It's Monday.

A little weekend recap...

Friday morning 38 ladies from my church and I attended Women of Faith.  While I wasn't in love with the conference itself, I did have a great time connecting with the girls {and a special guest of mine that shall remain nameless} and also taking a break from my everyday routine to recharge and refocus.  I loved my time with friends and my special secret guest!  ;)  The community we have in our church is amazing and I'm so grateful.

Saturday night my husband surprised me by picking me up from the conference and taking me out to one of my favorite restaurants... California Pizza Kitchen.  It makes me laugh when they ask if we've ever been before, because I practically lived on CPK during college, since I worked there.  I ate there every night.

Right before bed Saturday night I started feeling a little sick but just assumed I ate too much at dinner.  Unfortunately that wasn't the case, as Sunday morning came and I had the flu, along with the majority of the women that attended the conference.  Such a bummer that I spent all day yesterday in bed sleeping, but I feel 100% better today.

This morning I also started my new job!  Oh wait, you didn't know I got a job?  Don't worry, neither did most of my family.  {my bad...forgot to relay info!}  I started watching a couple of my friends' boys, both of them part-time, 1-2 days a week.  I am so excited to have them in my home and am honored that my friends trust me to help them out.

Happy Monday to you... how was your weekend?

{don't forget to enter my giveaway!!  only 2 more days to enter!!} 

My title.

This morning I woke up with high expectations for the day. I was going to have an amazing quiet time with Jesus, sip my coffee, basque in the silence of sleeping boys... and then my day would begin. I would vacuum the entire house, wash the floors, clean the bathroom, and start a few loads of laundry. Little did I know my boys had other plans for the day.

Cohen woke up about 5 minutes into my quiet time. Jaxon was up shortly after, and both of them were as needy as ever. Literally, all morning long, Cohen had to be held. The second I'd try and put him down and distract him with toys, a fountain of real tears would spill out of his eyes. Jaxon repeatedly said to me "I pay {play} Mommy?"

I was disgusted with the way that I felt annoyed for a minute. Annoyed that my plans of being this picture-perfect housewife had been crushed by the boys wants & needs. I also found myself feeling this way from time to time the last couple weeks when I'd look around and see a house that needed unpacked & decorated, but boys that needed my attention even worse. All the sudden it hit me like a ton of bricks... my job, my "title", is a stay at home Mom. I'm not a cleaning lady or a maid. I am a Mom. My boys, not my house, not my to-do list, are my priority.

I'm the first to admit that I set too high of expectations for myself. I frequently hear my husband say "who are you trying to impress?" My answer is always "no one!" -- but in reality, I guess I'm trying to impress myself. Striving to meet this image of having it all together, and in turn I have sometimes put other things in front of my real job... to love and care for my boys and raise them as God has called me to do. It is an honor and privilege to spend my days with them, nurturing and instilling in them God-honoring principles.

I was so thankful for that sweet reminder this morning. And just in case you wondered, I spent the remainder of my morning doing this:

For in Him we live and move and have our being.

Acts 17:28

News.

Most of you have probably already seen or heard the news, but here it is again in case you haven't.

We're having another baby! Just kidding.

But, for the 7th time in 5 1/2 years, we are moving! I know, pure insanity. I am so tired of moving that I think I might vomit, but I haven't yet... so you should definitely be proud of me. Tyler accepted his dream job back in KC this past week (on Thursday), and if you can even believe it, they asked him to start tomorrow (Monday). Of course he accepted and we started packing just a few hours later!

We have known that they were interested in him for a few months now and have been waiting for the "official" offer to come across the table. During this time, we really sought after God's heart on this... we knew what we wanted to do, but we wanted to be sure it lined up with what HE wanted us to do. We prayed separately and together about the decision and are so thankful for the peace we have. I am not sure what God has for us there, but I am firmly believing that He has something big in store, and I am full of expectancy to see what it is.

