Cohen - 18 months.

I know every post of mine about the boys growing up begins with "how did this happen" and "time goes too quickly".  I hate cliche sayings as much as the rest of you, but those 2 statements will always ring true.

Cohen Michael,
Today you are 18 months old... 1.5 years old... inching closer to 2 every day.  It feels impossible, yet it feels like you've been in our family all along.  You make me smile on a daily basis and your laugh is one of the most contagious I've heard.

You and Jaxon are really starting to play together.  Every morning as I get you out of your crib, you point and say "ah?", which I know means you want to see your brother.  I carry you down the hallway as your legs start squirming out of my arms the closer we get to Jax.  As soon as you see him, your smile appears and again, with the "ah?", so that Jaxon will acknowledge you.  Then your day with him begins, at his side.  You are a train lover which I'm positive is a direct effect that your brother has had on you.  You are his side-kick.  If he is in time-out, so are you, by your choice only.  If he has been sent to his room, you are outside his door waiting for him to come out.  If he's napping while you're awake, you knock on his door.  Long gone are the days of different meals or drinks for you boys.  You have to have whatever Jaxon has, fork and all.  Of course this means fights between the two of you have also began, but of course that is inevitable.  One of these days I know I'll find you guys wrestling and won't be able to do anything about it.

(WAY overdue for a haircut at Easter time)

You're also a huge fan of your Daddy.  You cry when he leaves a room and jump up and down (or try to!) when he gets home from work.  That's alright.... he's a really great guy and I'm so glad you love him as much as you do.  I happen to think you'll always be a Momma's boy deep down.

Your vocabulary primarily consists of "ah... ah??... ah!!" for everything, and once in a while we'll get a "Mama" or "Dada" out of you.  I have always heard that the second child speaks quicker than the first one did, but that's definitely not the case in our family.  Jaxon was pretty delayed in his speech, and I haven't figured out yet if you're going to be that way as well, or if you're just extremely stubborn.  Time will tell.

You have a huge love/hate relationship with dogs.  You get excited about them from a distance, but get nervous/scared once they get close.  You would spend all day every day outdoors if I allowed, and start yelling from excitement if I announce we're going bye-bye.  You are extremely attached to your monkey, and of course your binky and blanket as well.  You can follow almost any direction I give you, such as "go get your shoes" - "can you throw that away?" - "go find your monkey!" - "go put this away, please." - etc.  You love to give hi-5's to anyone who asks for one, as well as kisses and hugs, and wow... you are a dancin' machine!  I love your tender and sweet heart, although you definitely have an ornery side to you as well.  Your nickname quickly became "honey badger" and if anyone has seen the youTube video, they know why.

Probably the most "unique" thing about you right now is how you LOVE to stuff things down your pants or shirt.  We find your binky in the foot of your jammies frequently, and any time food quickly disappears, it's because it's in your pants or down your shirt.  You love to stuff toys down there as well, and think it's the funniest thing when they fall out as you start walking.

This is one of my favorite stages, as you are becoming more independent but yet still want & need Mommy. You are discovering new things each day, and I love how your personality is really starting to shine.  You are officially a "big boy", as people constantly remind me when they see you.  One of the most frequent things I've heard lately is "he looks all grown up... not a baby anymore!"  Yes, it is true, though most days I still can't believe it.

I love you, Cohen Michael!  I am so thankful that I was chosen as your Mommy.

Blessings.

I'm sure most of you have heard this song, Blessings by Laura Story.  The first few times I loved it... the next 5,000 times I flipped the channel because it started getting old... but this morning as it came on the radio, I stopped and listened again.

"When friends betray us, when darkness seems to win

We know that pain reminds this heart - this is not our home."

"What if my greatest disappointments, or the aching of this life

is the revealing of a greater thirst, this world can't satisfy."

If I'm honest with myself, I can see that a lot of time my "funks" come during times that I'm not being as faithful in the Word as I should be.  Once I can fully grasp that last line, "a greater thirst - this world can't satisfy"... that's where I'll find the peace and true joy I'm looking for.

