2015.

I feel like there's a lot of 'pressure' to pick the right word - or phrase - for an entire year.

One word to focus on... to strive for... to remind yourself of.

I've spent the last 19(ish) days praying and seeking the Lord for our upcoming year, anticipating some really great things that may happen, and battling the fear that can take over as I wonder about the unknowns. There's bound to be some hurt... bound to be some joy... and in everything, I want to continue to press into HIM knowing that He is good.

Listening to Spotify while cooking dinner a couple days ago, the song "It Is Well" [by Bethel] came on and suddenly hot tears were streaming down my cheeks. Which got me thinking about the old hymn:

"When peace, like a river, attendeth my way..." [Isaiah 66:12]

"When sorrows like sea billows roll..." [Psalm 42:7]

"WHATEVER my lot, thou has taught me to say... 

It is well, It is well, with my soul."
[James 1:2-4 and Philippians 4:6-7]

May that ring true in my heart and life for 2015.

WHATEVER my lot ... in good and bad ... WHATEVER may come.

It is well, It is well, with my soul.

With a grateful heart.

I love Thanksgiving. It's the perfect time to be with family and reflect on the many many blessings we've been given before the rush of Christmas activities bombard us and take over the month of December.

I've been thinking a lot lately what I'm most thankful for. Besides the obvious things - my Jesus, my husband, our boys, the ability to provide for our family, etc.

This year, and more specifically the past few months, I am realizing that I'm most thankful for the idea that this place is not our home.

We can do our best to make a house a home, to make a community feel like home, and make our surroundings home. But this earth... this place... is not our home. It's not our forever.

These trials, the frustrations of life, the struggles of being a parent, the friends who have cancer and ones who have lost a child, in job loss and financial difficulties, through the mundane and loss of direction in our lives...

This place is not our home.

I feel like I've spent the last year of our lives waiting for something to happen. Waiting for a new job for Tyler so we can move. Waiting for the perfect house to come on the market and our financing to line up so we can buy. Waiting for something exciting to happen, waiting to feel like we're "at home" in Kansas City... and yet, have completely missed the point.

Maybe the reason I don't feel at "home" is because this isn't our home. Once I'm able to give up this idea of finding home on earth, I'm able to see things differently. Trusting that THIS is where we're serving Him, because He's called us to THIS place for THIS time... it changes everything!

Thank you Jesus, that this is not our end game! You're still writing our story, and using us in so many ways, even when we don't see it or feel it.

We have so many reasons to be thankful.

Hope in our forever home - Heaven - is high on my list.

So are these two boys.

What about you - what are you grateful for this year?

Happy Thanksgiving, friends!

Sunshine, Coffee, Rest.

If I could sit and drink a cup of coffee with you today, I would tell you that

RESTING... and ABIDING in Him...

that's not a shameful thing.

I was spending some time out at my mentor's house yesterday and we were talking about this very thing. How we, in today's world feel guilty, actual GUILT! when we take time off to rest and be lazy and slow down.

It's been a long time since I blogged. Honestly - I just didn't have the motivation, the 'want', or the time.  This season of life I have devoted myself to my boys... this is a new season of life for us, with Jaxon being in school, and I feel MORE THAN EVER that THEY are my mission field right now. But on top of that, I'm a yes girl - I say yes to almost everything that anyone asks me/us to do. I say yes to leading any kind of ministry group or heading up any kind of fundraising event, photographing pretty much any session, and volunteering at the gym and school.  I wear myself THIN and leave room for nothing other than serving, giving, and simply being on the go go go.

And you know what? None of those things are bad. I have passions. I love to lead things and organize events and polish my photography skills. But the dry season of life comes very quickly when you spend your time investing in others without taking the time to water yourself.

You can work at the church, serve the church, volunteer, and think about the church ... all without being with God.  And that's exactly what I needed to hear last week from a close friend of mine when I was talking to her about this exact thing.  All of those things are GREAT! And Christ calls us to serve each other and His church. But we need the time outside of these commitments to put into action what we talk a lot about ... loving our families, serving each other, reaching the lost.  We need the time to actually foster these relationships and put our words into action.

So today, I'm giving myself permission to rest.  I'm taking the time to be WITH God before I try to be FOR God.

Don't believe the lie that the world will fall apart when you take time for yourself.

And by the way - I'm totally preaching to myself today. Feel free to preach this back to me at any moment and time.

:)

Latest and greatest.

(image via meg)

One of those quotes that makes me uncomfortable even reading it, yes?

We are still living in our rental and there's multiple times a week that I convince myself that it won't be this way for much longer, and something big (and hopefully "better") is about to happen.