I am so thrilled for my husband... this is a career change for him into the Engineering field, where he's always dreamed of being, and of course moving back closer to our family and friends is just the cherry on top. We are ecstatic and now the search for a new home begins... we are believing and praying that we will find the perfect house, one we can live in for many many years and eventually just buy from the owner! Please be praying alongside us, as we need to find a place this week! Eeeck!

Tyler left this morning, so I am home alone with both boys this week. Thankfully my Dad is flying into town on Wednesday to help, and then Tyler will be back Friday night to drive the moving truck to KC on Saturday. We'll be saying goodbye to Waco this week and I have such a slew of mixed emotions about it. Of course SO excited to be headed back home, but we really have grown to love this city and the people here... my Mom told me the other day "you leave a piece of your heart every time you move", and it's true. A piece of my heart will always be in Waco, Texas.

Probably won't be blogging much this week but I promise to try... and I'll return as soon as humanly possible! Thanks for the prayers!

Tidbits.

I'm in a blogging slump ... obviously ... not sure what to talk about so let's just chat about life, shall we?

- 2 weeks ago I started Jillian's 30 day shred and I am down 7 pounds. Happy about that. I had to sit out 2 days this week because my knees just about gave out {read: i couldn't walk, literally}. I had to take a break before it completely gave out again... I really need surgery on my other knee someday but it's just not happening right now.

- Jaxon has officially reached the terrible twos age. And I know, half of you are going to respond and say "twos were nothing, wait till you get to threes", to which I will reply: just shut it. :)

- We are playing the waiting game and I hate it. I can't share any other details other than that, but will you please pray for patience and perseverance in the hubs and I?

- Do you have a Pinterest account? If not, you should request an invitation.... it's so fun, but addicting. I love how convenient it is to 'save' a picture you see online, instead of having to download the picture, save it to a folder on your computer, etc. You just click 'pin it' and you can access your idea boards from any computer. Love it! Once you get one, follow me!

- I am a little afraid to talk about this in fear that Cohen might hear me, but he is putting himself to sleep at naps & bedtime! While I'm happy about it, I'm also a little sad. I nurse him, then lay him down while he's still awake, and he's out a few minutes later. I just love to rock my babies, so yeah, I'm a bit torn in how to feel about it.

- Still reading "The Love Dare" and really like it. It has been fun to be challenged each day to show my love to Tyler... he doesn't know I'm reading it and occasionally he asks me "is this part of your quiet time?" I just smile and say "yeah, kinda."

- We are "date night swapping" with some friends from small group tonight. They are bringing their kids over and we'll watch them all night {including putting them to bed here...eeck!}, and in exchange they'll watch our kids next time Hubs has a day off and we get a chance to go on a date. I feel a little bit like we got the short end of the stick, since I know myself and know we won't let the kids go to bed anywhere else, but it's all good.

- Last Saturday I took the boys out to "World Hunger Relief" farm here in Waco. Basically it's a company and farm that is dedicated to training people to work in communities to provide alleviation of hunger throughout the world. These people live/work/eat/play on this farm and obviously grow and eat their own food. It was cool to be out there and felt like I was in another world, even though it was just 10 miles out of town. They also have produce, eggs, and grass-fed meat that you can buy, which I thought was cool.

- It is the weirdest feeling not knowing when we're going to see our families again. Something is just not right about that. sigh...

- Tyler has been working 55-60 hours a week and is purely exhausted each day when he gets home. I feel awful that he has to work that much just for us to survive and am looking forward to the day when this isn't the case anymore. I am so thankful for his hard work and dedication to our family to see us through this tough financial season we're in.

- A good verse I stumbled across the other day: "Without faith it is impossible to please God, because anyone who comes to Him must believe that He exists and that He rewards those who earnestly seek him." - Hebrews 11:6

- Happy Friday!

Insert foot here.