This morning I took the boys to the children's museum here in town, and left an hour later carrying a yelling/screaming/whaling/kicking Jaxon, while Cohen walked beside us out to the car.  I told Tyler in tears, I really don't know if I can do this.  I have no idea what I'm doing wrong... is this horrible horrible stage ever going to end?

Then I came home and put the boys to bed, and read this article shared by my sweet friend Leah.

Jesus, thank you for always knowing exactly what I need to hear.  

3 hours until our night away at the marriage retreat!

I can't wait to be with my favorite person on the planet and hopefully have a chance to dig deep into our marriage.  My prayer this morning was that I have a OPEN heart, OPEN ears, and my defenses can go down... so I am able to really hear my husband and his heart... and anything the Lord wants to say to me as well. 

I'm confident this short break will also refresh me, as a Mommy.

I don't feel guilty about writing that, though I thought about deleting it.

"Short breaks don't make you a bad Mom, they make you a better Mom."

Or at least that's what MY Mom says, who really is fantastic.  I think she knows what she's talking about.  :)

All of that to say... thank GOD it's Friday!  Have a great weekend. 

In a mood.

I don't know what my deal is, but I'm in quite the funk lately.

I think about deleting my facebook everyday and recently started feeling the same about my blog.  On the days I don't write, I sometimes flip through old posts and then remember why I do it... to help preserve some memories.  I use to scrapbook, which is laughable at this point in my life, but now I love to look through the old albums and remember things I would have otherwise forgotten.  I hope the same rings true for this blog of mine.

I've just felt really anxious the last few days and can't put my finger on why.  Nothing bad happening in our lives, and for a while I was really thankful that nothing "huge" was going on either.  No major life decisions to make, no big problems... daily life has just been quiet and pretty mundane.  I heard once that we (as humans) are all getting ready to go through a trial, just getting over one, or just beginning one... so right now, I am trying to enjoy this in-between season where nothing major is happening.

It's been a tough last couple weeks in my relationship with Jaxon.  We butt-heads on a daily basis and I can't figure out what's going on with him.  He tells me about 10 times a day how tired he is, but doesn't take longer naps and won't go to bed early when we try.  He has reverted back to a lot of "baby" things... the baby talk, the frequent accidents (after being accident-free for months and months!), the HUGE tantrums, not listening, and ohmygosh... his whining is going to send me to a mental institute.

3's are no joke, people.

This isn't a post where I have a "lightbulb" moment and a great ending.  This is real life, where I have a serious case of funk and can't seem to snap out of it.  And this is my blog... the one that I want to run from, but am choosing to do the opposite, because I know that writing really helps sometimes.

I so badly wish I could go for a run to get those endorphin's pumping, but hardly making it up our stairs carrying a load of laundry yesterday made it pretty clear that my knees are shot.

I am going to make a conscious effort to choose joy this afternoon.

Some days, it's just a lot harder than others.

Hello Monday.

Hello Monday...  It may or not be 8pm as I type this, but it's till Monday.  :)  It was "one of those days" today.  Jaxon has a nasty cold and fever so we spent the majority of it being lazy.  Once he decided he wanted to go outside, he went out to play looking like this:

...Yep, like I said.  One of those days.  

Hello busy busy busy past few days.  It was fun, but I'm super exhausted today.

Hello my parents coming to stay overnight.  I love love love hosting people at our home... it makes me so happy.

Hello baby shower and birthday party within hours of each other, which thankfully allowed for about an hour in-between of sitting on the deck in the sunshine with my main squeeze.  We enjoyed some Sonic drinks (vanilla diet coke anyone?) and loved the moment of "nothingness" while the boys napped in-between all the other events of the day. 

Hello prayer service for my best friend + her husband... lots of tears in the sweet presence of Jesus!  Loved seeing her parents as well, as they were essentially my second parents in high school.  Hi Pam :)

Hello great church service yesterday.  I cried through the majority of it!

Hello swimming yesterday afternoon at the indoor pool at our gym... the boys had a blast. And being in a swimsuit was a good motivation to get my rear to the gym this week... ha! 