But then I read a quote like this and wonder if my character, my attitude, the things that are important to me are what is changing, instead of our situation.  Maybe we WILL be in this rental, living paycheck to paycheck, for much much much longer.  Maybe my heart and priorities are being transformed "in the bad", before we can move on to "the good".

Because of our limited budget and the highhhh price of Johnson County, our options to move are...impossible...limited.  The one time we went to look at another place, we came home and thanked the good Lord for this big beautiful super spacious bright rental that we currently have... ha...haaa...haaaa.  (but really!)

I will tell you, what's really stretching me the most about living here, is dealing with the showings.  I may not have even mentioned it here... when we gave our 30-day notice to our landlord that we were moving out, he put this place on the market.  Another one of those "whyyyyy did it happen this way" situations.  However, it is WAY overpriced, so it won't sell any time soon... but now we deal with showings multiple times a week.  And let's talk about how much fun it is to keep my house in "show ready" condition, and find places to go for hours at a time during showings, with 2 boys and a dog.  :)

We can't buy again until next June (10 months away), so the thought of moving now and signing a 12 month lease somewhere doesn't seem right.  However, because the house IS on the market, we may not have a choice if the right offer is made to our landlord.

A lot of days, I'm ok.  I trust that The Lord already has this entire situation worked out (for our good!) but I'd be lying to you if I said that some days, I don't feel suffocated with worry and trying to figure it all out on my own.  I'm ready for this "waiting period" to be over.

It's easy to praise when things are going our way... when we're living a comfortable life.
But in these moments of loneliness, worry, and questioning...
It's not as easy.
But if it's going to bring me closer to God... bring my heart closer in tune with His...
I'll go through it time and time again.

So, with much hesitation, I ask...
Bring me the uncomfortable, Lord.
(in small doses, please and thank you.)

Authenticity.

I've been thinking this week a lot about how often I compliment other women, and how hard it's become.

It's a difficult thing to do, don't you think?  Behind a computer screen, it's easier.  I've told my husband on and off throughout the years that I feel closer to a lot of my blog friends than I do to people in real life.  Not because my friends are bad people, but I'm really starting to see it in my own life as well, that it's easier for me to compliment, to encourage, to build someone up, behind a computer screen than it is in person.

I used to think that I was a good encourager, and while I don't think I'm awful at it, I have also gotten sloppy in the last year or so.  Jealousy creeps into my heart and when I see a friend that has lost weight, bought a new house, or just simply looks extra beautiful that day, I struggle more than normal to compliment her. 

The sin of comparison is a big reason behind this, wouldn't you agree?  "It's not fair that she gets a brand new house..." or "why does she always look put together while I look tired and sloppy?"  We each have our own battles we fight, and the person that I am jealous of has struggles of her own.  She may be caught in a trap of comparison herself, struggling to be content as well, but from my limited perspective she seems to have it all together.

A lot of times a simple, authentic, compliment can really change someone's attitude and the way they may be feeling.  I can think of so many times that I was having a crummy day, and felt like a friend really swooped in to save the day, just by taking a second to lift me up.  Knowing what a big difference encouragement does in my own heart, it should come more natural for me to do the same to others.

I want to do a better job of sharing an encouraging thought when it comes to mind, instead of holding it back.  To realize the importance of my words, and become aware of my presence when someone is having a tough day.  I want to really take note of what encourages me, and go out of my way to do the same for another person.  Most importantly, I want to love with my whole heart, not just when I'm feeling like it... the way Christ has called us to.  (Romans 12:10)

Life is so much sweeter when it's shared with people that are genuinely on your side.  Who are authentic in their praise and love for you... the ones who truly share in your joy.  

I want to be a friend like that.  

Therefore encourage one another and build each other up, just as in fact you are doing.

1 Thess 5:11

Pinterest and Insecurity.

I'm already having a pretty craptastic day thanks to my 4 year old refusing to sleep again last night, so emotions are running high as it is.

And then I logged onto Pinterest.  And some ridiculous idea popped into my head to look at a friends "home" board.  Full of pins of beaaaautiful homes, designs and gorgeous kitchens straight out of a magazine.  Homes that are not reality for most people, but we like to dream big.  Or something like that.

And then I browsed her "Kids" board.  And started feeling like my boys are probably going to suffer in school and need counseling as adults because I didn't do enough hand and footprint turkeys, and shoot... I never got around to making that homemade playdough or sidewalk paint.

The "clothing" board suddenly made me feel like my closet is full of ugly clothes and that I must.go.shopping.now.  The "exercise" board did a great job of convincing me I was a big fatty who only went to the gym once this week.  And let's not even talk about the DIY board, that screams at you to get up and construct something that very moment.