I find it hilarious that just a few days after I posted about how much I love being a stay at home Mom, I find myself clicking the "submit" button a job application. Yeah, hilarious... real hilarious. {can you hear my sarcasm?}

The post you read prior to this is, however, the truth. I love love love staying home with the boys and wouldn't have it any other way, if it was up to me. Unfortunately, our bills that are piling up and the phone calls I'm getting do not agree with me and don't care what I want.

Just a couple weeks ago my husbands hours were cut at work. While we're so thankful he still has a job, his new paycheck with the lack of hours just isn't doing it for us. I have to be realistic and see the bottom line and {deep sigh} realize that no matter how hard we try, it's just not happening. We were doing alright before his hours got cut, but now? No good. It's not good at all.

... fighting back the tears ...

I'm not looking at full time office/bank jobs, I'm not looking at full time anything. I simply submitted an application for a small part time (10-15 hours) job, during the evening, after my husband gets home from work. I have this pit in the bottom of my stomach thinking about missing out on husband time {seriously, when will I see him?}, family time, dinner time, putting the boys to bed time, grey's anatomy/the bachelor time, etc... but we're drowning and I don't know what else to do.

The good news is, if I get the job it's something I always thought sounded fun.

Prayers for me during this transitional time are much appreciated, and needed.

A stay at home Mom.

Growing up, I always knew I wanted to be a Mom, but always thought I'd be a working Mom. Never ever ever did I think I would have the desire to be a stay at home Mom... I thought all they did was sat around and ate bon-bons all day long. The last day of work before I went into labor I even said to my boss "don't you worry, I'll be back in 6 short weeks." Just days after Jaxon was born I knew my heart had changed, but unfortunately our financial situation did not allow for this to happen, and the first 14 months of his life, I was a working Mama. All you have to do is read through posts during this time to see how much I hated it, and how much my heart just longed for more time with my boy.

On April 7th, just 2 days shy of Jaxon's 14 month mark, I lost my job. At the time, it was the worst case scenario, because y'all remember... Tyler had just been laid-off 2 months prior, so now we had no income and no medical benefits. But it turns out that this was all apart of God's plan... to give me the desire of my heart and to be able to stay home with Jaxon {and later on Cohen also!}

Being a stay at home Mom has been my favorite job of all times. And just in case you have the mind-set that I once did, there is no such thing as sitting and eating bon-bons all day long... most days, there's no such thing as sitting for more than 10 minutes at a time at all, especially now adding Cohen to the mix.

Just for kicks and giggles, I thought I'd do a comparison of the two jobs.

My old job: The boss was rude, self-promoting, and full of himself.

My new job: I receive hugs and kisses multiple times through the day.

My old job: Had high expectations. Demanded a lot from me and set unrealistic rules.

My new job: I am told "thank you" and get asked for things with a "please".

My old job: Didn't appreciate the hard work that I gave to the team.

My new job: I am rewarded frequently through the day with smiles and laughs.

My old job: Put me in uncomfortable situations.

My new job: Makes me feel loved. Makes me feel wanted, and needed.

My old job: Had a dress code.

My new job: Love me just the way I am.

My old job: Greeted me each morning with a to-do list.

My new job: Greet me each morning with a hug and smile.

My old job: Days were dreaming about the time my shift would end.

My new job: Days are spent not wanting our time to slip away too quickly.

My old job: Left each day feeling insignificant, and like I didn't matter.

My new job: Lay my head on the pillow at night and count my blessings. Let out a big sigh of contentment.

My old job: Pushed me to my limits and tested my patience daily.

My new job: Pushes me to my limits and tests my patience daily. ;)

I am so so so blessed to be able to stay home with my boys and would not trade this job for anything in the world. There are days that are not perfect, days that I'm left feeling lonely and frustrated, but I wouldn't trade this opportunity to be able to raise my boys and train them to be men of God for all the money a "career job" would get me.

I know there's a lot of working Moms that love what they do, and I'm so happy for them. I also know there's a lot of stay at home Moms that love what they do, and I'm equally happy for them, also. Do what works for you and your family and of course pray about it, that's all I can suggest to you as you figure out what you want to do.