Hello relaxing in my hubby's arms.

Hello my lap hardly being big enough for both boys to sit in anymore.  I love it when they both want to sit with Mommy.

Hello quiet week ahead.

Hello HOT temperatures this week... yuck.  Go away heat + humidity.

Hello marriage retreat in 4 days!  Can't wait.

Hello beautiful flowers picked from our rose bush by my sweet husband.  Probably one of the better parts of this day! 

How was your weekend?  What's the weather like where you are? 

Tidbits.

- Our church broke ground on Sunday for our new building.  The church has been meeting in an Elementary school for the past 15 (or more?) years, so this is HUGE!  We are so excited about the possibilities that we'll finally have once we're on our own property.

- Tyler and I are going to a marriage retreat next weekend and I can't wait.  We get to stay overnight downtown (again, yay!) and spend some time in the Word together.  I'm also excited to get to know some couples from our church that we don't know well!

- Erin Condren is running another promo through Plum District... you get $50 worth of goodies for $25!  Click here to purchase. 

- I love the age Cohen is at right now.  There's definitely frustrating times for us both since he's not talking yet, but this age of learning and growing and just being silly is SO fun.  This was one of my favorite ages with Jaxon as well.

- I have been running lately and in the last month or so have really started enjoying it.  My Sister is the runner, not me, so this is definitely a whole new world for me.  Of course, just as I've started enjoying it, my knees are not having it.  They ache and burn all.day.long, even on the days I don't run. I had knee surgery in high school and the surgeon told me I would never be able to be a runner... for a long time I used that as an excuse, but now I'm starting to believe it... and I'm super bummed about it.  As we speak, I've just taken more ibuprofen and have ice on them.  Big sad face.

- Yesterday my friend Andrea and I went out for coffee and then took the boys to storytime at the library.  The coffee shop had a big play area for kids which I thought was GENIUS!  Non-mommy's might disagree, but I loved it.

- I am in another redecorating mood and I think my living room is next on my hit list.  I love this rug but can't decide if it's too modern for my house, as much as I don't want it to be!

- We're looking into buying a cow (for the quality + better price) but haven't had any luck yet.  I've gotten a couple leads, but both are too expensive at $4-5 a pound.  I know it's better quality, but at this point in our lives we're just looking to save money, not have the best meat on the market.

- We have a super busy weekend ahead, but I'm looking forward to it!  It will be one packed to the brim with family and friends... one of my favorite kinds!

Talking vs. Praying.

As you all know from a few posts back, the desire to want to live in Iowa someday is pretty great in my heart.  The night we got home from our visit there, we were on our porch watching the boys play and could hardly hear each other speak because of the interstate traffic.  Suddenly I felt the discontentment of city life reaching an all-time high and since then, Tyler and I have had multiple conversations about what we're going to do.

The interstate traffic is a pretty easy fix, just by moving to a different house.  The problem is this... we've moved 7 times in the past 6 years.  Moving "across town" doesn't sound appealing, even in the smallest way.

So, then we talked about buying.  With rates at an all-time low and our credit scores at an all-time high, we thought this seemed like a good option.  Only to take a couple steps back and say "but, is this where we want to live for the next 5-10 years?"  The answer is no.

We keep talking... and talking... and talking about different scenarios.  The "what if we did this" conversation rolls off our tongues on a nightly basis, basically just going no where, because there's too many unknowns at this point.

Then I stumbled across this...

{source}

... and it hit me like a ton of bricks.

We've tried to manage this and make this decision on our own without even consulting the one who ultimately decides.  

I am seriously convicted about it today as I think about how true it is... even on a day to day basis.  When I'm stressed out, or hurt, or EXCITED... I am so quick to call my husband! Call my Mom and Sister! Text my family and friends! ... without even praying about it or before I even talk about it with the Lord.  Either asking for wisdom, or thanking him for the blessing of whatever exciting just came my way.

We have certainly done a lot of talking and not a lot of praying about our future.  I don't know about you, but I find extreme comfort in knowing He already has it all worked out.