Are you seeing a trend here?

Pinterest makes me feel inadequate... like I'll never be good enough.  I just can't help but feel that way every time I log on.

And then you check your Facebook, and see pictures from the Jones' recent family vacation to the Caribbean, and how the Smith's 3 year old now knows how to read.  Or in my case, how the other local photographers have thousands of fans, while I relish in my 185.

It's the trap of comparison.  False reality.  And horrible Mom guilt.

I have to step away and question WHY I feel the constant need to "keep up".  And remind myself of the truth, that I may not be a perfect Mom, wife, or house-keeper... but I am,

A loving Mom... who adores hugs, cuddles, kisses, tickling backs, and holding hands.

A supportive Mom... who will always listen with an open heart.  Who will pray constantly and faithfully.

A baking/cooking Mom... who will provide dinner each night and bake their favorite treats.

A movie Mom... I will cuddle them on the couch all day long, if given the opportunity.

An "on the go" Mom... who will take them with me to the store, gym, and to fun places as well... the indoor mall, indoor playground, local parks, and many other places all over town.

A dance party Mom... watch out, I have some mad moves when that right song comes on.

A "kiss your Dad" Mom... who will be affectionate and loving and kind to their Father.

Or just "Mom".... frequently imperfect, but constantly trying.  Always learning.  Frazzled at times.  But someone who will love them the exact way they need to be loved.

Comparison is getting me no where, other than opening a door for the Enemy to come in and lie to me, telling me I'll never be good enough.  

All my boys ask from me is that I try, and for my love.  Those two things they will always have.

Don’t copy the behavior and customs of this world, but let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think. Then you will learn to know God’s will for you, which is good and pleasing and perfect.

Romans 12:2

Feeling defeated.

Remember that game we used to play as kids when your Mom would pick up a pile of sticks, and whoever had the shortest stick was handed the scrub brush for the toilet?

I feel like I got handed the short stick with the body I've been given.

You're probably rolling your eyes by now, or thinking "oh brother, here we go again".... but it's true.  It's really how I feel.

As much as I know deep down that God loves us EQUAL and the same, I can't help but wish He would have made us look that way.  You know, all different on the inside, but with the same body type.  (I also wish you could hear my semi-sarcasm as I type that...)

And as much as I know deep down that everyone has insecurities and things they don't like about themselves, I can't help but wish mine were less obvious.

About the many ways I hate my body.  How I work out...HARD...6 days out of the week and am soaked from head to toe afterwards.  How I push myself when I so desperately want to quit.  How I do not consume more than 1200 calories a day.  How I watch every thing that goes into my body and track it.  How it's all I can think about some days... and how unfair it is that there's actually some people that don't have to worry about this.

The worst part about it is, I actually hid my feelings of insecurity and shame better when I wasn't working out and trying so hard.  Because then, I at least knew why I was overweight.  I understood it was because I was making unhealthy choices, and knew my body and my tight clothes were a product of those decisions.  But now... now, when I'm working HARD... when it consumes me... when I track every bite I take?  Now is when I should see some payoff.  Now is when I should be feeling success. But I'm not... the scale remains in the same place it did 2 weeks ago.

I feel defeated.

I watch commercials while I'm at the gym advertising weight loss pills.  Weight loss meals.  Weight loss bands.  It feels especially hard when people all around me are doing these things (the cheater way) and finding temporary success.  But yet... they are the ones losing while I stay the same.

And as much defeat as I feel, I have to remind myself that this is a lifestyle change.  Theirs is a temporary and expensive loss.  Mine is hard, really hard, and a lot of times I hate it... but it's the right way.

Maybe it's something with my body... maybe it's something that I need to have checked out... maybe I'm just plateauing.

Maybe the Lord is teaching me perseverance. 

And that is why I will continue on.

As much as I want to quit, as much as I want to pretend to not care, as much as I want to give up...

I will press on toward the goal.

I know I need to surrender these feelings to the foot of the cross.  I know I have to learn to see the beauty in myself, and not in the numbers on the scale.  I know I have to walk in the confidence God has given me, of the person He's made me to be.

And while, deep down, I know these things... I too often find myself forgetting.

So let’s not get tired of doing what is good. At just the right time we will reap a harvest of blessing if we don’t give up.

Galations 6:9

Do not worry.

Sometimes I get jealous of the people who have husbands who work 8am-5pm, no weekends, with a steady income... and most importantly, with a secure company.