As for me, you'll find me each day doing, saying, and singing ridiculous things to get my boys to smile and laugh, comforting and kissing "owie's", chasing my 2 year old around the house, changing dozens of diapers, breathing deep while they're both screaming, giving lots of hugs and kisses, enjoying my diet coke in peace during nap time, going on lots of walks and playdates, taking hundreds of pictures, looking for opportunities to teach numbers, colors, and words ......

...... and loving every second of it.

Delight yourself in the LORD, and He will give you the desires of your heart.

Psalm 37:4

Time for an update.

Once upon a time, a girl really missed her husband.  She wanted to go visit him, but after looking at airplane ticket prices, disregarded the idea.  Her husband sent her a text message asking her to come visit, emphasizing how much he really missed her and how he needed her.  So she jumped in the car and drove 12 hours, with a 1 year old, by herself.

True story!  {and the drive was seriously a breeze!}

I am in Denver!  We are together again.  And even though we're staying at his roommates house, who is a bachelor, who has 1 bathroom towel, no forks, no washcloths, and absolutely nothing except opened dog food in his fridge... we are together.  And even though we have no idea where we'll be next week, let alone in a month, we can go through this crazy ride together.

Right now, we have Tyler's resume out all over the country.  I mean, all over.  From Minnesota to Texas, from Washington to South Carolina.  And we will go wherever there is a good, stable job.  And medical benefits.  Because Lord knows we need those things.  Stability and benefits.

I have reached the point that I am ready to just go wherever we can that will give us some peace for a while.  If it ends up being somewhere other than the midwest, it will be temporary (1 year or so?) and we will continue to look for something close to our families.  But we have both reached the point that we're just ready to be settled again.  Sick of living out of a suitcase, sick of the constant worrying and stress.  Ready to just have a place to live, to decorate, to play, to eat, to belong... and to be a family again.

{can't you just see the pure joy in all of our faces?}

Cancellation.

Up and down... Up and down... lots of downs.

I feel like deleting the last post because it just makes me sad.  It brings me to tears reading "I finally feel like I can breathe", because all the sudden, all my air is gone again.  The plans that we thought were happening are no longer.  Exactly a week before Tyler was supposed to be home the company called him and said they no longer have the budgeting for his new job.  Essentially laid-off without even starting.

So that's that.  My husband is no longer coming home, he's still working in Denver ... although now they have given all the contractors a heads-up that they are going to be doing layoffs so I'm not sure how much longer he'll be out there ... maybe a week, maybe two weeks, or maybe he'll be one of the few contractors that gets to stay.  Which leaves us completely back to square one, him looking for a new job and once again praying that somehow we'll be settled and with health insurance by the time late October comes and baby boy #2 arrives.

I just wish I could just have a break from my life.  Jaxon brings such joy to my heart daily, and despite the stress of raising him alone and feeling terrible about him being without his daddy, I find reasons to smile and thank God for the blessings I do have, and try my hardest to focus on the things I don't.

But this weekend is hard.  He was supposed to be home yesterday.  Today we're supposed to be doing nothing, just relaxing and trying to spend every waking second together before he started his new job on Monday.  He's supposed to be laughing and playing with Jaxon while I make our infamous favorite Saturday lunch... mac 'n cheese.  ;)

Thanks for walking along this journey with us ... I know my blog has been pathetic and full of ups and downs... just hang on with me, hopefully sometime soon life will smooth out and just be more UP and not so much DOWN.

Sweet sweet relief.

Well, the good news came earlier than expected ...  I'm here to announce that my husband just accepted a position here in the KC area and starts Aug 2!

He'll be working at an Engineering Firm, working right alongside another guy to help develop and maintain avionics equipment.

We are beyond excited to be able to stay in the KC area and be together again (permanently!!) in just 2 short weeks.

I finally feel like I can breathe again.  This is the first good news we've gotten in a very long time.

