple conversations about what we're going to do.

The interstate traffic is a pretty easy fix, just by moving to a different house.  The problem is this... we've moved 7 times in the past 6 years.  Moving "across town" doesn't sound appealing, even in the smallest way.

So, then we talked about buying.  With rates at an all-time low and our credit scores at an all-time high, we thought this seemed like a good option.  Only to take a couple steps back and say "but, is this where we want to live for the next 5-10 years?"  The answer is no.

We keep talking... and talking... and talking about different scenarios.  The "what if we did this" conversation rolls off our tongues on a nightly basis, basically just going no where, because there's too many unknowns at this point.

Then I stumbled across this...

{source}

... and it hit me like a ton of bricks.

We've tried to manage this and make this decision on our own without even consulting the one who ultimately decides.  

I am seriously convicted about it today as I think about how true it is... even on a day to day basis.  When I'm stressed out, or hurt, or EXCITED... I am so quick to call my husband! Call my Mom and Sister! Text my family and friends! ... without even praying about it or before I even talk about it with the Lord.  Either asking for wisdom, or thanking him for the blessing of whatever exciting just came my way.

We have certainly done a lot of talking and not a lot of praying about our future.  I don't know about you, but I find extreme comfort in knowing He already has it all worked out.

His plans are so much better than mine anyway. 

Hello Monday.

hello monday... I really can't believe you're here again.

hello time spent with my best friend friday night... good for my soul!

hello playing 'baseball' in the back yard

hello scary weather all weekend, so thankful that we are safe!

hello quality time spent with my husband 

hello busy week ahead

hello groundbreaking at church yesterday... can't wait for our new building!

hello lack of motivation to get to the gym... help.

hello baking cookies today for small group

hello being thankful for a "mundane" past couple weeks... a little bit of calm is always welcome

hello praying hard about our future

hello needing to get started on our passports for our trip to Canada in July... yikes

hello boys really starting to play together and become friends... finally I'm starting to believe all of those people who told me "they'll be the best of friends!" 

hello my boys ALWAYS looking dirty in pictures.  it's true, boys will be boys.  

my husband tells me I need to get used to the dirt. 

how was your weekend?  anything fun happen? 

Still believing.

Talking with my Mom today, I was reminded of something.

In the good days where you're on top of the world and everything is going well, and on the horrible days when you get bad news from a doctor and you feel it all falling down on you, the Lord's love is the same. We continue to look to the cross. 

It's easy to jump to "why me... why did this happen... what did I do wrong... what could we have done differently", and yet one thing remains and stands true.  His unfailing, steadfast, true love for us.  His love never fails, never gives up, never runs out on us. 

My heart is so heavy and I've cried off and on in the last day alongside my best friend and her husband.  Brian got some not-great news from their doctor yesterday about his cancer, and I feel broken for her.  Helpless.  So badly wanting to make it all right for them.  I can't try and comprehend how she must be feeling, but when someone close to you hurts, you hurt right alongside them and with them.

She may not believe it, but I still do.  I am believing for a complete healing over Brian's body.

It is okay to cling to someone else's hope when you don't have any left.  

God asks us to be patient, remain hopeful and keep praying. (Romans 12:12) Our time is not His time. 

I believe in a God who heals, one who protects, redeems, delivers, and comforts us in our need.  I am so thankful that He is right there with Angie and Brian today.  He sees the big picture.  He knows all, sees all, and IS all.

Will you join me in praying for them today?

I love you Ang.
xoxo

As soon as I pray, you answer me;

    you encourage me by giving me strength.

Psalm 138:3

Off the grid.

Sunday night it started. The aches and pains.

By Monday morning I knew I had it, the stomach flu.

Without going into too many nasty details, let's just say between the extreme cramps/aches/pains and the vomiting, it has been the longest and worst case of the stomach flu I've had in my life.

This is day 4 being bound to bed, and as much as I wish I could tell you I'm feeling better, I'd be lying. Spent a good part of the day at the doctor yesterday and left with an antibiotic, a nausea med, and vicodin (pain med). Hopefully this means I'm on the mend soon.

In the mean time, I'm so grateful for my husband who has taken such great care of me, helping me walk, tracking my meds, comforting me while I vomit, still kisses me and even dares to sleep in the same bed as this sicky. Also for taking care of the boys, along with my friend Andrea's help, I haven't had to worry about my Mommy duties all week. AND my Mom is coming today. Such a blessing.

All this to say, I'm still insanely sick. Wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy...not that I have any, but you catch my drift.

One last thing.

Vicodin is my friend.

Lent.

"God, our Father, you created us from the dust of the Earth. Grant that these ashes may be for us a sign of penitence and a symbol of mortality."