My husband and I have never had that 8-5 no weekends job.  When he worked for the aviation world, he worked 10-12 hour shifts, 4-5 days a week.  And now, in the engineering world, his schedule is all over the place.  Sometimes he gets home after I'm in bed and leaves before the boys wake up.  He has also worked about 80% of the weekends since starting, over a year ago.  The very few Saturday mornings he has been off feel like Christmas morning sometimes.

Normally, I'm not one to complain.  His job is great.  He's doing something that he REALLY loves.  It is different each day, and he learns new things a lot.  He comes home happy, and doesn't mind going to work in the mornings.  To me, that is worth the odd & extra hours that his schedule is... because he's doing something that he really loves.

Unfortunately, life always has twists and turns, usually when we're not expecting it.

And that's the hardest part for me.
The unexpected.
The unknowns.
The fear that threatens to swallow me whole.

Which, of course, goes perfectly with my devotional that has been on repeat in my head from a couple days ago...

"Concentrate on keeping in step with me, instead of trying to anticipate my plans for you.  If you trust that my plans are to prosper and not harm you, you can relax and enjoy the present moment."  

{Jesus Calling}

More often than not, I find myself trying to plan, trying to predict, trying to figure it all out... and completely missing the present moment I'm in.  I'm way too caught up in trying to have it all together and planned according to MY wants for our future, that I completely miss the point. 

Our goal each day should be concentrating on HIS heart and HIS desire, and resting...RESTING!... knowing He already has it all worked out anyway. 

My hope, my future... they are rooted in Heaven. Not here.

And yes, I'm totally preaching to myself today.  :)

We can make our plans,
    but the Lord determines our steps.

Proverbs 16:9

In a mood.

I don't know what my deal is, but I'm in quite the funk lately.

I think about deleting my facebook everyday and recently started feeling the same about my blog.  On the days I don't write, I sometimes flip through old posts and then remember why I do it... to help preserve some memories.  I use to scrapbook, which is laughable at this point in my life, but now I love to look through the old albums and remember things I would have otherwise forgotten.  I hope the same rings true for this blog of mine.

I've just felt really anxious the last few days and can't put my finger on why.  Nothing bad happening in our lives, and for a while I was really thankful that nothing "huge" was going on either.  No major life decisions to make, no big problems... daily life has just been quiet and pretty mundane.  I heard once that we (as humans) are all getting ready to go through a trial, just getting over one, or just beginning one... so right now, I am trying to enjoy this in-between season where nothing major is happening.

It's been a tough last couple weeks in my relationship with Jaxon.  We butt-heads on a daily basis and I can't figure out what's going on with him.  He tells me about 10 times a day how tired he is, but doesn't take longer naps and won't go to bed early when we try.  He has reverted back to a lot of "baby" things... the baby talk, the frequent accidents (after being accident-free for months and months!), the HUGE tantrums, not listening, and ohmygosh... his whining is going to send me to a mental institute.

3's are no joke, people.

This isn't a post where I have a "lightbulb" moment and a great ending.  This is real life, where I have a serious case of funk and can't seem to snap out of it.  And this is my blog... the one that I want to run from, but am choosing to do the opposite, because I know that writing really helps sometimes.

I so badly wish I could go for a run to get those endorphin's pumping, but hardly making it up our stairs carrying a load of laundry yesterday made it pretty clear that my knees are shot.

I am going to make a conscious effort to choose joy this afternoon.

Some days, it's just a lot harder than others.

Talking vs. Praying.

As you all know from a few posts back, the desire to want to live in Iowa someday is pretty great in my heart.  The night we got home from our visit there, we were on our porch watching the boys play and could hardly hear each other speak because of the interstate traffic.  Suddenly I felt the discontentment of city life reaching an all-time high and since then, Tyler and I have had multiple conversations about what we're going to do.

The interstate traffic is a pretty easy fix, just by moving to a different house.  The problem is this... we've moved 7 times in the past 6 years.  Moving "across town" doesn't sound appealing, even in the smallest way.

So, then we talked about buying.  With rates at an all-time low and our credit scores at an all-time high, we thought this seemed like a good option.  Only to take a couple steps back and say "but, is this where we want to live for the next 5-10 years?"  The answer is no.

We keep talking... and talking... and talking about different scenarios.  The "what if we did this" conversation rolls off our tongues on a nightly basis, basically just going no where, because there's too many unknowns at this point.

Then I stumbled across this...

{source}

... and it hit me like a ton of bricks.

We've tried to manage this and make this decision on our own without even consulting the one who ultimately decides.  

I am seriously convicted about it today as I think about how true it is... even on a day to day basis.  When I'm stressed out, or hurt, or EXCITED... I am so quick to call my husband! Call my Mom and Sister! Text my family and friends! ... without even praying about it or before I even talk about it with the Lord.  Either asking for wisdom, or thanking him for the blessing of whatever exciting just came my way.