Hooray! If that doesn't make for a great start to the weekend I don't know what does!

Part two.

On a much, much, much happier note...

... Tyler makes me laugh. Hard. He has the most random personality, he can go from quiet and serious and just randomly make this off-the-wall comment that has tears rolling down my face. A lot of people are not fortunate enough to see that side of him. I love being his wife. Love.it.

... I had one of those "ah-ha" moments realizing that I honestly think the reason the stupid bank fired me was because I was never going to trust God enough to quit. As much as I hated it there and absolutely loathed being a working Mom (hardest thing EVER!), I would have never trusted God enough to quit. I know, that sounds terrible, but I am sure a lot of you can relate to that feeling... thinking you know better. I would have thought there was just no way we could ever survive without my income and wasn't strong enough to risk it all and quit. So here's those fancy bank people laughing thinking that I'm suffering because I don't have them anymore, and here's me laughing because they are soooo wrong. We are not suffering. We are happy and thriving.

... It is such a weird thing being pregnant. First trimester, let's face it, sucks. Puking and my terrible coffee aversion I had ... it was terrible. But now I feel kicks. I feel him moving around. Jaxon lays his head on my belly and {tries} to wrap his hands around me. The sickness is gone, the belly is sticking out there, and it is amazing. I am really trying to enjoy these moments, because I am about 99% sure we're going to be done having kids after this baby boy makes his appearance into this world. So despite the back pain, the RLP (round ligament pain), and having "i'm huge and fat and disgusting" meltdowns... I love these times. I love carrying our second son. It is a miracle.

... I looooove being with Jaxon all day, every day. As overwhelming as it can get at times, I love moments like this:
{watching Barney in the morning}

and like this:
{knocked-out asleep after a fun day at the pool with mommy}

... I love the sunshine. I do not love heat, but I love how sunshine instantly boosts my mood. I love driving down the road with the radio cranked up and windows down just enjoying life. It may be crazy and upside-down, but I have everything I need.

... I think people take advantage of being together with their spouse. Sometimes while I'm sitting at stop lights I look over and see this man and woman sitting there just staring forward. And all I can think is, "hold his hand. Love and remember the small things, even if you are just on your way to the grocery store. At least you're doing it together." I can't wait until the day that Tyler and I can just be together again. I mean, we are right now, because I'm visiting him, but I mean permanently. I think this time away has seriously taught me so much ... I'm learning to love the little things and it's funny how every day since I have been here I have thought about what to wear, and seriously tried to look nice for my husband. He deserves to have a good-looking wife, not someone who is still in PJ's and hasn't showered for a few days when he gets home from a long day at work. Right? Right. I hope I never forget marriage is something to constantly work on and to never get lazy at.

... I love the movie "Pretty Woman". Sometimes when people ask me what my favorite movie is, I can never think of it. So next time, just remind me that my favorite movie is Pretty Woman. I could watch it once a week and never get tired of it. I also like The Notebook, The Holiday, The Proposal, and all of the Bourne movies.

... I was at Target a couple days ago and bought leggings. Aren't you proud of me, sister? I am a little behind (always) on fashion things, that is one thing I wish I would have the motivation to change about myself. I love dressing cute, but I really just don't have that many cute clothes. One day maybe I can give my credit card to my sister and let her buy a new wardrobe for me. Anyways, back to the leggings. A lot of maternity shirts now are really long and they just don't look that cute with shorts or capris. So I thought "hey, maybe I should buy some of those legging things." Later that day when Tyler got home (correction: to the hotel), he said "wow, you look cute!" Score.

... A couple days ago, I went to this really fancy mall a couple miles away from our hotel. Jaxon and I spent... um, 3 hours there... just walking around. People watching. Sitting by the fountain and letting him splash in the water. Walking slow and letting all these rushed people pass me. Sipping on my beloved Starbucks that I can finally drink again without vomiting. And I loved it. I never do things like that... everywhere I go I am always in a hurry. It was so refreshing and relaxing to walk slow and just browse, I had no intention on buying anything (and you'd be proud... I didn't!). You should try it sometime. Just take a moment (or day) and relax. Let life and people pass you by and just enjoy having a slow-paced afternoon.