Ash Wednesday Liturgy 

For me, Lent is a season of preparation, much like the Advent season before Christmas. It's a time of reflection, a time for prayer. 

Not everyone gives something up. It's not "required" by any means. But the intention is to enter in to the struggle with Christ, to walk the journey to the cross with Him, and to use the time and energy you spent on something else and focus it on prayer, worship, and study. We sacrifice something we love in order to think about the sacrifice that was made for us. 

I've been praying about what to give up.  My first thought was social media... Facebook and Twitter.  I wouldn't consider myself a full-fledged addict of either, but both of those things consume more of my time than I'd like to admit.  I thought about giving up caffeine, mostly coffee.  But honestly, I think that would just make me grumpy and defeat the purpose.  I don't want those around me to suffer just because I'm making a sacrifice... ha!

I am praying about it throughout the day that the Lord would make it clear what He wants me to give up for the next 40 days. (yes, I know, I'm a day behind...)  And honestly? I'm excited about it.  I can't wait to see what happens as I focus more on HIM and less on the world around me.  Our small group is also going to be doing the Daniel Fast the last week of the Lent season, and I'm both excited and scared for that as well... mostly excited to see how we grow as a group and individually as well. 

Also in Lent, some choose to "add" something and I love this idea.  Each day over the next 40 days, I am going to either write someone an encouraging note, or list out things I'm grateful for.  I am working on my list of 1,000 things I'm thankful for (Ann Voskamp style) and this will help me get closer to completing this.

What is Lent about for you? 
Do you give anything up?

Insecurity.

Many of you already know that I love music.  Any kind of music actually, but specifically the worship genre.  Growing up in a musically talented home probably contributed a lot to this... being involved in every kind of choir, worship team, and band that I could find most likely did as well.  My Dad was a worship leader in our church growing up, and I was proud to follow in his footsteps.  I lead worship for our youth group (and for our church congregation from time to time) for 2 years before graduating, then my plan was to attend Mid America Nazarene University and get my degree in music ministry.  I'd graduate 4 years later with a great, high-paying degree (ha!), debt free of course (double ha!), lead worship in a church, and live happily ever after.

Except, that didn't happen.  Less than a month before I was scheduled to leave Iowa and go to MNU and room with my best friend, I attended a worship conference in Colorado Springs called Desperation.  While we were there, I could not ignore the Lord's voice and signs clearly leading me to New Life School of Worship.  Putting all of my previous plans aside, taking a huge risk, not knowing a soul in Colorado... I decided to go.  

I loved...LOVED...my time there.  I learned SO much from some of the best worship leaders in our country.  I lead worship by myself once a week in the prayer center, and made some amazing friendships along the way.  One of my professors (who was also the worship Pastor), took me under his wing.  He encouraged me in my abilities and spoke some truth into my life that I too often forget. 

All of this to say, Monday night I am leading worship for our small group.  A group of 7 couples who Tyler and I love like a second family.  People we've journeyed along for the past couple years... who have been with us in our ups and downs and anywhere in-between.  These people are some of our greatest friends.

But, here's the truth.

I am scared ...to ... death to lead worship for them next week.

You see, normally my role is one of a supporter.  Our worship Pastor {who is also a close friend of ours and also apart of our small group} is great, and I love serving on Sunday mornings alongside him.  Did you catch that?  Alongside him... leading worship by myself is terrifying to me.

I told a friend recently that I keep coming up with every excuse in the book to not lead.  Maybe I'll conveniently catch the flu next Monday... or maybe I'll just be honest and explain that I'm not comfortable doing it by myself.

Of course, just as I'm starting to make those things a reality, the Lord reminds me that I can do this.  I have the training, I have the experience... AND He will equip me for whatever I need. 

You see, my voice is not perfect... in fact, it's far from it.  Out of all the students and the major talent at School of Worship, I was definitely far from being the best.  I have a horrible excuse for a good vocal range.  I am extremely self conscious... I am insecure in my voice.  But I will tell you, my heart is in it.  I love to lead worship, NOT because of the spotlight or the attention, but because I love to worship.  I love the art in leading worship.  I love to try and create an atmosphere where people can let go and just spend time with Jesus.  Most of all -- I love how it has NOTHING to do with me and EVERYTHING to do with Him. 

So no... I'm not the best. Far from it. 

But, I am trusting in Him to take my best and give me everything else I need.  

I believe that I will be blessed for my efforts.

I am hopeful that it will be a deep and meaningful time.

And I'm praying for the hearts of those friends who will be there with me.

What about you?  If you're comfortable sharing, what is something that you're afraid (or even terrified) of doing, yet you clearly feel called to?  Even if means leaving an "anonymous" comment, I'd love to hear from you.  Maybe just saying it out loud will give you the boost you need to get it done.