We have certainly done a lot of talking and not a lot of praying about our future.  I don't know about you, but I find extreme comfort in knowing He already has it all worked out.

His plans are so much better than mine anyway. 

Faith.

I was looking for a spice today in my cupboard when I came across some mustard seeds.  Tiny tiny tiny little things... and I remembered the scripture in Matthew when Jesus used a mustard seed parable to provide a picture of faith.

“I tell you the truth, if you had faith even as small as a mustard seed, 

you could say to this mountain, ‘Move from here to there,’ and it would move. 

Nothing would be impossible.”

(Matthew 17:20)

Most of us have probably heard the old example about having faith in a chair.  Saying that you trust the chair to support you while you sit is nothing more than words until that faith is exercised.  It's when you actually sit and rest in it that faith is proven.

I was just thinking that as we journey through life, we can see faith do the same things that seeds do.  They grow into something much bigger than when they started and our faith, or trust in God, will grow as well as we witness the amazing things He does in our lives. 

Hope your Tuesday is going great.  

I had a great visit with a close friend, 

a skype date with my Sister, 

have finished my laundry that was WAY overdue, 

and now I have a coffee in hand ready to finish out the day... 

and let's not forget about the Parenthood season finale tonight.  

Anybody else having a great day? 

Insecurity.

Many of you already know that I love music.  Any kind of music actually, but specifically the worship genre.  Growing up in a musically talented home probably contributed a lot to this... being involved in every kind of choir, worship team, and band that I could find most likely did as well.  My Dad was a worship leader in our church growing up, and I was proud to follow in his footsteps.  I lead worship for our youth group (and for our church congregation from time to time) for 2 years before graduating, then my plan was to attend Mid America Nazarene University and get my degree in music ministry.  I'd graduate 4 years later with a great, high-paying degree (ha!), debt free of course (double ha!), lead worship in a church, and live happily ever after.

Except, that didn't happen.  Less than a month before I was scheduled to leave Iowa and go to MNU and room with my best friend, I attended a worship conference in Colorado Springs called Desperation.  While we were there, I could not ignore the Lord's voice and signs clearly leading me to New Life School of Worship.  Putting all of my previous plans aside, taking a huge risk, not knowing a soul in Colorado... I decided to go.  

I loved...LOVED...my time there.  I learned SO much from some of the best worship leaders in our country.  I lead worship by myself once a week in the prayer center, and made some amazing friendships along the way.  One of my professors (who was also the worship Pastor), took me under his wing.  He encouraged me in my abilities and spoke some truth into my life that I too often forget. 

All of this to say, Monday night I am leading worship for our small group.  A group of 7 couples who Tyler and I love like a second family.  People we've journeyed along for the past couple years... who have been with us in our ups and downs and anywhere in-between.  These people are some of our greatest friends.

But, here's the truth.

I am scared ...to ... death to lead worship for them next week.

You see, normally my role is one of a supporter.  Our worship Pastor {who is also a close friend of ours and also apart of our small group} is great, and I love serving on Sunday mornings alongside him.  Did you catch that?  Alongside him... leading worship by myself is terrifying to me.

I told a friend recently that I keep coming up with every excuse in the book to not lead.  Maybe I'll conveniently catch the flu next Monday... or maybe I'll just be honest and explain that I'm not comfortable doing it by myself.

Of course, just as I'm starting to make those things a reality, the Lord reminds me that I can do this.  I have the training, I have the experience... AND He will equip me for whatever I need. 

You see, my voice is not perfect... in fact, it's far from it.  Out of all the students and the major talent at School of Worship, I was definitely far from being the best.  I have a horrible excuse for a good vocal range.  I am extremely self conscious... I am insecure in my voice.  But I will tell you, my heart is in it.  I love to lead worship, NOT because of the spotlight or the attention, but because I love to worship.  I love the art in leading worship.  I love to try and create an atmosphere where people can let go and just spend time with Jesus.  Most of all -- I love how it has NOTHING to do with me and EVERYTHING to do with Him. 

So no... I'm not the best. Far from it. 

But, I am trusting in Him to take my best and give me everything else I need.  

I believe that I will be blessed for my efforts.

I am hopeful that it will be a deep and meaningful time.

And I'm praying for the hearts of those friends who will be there with me.

What about you?  If you're comfortable sharing, what is something that you're afraid (or even terrified) of doing, yet you clearly feel called to?  Even if means leaving an "anonymous" comment, I'd love to hear from you.  Maybe just saying it out loud will give you the boost you need to get it done.