... I love weddings. And I love that I am the matron of honor in Brian & Angie's wedding. {They have an incredible story, check out their blog!} Their wedding is in October, which means I am going to be... 8 1/2 months pregnant. The really funny thing is that when we were little teenage girls dreaming about our wedding, Angie used to always tell me I would be pregnant in her wedding. She has always been spot on about things like that ... a little freaky, actually. ;) I am so excited for her to be married and experience how much fun it is. I mean, yeah, it's hard work. But it's fun, isn't it?! I love it. And I love her. Cannot wait to see her walking down that aisle.

... Now that I am a SAHM, I am going to try reeeaaallllyyyy hard to: A.) cook more frequently, because my husband loves it when I do. B.) do laundry more frequently, because my husband loves it when I do. C.) Get dressed and 'get ready' every day, even if I am staying home... because my husband loves it when I do. {and so do I! I hate feeling yucky and lazy}. D.) blog and stay in touch with friends. I love it when I do. E.) spend a lot more time with God, and not so much time on facebook. Yes, I am a facebook addict. And I am terrible at devoting specific time with my maker. Because HE loves it when I do, and I do too. So refreshing. F). Find a gym, get a membership, and work out. Because it makes me feel sooo good when I do. And if they have babysitting service, I have no excuse. And... G). Read more. I love to read, just never ever do it.
Those are my goals, hold me to them.

... There's more that I could say, but because I only had two pictures in this post my sister is probably thinking about algebra and other boring things by now, along with the rest of you. I love to blog, I am just not very good at it. But I'll keep trying.

See? No matter how crazy your life is, take a second to reflect on the many good things surrounding you right now. So here's your challenge... write a post about all the good things in your life and the things you love and send it to me. Things are never as bad as they may seem. I promise.

Well hello there.

I really do have good intentions for updating this blog more often for my lil readers, but days turn into weeks and then I'm back to square one... starting every post with "sorry I've been so MIA..." blah blah blah.

Tyler left this morning at 8am. To say that it was an emotional departure for the both of us would be the understatement of the year. I have only seen that man cry twice since I've known him in 10 years, but now it's 3 times, and this time it wasn't just little watery eyed tears, it was big big big crocodile tears. He is almost to Denver now and just sent me a text saying "It's snowing. Are you jealous?" to which I replied "Extremely." Pregnant person + cold weather = heaven on earth.

Today has been a roller coaster of a day... cried for hours this morning, then got ready to spend the afternoon with my friend who is getting married. She asked me to come along with her mom & another bridesmaid to look at dresses... heck yes, sign me up for anything wedding related. Not only did she look at some beautiful dresses but she found "THE" dress. It is absolutely gorgeous on her and she smiled like I haven't seen in years when it was on. I love that she's in love. So happy for her. Anyhoo, then I came home to an empty house, and a baby who fell asleep on the way home, so hence the reason for this blog. {sorry if that makes you feel like you're second-best, ha!} So I'm just debating what I should do tonight. Rent a chick-flick on Redbox and pretend my husband is just gone for the evening? Go out for dinner with Jax and roam around Target for a while? Make a big dinner and eat then eat the leftovers for the rest of the week?

Sigh ... life alone is so depressing.

But this makes me happy:

Expedia travel confirmation : Thank you for booking your trip with Expedia

That's right... in 3 "short" weeks we'll be out to see the hubs.

Can.not.wait.

Me + stress = BFF

Let's recap the last 4 months of my life, shall we?

January 21, hubs suddenly loses his job. Laid off the entire department. Huge shock, we never expected it or even saw it coming in any way. I start working gobbs & gobbs of overtime to pay the bills.

