2 months spent dreaming about the boys growing up there.
2 months spent thinking about the fun parties we'd have in the beautiful back yard.
2 months spent decorating in my head, making plans, and selling our current furniture to buy different stuff.
2 months looking forward to not being renters anymore.
I started getting nervous a couple weeks ago when our lender starting asking more and more questions about our first home, that we lost to a short sale. They wanted statements written, documentation of different events, and more and more paperwork to sign and return. I started wondering why they didn't ask these questions during our pre-approval, instead of now, just weeks before closing.
Turns out my suspicions were right, when Friday afternoon the lender called with a teary voice and told us that our financing was no longer available without coming up with an additional $11,000. She had taken our case to the National Board of Underwriting, and they agreed to let us buy, only if we could provide the additional funds.
You know how this ends, don't you? We obviously don't have an extra $11,000 to put down (on top of what we were already planning on spending), so we are no longer buying this house that we thought was ours for over 2 months.
I cried. I sobbed. I lost my breath crying so hard. Every time I picked up my phone and had to explain the situation to another person, I lived through the emotional roller coaster again. We already had the utilities scheduled to be shut off, had already given our notice at our rental (that is now for sale), and really had the countdown started for how many more days we had to accept those living conditions. Mold and mud on the floor, water that did not run outside, and the list continues. We couldn't wait to move out and have a place to call our own... and suddenly everything we thought was happening had spun out of control.
The next couple days were spent crying some more. Luckily, we were in Iowa at the time, so we spent this time out on the river canoeing which was SO good and healing for me. Tyler continued to hide my phone because all it did was upset me. Disconnecting from reality was helpful.
Sunday morning, Tyler's family all gathered in the living room for live church via the internet, and of course, tears streamed down my face through the majority of it. A sermon on trusting and faith... two things I had nearly lost at this point. Why the Lord allowed us to get SO FAR into this house buying experience (2 weeks from moving), only to learn we won't be able to buy for another 1-2 years is something we may never understand, but faith is believing that The Lord is going to do what he says he's going to do... so obviously my faith is being tested.
At this point, it had been almost 48 hours since we got the news, and I was still so upset. My eyes were bloodshot and nearly swollen shut, and suddenly as Tyler wrapped his big loving arms around me, I really started to question and wonder what the REAL reason I was so upset was. Yeah, it's a house that we loved and dreamed about and called our own, but what was really going on?
Realizing that I was searching for happiness IN a house has been healing for me. Realizing that deep down I am searching for many things... deep friendship, a sense of community, happiness... and temporarily finding it in a house was the real reason for my broken heart. I love to decorate, paint, and the idea of turning this place into our home was so exciting for me. I really had something to look forward to, and this was something that had distracted me from this "searching" that I am doing.
Maybe The Lord was protecting me from the disappointment I would have felt after moving in and still being unhappy deep down. Maybe The Lord is protecting us from a job loss. Maybe He has bigger and better plans for us, which a house could have stopped us from chasing after.
We don't know the reason. There's a possibility that we won't ever know the reason. But Faith? It's believing that The Lord is going to do what he says he's going to do.
He has promised to supply every need we have. (Philippians 4:19)
He has also promised that all things work together for good to those who love and serve Him faithfully. (Romans 8:28)
So, we wait. We anticipate the good things The Lord has in store for us. We look forward to Him fulfilling his promises to us.
And I would appreciate your prayers as I search for contentment in HIM and HIM ALONE. And for peace. Staying in our rental has not been easy for me, but I trust there's a reason for it and hope to find peace in this temporary solution.
I know what I’m doing. I have it all planned out—
plans to take care of you, not abandon you,
plans to give you the future you hope for.
Jeremiah 29:11 (MSG)