I love sharing my journey with you guys.  Thanks for reading. 

Don’t be afraid, for I am with you. 

Don’t be discouraged, for I am your God. 

I will strengthen you and help you. 

I will hold you up with my victorious right hand.

Isaiah 41:10

Tragedy.

Two years ago today, Haiti was hit with a catastrophic earthquake.

I didn't go overseas to help, I didn't spend countless hours volunteering and giving.  I've been thinking about it a lot this week, and how I'm thankful for the people who DID give of their time, energy, and who made a lot of sacrifices to stand in the gap.

But, something I did do was ache along side them... and I prayed.  I remember my heavy heart.  As a new Mom, I tried to put myself in their shoes and imagine what it would be like to lose loved ones, to lose everything you once knew.

Sometimes it takes a tragedy to put things into perspective, and today is one of those days for me. In the midst of tragedy, in the middle of a trial... we may lose everything in this world, but we will never lose what really matters, our relationship with our creator.

I find myself going through these materialistic phases, where I want,want,want and after I get one thing, my mind jumps to the other.  It takes a heart transformation for me to realize what's really important.

source

Anyone else thinking about Haiti today?

Fog.

Do you ever feel like there's a haze over your eyes... you know, like you're living in a fog?

I'm having an off week and struggling to snap out of out... just in a funk.

Nothing particular wrong, and seriously if one more person asks if I'm pregnant... ugh.  The answer is still no.

Maybe it's the lack of sleep, maybe it's the lack of quiet times I've had lately, or maybe it's just the lack of gratefulness... to look around and see beauty and joy in every day things.  Especially in this amazing season, how can you be anything but happy?  I don't know either.

I am hoping a weekend at my parents house followed by a fancy date with my favorite man (to see Trans Siberian Orchestra...!!!) will shift me back to reality.

Someone tell me something good happening in your life so I can rejoice with you!

On my heart.

When I think about Christmas, I think about past years.  Especially as a child, my family cherished the season.  I can still sing you the songs that were played each year on a CD while setting up the tree... I can tell you the names of the nursing homes we visited... I can tell you the trips we took to see family... I can even remember a handful of the gifts I received.  I remember my Grandma being there with us, how much she loved to open any gift that had a cardinal on them, I can still see her smile.  I remember the years my Grandma Nancy was there, how her presence made the holiday even more special.  I remember going to bed each night filled with excitement, and Christmas morning waking up to stockings full of gifts... loving every minute.  This was my family.  These are my memories.  Some of these traditions I hope to pass on to my kids the older they get. 

Today my heart is heavy thinking about all of the children, throughout the United States and beyond, who will not experience any of that.  They are orphans, they are waiting for a forever family.  Maybe they are your neighbors, who live in a broken and abusive home.  They are innocent kids, all over the world, needing love.  Needing a smile, craving a hug.  They need a reminder of what Christmas is all about.  Can you pause for a moment and try to even imagine what it would feel like to not have a family to celebrate with... isn't that half the beauty of Christmas? 

Maybe it was my friend Grace's post that got me emotional.  Her paragraph that said "Pray for all the orphans, that are waiting to be loved and part of something that they don't know, have not experienced, something that we take for granted...the love of a family!" -- it hit me a little too close to home.

I hear a lot of people talk about adoption, and Tyler and I have talked and began to pray about it as well.  There's a startling statistic that talks about how 30% of people talk about adopting, and yet only 2% take the first steps in doing something about it. {source}  My mood today is somber.  Something needs to happen, I'm just not sure what it is yet. 

I have no idea what this means for me or my family.  Maybe my role is just to pray for orphans.  Maybe my role is to support people in prayer and financially who are adopting.  Maybe this is the Lord's way of asking us to sponsor a child.  Maybe someday, we will add another member to our family through adoption.  

I have no idea what is going on in my heart ... but I can't deny that it's something.  

Clinging to hope.

I should go to bed.  The house is quiet and I'm exhausted, yet my mind refuses to be still.

My Mom always told me growing up, that if you can't sleep, you should pray.  She said it was God's way of wanting to talk to you, so to be open to what He may say to you during those long nights.

I have relied too much on friends and our church to carry me. I am the first to admit that I am quick to fall when others around don't hold me up. It is hard for me to keep going when I'm running low on gas... when there's a lack of accountability, lack of interest, lack of hope (on my end).

What is the church's role in our lives?  Why do you go to the church you do?  Is it because of the community, the worship, the friendships, the message... what is it that you love?  Why do you continue to go there?  Is it because you have gone there your entire life, or is it because that's where you are fed?