Sometime mid-February, hubs and I have an issue brought into our marriage that I have never talked about on here, and have no plans of ever discussing it on here. Sorry folks. Let's just say it was extremely hard and I still struggle with it some days.

Early March, I get a bad case of the flu. Or so I thought. The week after I peed on a stick, only to see 2 lines. Yes, I know this isn't a "sad" thing, but stressful? Absolutely. Life was already crazy, and now finding out that we're going to have "2 under 2", and to have a husband who had been laid off for about 10 weeks at the time just added to our stress level. Would he have a job by the time November rolls around, and where will we be at that time? Only God knows.

Then April rolls around and at this point we are thinking "surely it cannot get worse". April 9 I am called into the back office and am told they are terminating my employment. "Wrongful termination" and "Employment discrimination lawyer" are words that I hear frequently, whenever the subject is brought up by friends or family. Still trying to decide if I should pursue something or let it go... prayers on this subject would be appreciated.

So lets pause for a moment to recap: 2 incomes suddenly turned to 1 (not to mention, lost the 1 that carried us by far). Marriage struggles. Surprise baby #2... 1 income, unemployed for 10 weeks, how will we survive. 1 income suddenly cut to ZERO. No income, lots of bills, toddler and baby on the way to support. No health insurance any longer.

The following week, we decide we have no choice but to sell our house. Our home. Where we brought Jaxon home to, where we have created so many amazing memories in the last 2 years. Where we have poured our time and energy into creating a place that is truly our own. The thought of someone else living here makes my skin crawl.

Middle of April, hubs gets a call about a job. In Denver. 10 hours away. 6 month contract (or longer assuming there is still work at the time). Hubs accepts, lots of paperwork and waiting to follow. Oh yeah, and if you're not good at math... 6 months = November. When I'm due to pop out another child. So in 6 months it's possible he may be out of work, again... the only difference? I will be having a baby and who knows... maybe have no health insurance at that point again.

He will be leaving for Denver sometime in the next week. Jax and I are staying behind as we wait for the house to sell, then depending on what his job situation looks like at that time, will either move out there with him or stay back here... I really have no idea. So now I get to raise Jaxon on my own, take care of our house on my own, sleep alone, eat alone, come home to an empty house. Luckily I have plans to travel and spend time with my family, Tyler's family, and Tyler in Denver. So hopefully there won't be too many "alone" times, because I am not good at being alone. Yes, I have Jaxon, but he isn't the best at carrying on conversation. Although he sure makes me smile and makes my heart sing.

So... what do you think? Enough on our plate at the present moment? We are coveting your prayers and appreciate them. God is working in our lives in ways we cannot even see, but at this point, all we can do is trust. Trust, trust, trust. It's the word of the year for me.

Playing catch up.

I truly do have good intentions for updating my blog and I never do. It's sorta like my good intentions for going to the gym. Or wearing my rubber bands more than just at night. Or reading my bible more. In my head I say that I will, and it just doesn't happen like it should. Anyways.

Life is crazy and honestly some days I just go to bed and wonder where the day/week/year of my life went. Work is crazy busy, there is always something going on, always someone to babysit (we're talking adults here, not kids) and always problems problems problems. But, for now, it's a little bit of escape from the stress in my personal life. It's 8 hours a day that I can focus on work (even though I'd rather not focus on work!) and just escape from life for a second. From a job-less and discouraged husband and a teething and unhappy baby and financial struggles and friends moving away and emotions running crazy and... you get the idea.

I am learning to trust. I have always thought I knew how to trust. But, see, the problem with me is that I trust someone/something for like .00234 seconds. Then I relinquish the control, and its on my shoulders again. Pastor John talked this morning about how we can never really trust someone until we realize that they may hurt us. That we may be stabbed in the back, we may be hurt, but understanding that and risking it anyway. Right now, at this very stage of my life, I can't do anything but trust. I have to trust that our bills will be paid and we will not be homeless. I have to trust that relationships will not fail. I have to trust that Jaxon knows that I love him, regardless of how bad of a Mom I feel I am sometimes. I have to trust in my maker, my creator, my Savior. Because really? That's all I can do.