I love sharing my journey with you guys.  Thanks for reading. 

Don’t be afraid, for I am with you. 

Don’t be discouraged, for I am your God. 

I will strengthen you and help you. 

I will hold you up with my victorious right hand.

Isaiah 41:10

Tragedy.

Two years ago today, Haiti was hit with a catastrophic earthquake.

I didn't go overseas to help, I didn't spend countless hours volunteering and giving.  I've been thinking about it a lot this week, and how I'm thankful for the people who DID give of their time, energy, and who made a lot of sacrifices to stand in the gap.

But, something I did do was ache along side them... and I prayed.  I remember my heavy heart.  As a new Mom, I tried to put myself in their shoes and imagine what it would be like to lose loved ones, to lose everything you once knew.

Sometimes it takes a tragedy to put things into perspective, and today is one of those days for me. In the midst of tragedy, in the middle of a trial... we may lose everything in this world, but we will never lose what really matters, our relationship with our creator.

I find myself going through these materialistic phases, where I want,want,want and after I get one thing, my mind jumps to the other.  It takes a heart transformation for me to realize what's really important.

source

Anyone else thinking about Haiti today?

Awareness of His presence.

I am with you in all that you do, even in the most menial task. I am always aware of you, concerned with every detail of your life. Nothing escapes My notice—not even the number of hairs on your head. However, your awareness of My Presence falters and flickers; as a result, your life experience feels fragmented. When your focus is broad enough to include Me in your thoughts, you feel safe and complete. When your perception narrows so that problems or details fill your consciousness, you feel empty and incomplete.

Learn to look steadily at Me in all your moments and all your circumstances. Though the world is unstable and in flux, you can experience continuity through your uninterrupted awareness of My Presence. Fix your gaze on what is unseen, even as the visible world parades before your eyes.

~ ~ ~

“Are not two sparrows sold for a penny? Yet not one of them will fall to the ground apart from the will of your Father. And even the very hairs of your head are all numbered. So don’t be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows.”
—Matthew 10:29–31

By faith he left Egypt, not fearing the king’s anger; he persevered because he saw him who is invisible.
—Hebrews 11:27

So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.
—2 Corinthians 4:18

{Jesus Calling by Sarah Young, devotion for Dec 7}

Xander.

Remember, this kind of thing is totally on my heart lately.

Then I stumbled upon this little guy's picture, and a fundraising opportunity.

There's a giveaway as well, but seriously --  I just want to spread the word about the little guy.  If you feel led, even $1 would help.

And, on that note I should go to bed before I start reading too many of these kinds of stories ...the ones that make my heart feel like it could beat outside of my chest thinking about the 143 million orphans in this world.

On my heart.

When I think about Christmas, I think about past years.  Especially as a child, my family cherished the season.  I can still sing you the songs that were played each year on a CD while setting up the tree... I can tell you the names of the nursing homes we visited... I can tell you the trips we took to see family... I can even remember a handful of the gifts I received.  I remember my Grandma being there with us, how much she loved to open any gift that had a cardinal on them, I can still see her smile.  I remember the years my Grandma Nancy was there, how her presence made the holiday even more special.  I remember going to bed each night filled with excitement, and Christmas morning waking up to stockings full of gifts... loving every minute.  This was my family.  These are my memories.  Some of these traditions I hope to pass on to my kids the older they get. 

Today my heart is heavy thinking about all of the children, throughout the United States and beyond, who will not experience any of that.  They are orphans, they are waiting for a forever family.  Maybe they are your neighbors, who live in a broken and abusive home.  They are innocent kids, all over the world, needing love.  Needing a smile, craving a hug.  They need a reminder of what Christmas is all about.  Can you pause for a moment and try to even imagine what it would feel like to not have a family to celebrate with... isn't that half the beauty of Christmas? 

Maybe it was my friend Grace's post that got me emotional.  Her paragraph that said "Pray for all the orphans, that are waiting to be loved and part of something that they don't know, have not experienced, something that we take for granted...the love of a family!" -- it hit me a little too close to home.

I hear a lot of people talk about adoption, and Tyler and I have talked and began to pray about it as well.  There's a startling statistic that talks about how 30% of people talk about adopting, and yet only 2% take the first steps in doing something about it. {source}  My mood today is somber.  Something needs to happen, I'm just not sure what it is yet. 

I have no idea what this means for me or my family.  Maybe my role is just to pray for orphans.  Maybe my role is to support people in prayer and financially who are adopting.  Maybe this is the Lord's way of asking us to sponsor a child.  Maybe someday, we will add another member to our family through adoption.  

I have no idea what is going on in my heart ... but I can't deny that it's something.