What do you do when your well has run dry?  Is it the church's responsibility to quench your thirst?  Who do you turn to when you need lifted up?

Lots of questions... but really, I'd just love some answers.

I lift up my eyes to the hills- Where does my help come from?
My help comes from the LORD, the Maker of heaven and earth.

Psalm 121:1

Journal Entry - 2.29.08

I want a friendship.  I don't want a second marriage, I don't want a casual facebook friend, I want a friendship.  I want someone that I know no matter what life throws at us, that she will be right next to me.  I want to feel like I make this person better because I'm in her life.  I want to laugh when we're together - I want to see her smile when we're together.  I want someone that I can talk to about the most trivial things to the biggest life decisions.  There will be days that we go without talking, but the time that we do talk, I want to cherish.  I want to look forward to being together.  I want to do life together.  I want to go through the rollercoasters of life together supporting eachother and holding on tight when it gets scary.  I want a constant in the ever changing life we live. 

I miss you too.

The M Word.

Let me preface this by saying I hope this post doesn't make me sound totally naïve.  I also hope it does not make me sound like Tyler and I are having marriage issues, because I promise you, we're not.  This is just a totally random post, okay?  :) Okay.

If you're married, I bet you're like me and have had a few people ask you lots of questions about your marriage.  Not just silly questions, but one I hear often (especially from someone thinking about getting married) is "What about being married is so hard?"  I always have troubles answering this one.  My most common answer... "I can't explain it.  Maybe it's just because living with another person is hard.  Maybe it's because communication is tricky.  I really don't know.  It just is."  I know that's not the best answer, but it's all I can come up with.  Today in church we wrapped up our "SeXed" series that we've been doing for the last 4 weeks, and today's topic was marriage.  Not just why God commands that we wait for sex until marriage, but also highlighting the difference between Commitment and Covenant.  Why being in a "covenant" relationship (marriage) is so much different than just a committed relationship (dating).  I was intrigued... so I thought I'd highlight a few different points.

Commitment	Covenant
v     I’m in this as long as you are in it	v     We’re in this regardless of what happens
v     Kept by self-effort	v     Kept by God’s blessing
v     Bound by words	v     Bound by relationship
v     I give 50%, you give 50%	v     We give 100% regardless of what the other gives
v     Benefits me	v     Benefits us
v     Kept until circumstances change	v     Only death separates us

I think the biggest thing for me to grasp a hold of is the 4th one... it's hard for me to wrap my mind around giving 100% into a relationship and not necessarily getting anything in return.  Not that I'm saying our marriage is like this, (because it's not at all), but wow, how huge is that.
Matt (one of the youth pastors) was talking about how he heard on the Christian radio station here in town a lady talking about she got so sick of putting all of the effort into her marriage that she decided she was going to divorce her husband.  But before she went through with filing the divorce paperwork, she decided she would go over the top and be extremely nice, caring, and literally serve her husband, so that when she did leave him, he would miss her more and realize what he had that he lost.  Well, in the process of doing that, he completely fell in love with her, and in return ended up giving more of himself to their relationship.  She in turn fell in love with him all over again also.  They ended up never getting a divorce.
 
Another thing that I "know" but is still sometimes hard for me to grasp is the idea that we're not just in this until the other person dumps you, but we're in this relationship regardless of what happens.  Through better through worse, through sickness and through health.  It's something I've heard over and over again, but can be hard to wrap your mind around at times.  I can honestly remember when Tyler and I were first married and I used to have these crazy dreams about how he would break up with me.  I don't know if this was because it happened *a few* times while we were dating, or maybe it was just my insecurities, but then I'd wake up and it would hit me... we're married.  We're not just dating.  We're in this for the long run.  What a comforting feeling.  Can you imagine if marriage was taken as lightly as dating sometimes is?  

Anyways, I know this is a totally random post.  The sermon this morning really struck me in a "ah-ha" sort of way, so I thought I'd share.

Your thoughts?

Journal entry - 1.24.08

It's funny how when you pray, God hears you.  I hate the prayers that go something like, "God, help me to understand this."  or "God, show me what I'm doing in my life that isn't pleasing to you."  or even "God, give me direction and a desire to do something different with my life."  I'm pretty sure He hears those prayers, and gladly says, "Comin' right up!!" 