His plans are so much better than mine anyway. 

Hello Monday.

hello monday... I really can't believe you're here again.

hello time spent with my best friend friday night... good for my soul!

hello playing 'baseball' in the back yard

hello scary weather all weekend, so thankful that we are safe!

hello quality time spent with my husband 

hello busy week ahead

hello groundbreaking at church yesterday... can't wait for our new building!

hello lack of motivation to get to the gym... help.

hello baking cookies today for small group

hello being thankful for a "mundane" past couple weeks... a little bit of calm is always welcome

hello praying hard about our future

hello needing to get started on our passports for our trip to Canada in July... yikes

hello boys really starting to play together and become friends... finally I'm starting to believe all of those people who told me "they'll be the best of friends!" 

hello my boys ALWAYS looking dirty in pictures.  it's true, boys will be boys.  

my husband tells me I need to get used to the dirt. 

how was your weekend?  anything fun happen? 

Still believing.

Talking with my Mom today, I was reminded of something.

In the good days where you're on top of the world and everything is going well, and on the horrible days when you get bad news from a doctor and you feel it all falling down on you, the Lord's love is the same. We continue to look to the cross. 

It's easy to jump to "why me... why did this happen... what did I do wrong... what could we have done differently", and yet one thing remains and stands true.  His unfailing, steadfast, true love for us.  His love never fails, never gives up, never runs out on us. 

My heart is so heavy and I've cried off and on in the last day alongside my best friend and her husband.  Brian got some not-great news from their doctor yesterday about his cancer, and I feel broken for her.  Helpless.  So badly wanting to make it all right for them.  I can't try and comprehend how she must be feeling, but when someone close to you hurts, you hurt right alongside them and with them.

She may not believe it, but I still do.  I am believing for a complete healing over Brian's body.

It is okay to cling to someone else's hope when you don't have any left.  

God asks us to be patient, remain hopeful and keep praying. (Romans 12:12) Our time is not His time. 

I believe in a God who heals, one who protects, redeems, delivers, and comforts us in our need.  I am so thankful that He is right there with Angie and Brian today.  He sees the big picture.  He knows all, sees all, and IS all.

Will you join me in praying for them today?

I love you Ang.
xoxo

As soon as I pray, you answer me;

    you encourage me by giving me strength.

Psalm 138:3

Hey there.

Has it really been 2 weeks since I've blogged?

Sorry about that.

My 4 days in Arizona was a blast... I was able to spend some quality time with my parents and family who I don't see near enough, take some wedding pictures, and even had an entire morning of sitting by the pool with a book and coffee.  But by Sunday morning, I was more than ready to be home... I missed my boys!

Last week every waking moment was spent with them.  Between being sick for 9 days and then being out of state for 4 days the following week, my Mama-meter was in overdrive.

Then this past weekend we traveled to Iowa for Easter... first, we spent a couple days with Tyler's family for his Mom's birthday, and then Saturday night we traveled a bit south to help my Sister + her hubby move into their new house.

We had a great time at both places and talked a lot on the way home about how we love the way small towns force you to slow down. Being in the country, or even in a tiny town really helps you to just be.  Of course living there you don't realize it... you just focus on the fact that the nearest Target is 45 minutes away and all of the drama that abounds, but from the outside looking in, that life seems inviting.

Growing up in a small town and really loving my childhood is making me want that for my boys.

A town that they can ride their bike to their friends house and just be home by a certain hour.
Dirty cars from gravel roads.
No interstates or heavy traffic.
A low cost of living.
My boys spending hours outdoors and needing a bath from having too much fun.
Little to no crime.
Fresh air... green grass... corn and bean fields surrounding.
Older homes full of character.

I bet you can guess what is on my mind today.  :)

I have had to make a conscious effort today to try and stay positive and be thankful for what we have here in Kansas City.  Great friends, a roof over our heads, and hundreds of stores and restaurants just a couple blocks away.

But man, oh man... I think I left my heart in Iowa this weekend.