 I have learned so much about myself in the quiet times that I sit and reflect.  I am a selfish person.  (Wow, that's hard to write/type).  I am always looking out for myself.  I want what is going to make ME happy, and I don't always think about how it will affect anyone else.  For instance... how about right now, when I have lost my best friend.  I am a selfish person for wanting this friendship, when I know that I am the only one benefiting from it.  Angie is not a better person because of me.  In fact, she is much happier and better off without me.  But instead of letting her go and wishing her well, I am sad and actually mad that she has moved on, because it's not just her moving on to the next stage in her life, but it's her moving on to the next stage in her life... without me.  I am no longer the focus of her attention.  She has different friends now, and that hurts, but it's the truth and I need to get over it and face it.  Instead of trying to focus my attention on being a better friend to her, and figuring out what our friendship looks like in this stage in our lives, I have spent my time thinking of all the ways that she has hurt me.  How freakin' selfish am I.  I hate myself for who I've allowed myself to become.  I am an entirely different person than I was in highschool/college, but not always for the better.

Another thing that I have realized about myself is that I'm never content.  I have a beautiful, nice townhome, but because it's not a house, or not as big as others, it's not good enough.  I have a stable job, that I am actually starting to enjoy, but because it doesn't pay like I think it should... then it sucks.  I have a husband who is incredible.  He is an amazing provider for us, he is caring, sincere, and is always looking out for me.  But because he doesn't "oooh and ahhh" over everything I do, then he doesn't love me.  (Obviously he does, it's just my crazy mind at work again).  Do you see the pattern here?  I do.  I get what I want; but then I want more.  It's like the term "keeping up with the Jones'", but there are no Jones', it's just me.  Why am I like this and what can I do to change? 

 Another thing I have realized is how much I depend on other people.  I am incapable of not just making simple decisions, but also incapable of feeling good about myself without being told to do so.  My self-image is so completely off.  For example, many of you know how much weight I've lost.  I can honestly say that in my mind, I have hardly lost any weight.  My sister took some pictures of me when I wasn't looking last weekend, and I happened to see them last night while I was bored and looking through Tyler's camera, and I couldn't believe it.  I was shocked.  "That's ME??!!??"  I seriously probably said that at least 10 times over and over again to Tyler.   If you've ever read "The Five Love Languages", you could have probably guessed that my primary love language is Words of Affirmation.  Words are so important to me.  This concept is hard for my husband to grasp... he does not understand WHY he has to tell me repeatedly throughout the week that I'm beautiful, and that he loves me.  He thinks one time every so often should be plenty, but to me, it's not.  Even on the nights that we go out and I spend tons of time trying to look pretty, I don't "feel" pretty until he tells me that I am.  This is a problem.  This has also spread out so that now I don't feel like I'm a good enough friend, sister, or co-worker unless I'm told.  My self-worth is slim to none.  I have always had a low self-esteem, but nothing like this.  It was during small group on Sunday morning that the "Ah-ha" moment set in for me.  One of my girls that I lead (they are 8th graders, remember) said "I hated the way my hair looked for school and I felt so fat, and kept telling myself that I was ugly.  Then I remembered that God created me the way that I am and that He thinks I'm beautiful... how dare I say any different."  Wow, I just learned a lesson from an 8th grader.  How embarassing.  But seriously - yes, words are important, but I shouldn't be so dependant on them.  Add that to my million-page list of things I'm working on. 

 I am living such a pointless life.  I don't want to just exist; I want to thrive.  I want there to be meaning to what I do.  I want to wake up in the mornings and actually feel like there is a reason to get out of bed.  I want to be on-fire for God, permanently.  I want to be important and make a difference in someone's life.  I want someone to say "I am better because of Megan and because she did 'this' for me."  I want a passion for people and to see others succeed in life.  I want to feel happy and careless again.  I want to smile and laugh like a child.  I want to feel and know that a calling on my life actually exists.  I want to feel passionate about something... I want my heart to burn for something, and never die.  I want to learn how to love again, and how to encourage and motivate people.  To be so passionate and in-tune with my maker, that everything I say and do is God-breathed. 

Heavenly Father, I come to you tonight completely broken, empty, and lost.  Thank you for those feelings - I know that means you are working in my heart.  Thank you for instilling a passion in me that I can't even describe.  I am a wreck.  My life feels so meaningless, and I'm so tired of it.  You have designed me for something so much more, and I praise you and thank you for that.  Please give me direction and a continued passion for something bigger and greater.  Forgive me for who I've allowed myself to be.  Forgive me for being selfish and for never feeling content.  I pray for a hedge of protection over my mind, that I would believe that I AM worth something, that there IS a purpose for my life, and that I would never forget that.  Forgive me for making myself feel as if I am worth nothing.  Forgive me for constantly telling myself that I'll never be good enough.  Forgive me for having such a low self-esteem.  I have been designed and created in your image... thank you for that reminder that you made me and love me just the way that I am.  I love you and praise you for who you are and what you're doing in my life.  Amen.