My friend is moving away. And even though it's within driving distance, she's still moving. She is the reason Tyler and I went to our church. She is the reason we got involved in the best small group in the world. She has been my rock so many times this past year when I feel helpless and don't have anywhere to turn. She has been my first 'real' adult friend. She has made me feel beautiful again. She taught me how to love again. She encourages me and prays for me. She lets me cry and get slobber all over her shoulder. She loves me for me... and I'm going to miss her. Trust. All I can do is trust that even though she's moving, she'll still be in my life. Trust that God will bring in other friends to help me like she has. Trust.

It's really hard for me to trust. Really hard. And I would be lying to you if I sat here and told you that I have the concept mastered, or that I am fully trusting. Because I'm not. There's still doubt in my mind, there's still heartache, there's still unanswered questions and unanswered prayers. But I am trying... and I like to think that's at least good for something. I have made the commitment to try and trust, to learn how to let go. I am trying.

All of this probably makes no sense to you guys. It's on my heart and it's in my head and right now, this is the outlet I've chosen to try and talk about it and feel better. Will it work... I have no clue.

So much has happened and yet I sit here with a blinking cursor in front of me wondering what I should write about. Lets see... quick recap. Jaxon's birthday was an absolute amazing day, and there is a post coming this week (Friday to be exact!) covering his whole birthday extravaganza. Valentines Day came and went, we of course did nothing... although my husband did make me a really sweet homemade card and we made heart shaped cookies that night. We really have never been big on Valentines, even in the past when we could have done something big and extravagant. I secretly wish my husband would buy me flowers and oooh and ahhh over me all day long, but he tells me he loves me every night before I fall asleep and that is more important to me. Our church family has been bringing us meals every other night and so we've been eating well... lol, lots of fun recipes that I can share with you all soon, hopefully. I took Jaxon's 12 month pictures (because we couldn't afford a photographer, of course!) and I am proud of myself because I think they turned out alright. Well, I guess they did because I have had 4 people ask me to take their/their kids' pictures soon. I have a maternity shoot coming up, and a wedding to shoot in May. So maybe my photography dream isn't too far off, after all. Everyone has to start somewhere, right? I finally got to see my brother and his wife and kids last night. It's been too long, and whats pathetic is that they live 10 minutes away. I really, really miss my sister and have no idea what's going on in her life, other than when she updates her blog. I miss my Mom and Dad. I love how much they love me. I miss my inlaws. I wish we lived closer so that Jaxon and his uncle Cooper could grow up and play together. I wish I knew more about my younger brother and whats going on in his life. Really, I have no idea whats happening with him. What else -- I get my braces off in less than 48 hours. I am scared to death that we're going to have to move in order for Tyler to get a new job. I wonder if and when I'm going to be ready for another baby. I am praying for my friend whose heart is heavy. And, I'm tired. I think I'm going to go to bed now. Because I have rambled long enough, right? Right.

Last but not least... hang with me because I have 2 scheduled posts this week! Lots of pictures coming at ya!

Yeah, so. . .

Thursday was just another typical day. Woke up with a random kind of happiness that I don't always have on my way to work, but an issue that I had with a friend had dissolved, the sun was finally shining after 6 previous days of fog, and Grey's Anatomy was on that night. Yes, its true. I love Thursdays for that very reason.

Went through the day, got a lot accomplished, clocked out early. Picked up my son, saw him walk across my friends living room to greet me, took him home.

Opened the garage door, saw hubby's car. Thought it was strange since he never makes it home before I do. Removed baby from car seat, walked in the door. Saw hubby and his fancy new haircut. Asked him why he was home before me and chuckled as I asked him "you didn't quit your job did you?". He smiled, said no, took Jaxon from me to sit down.

"So why are you home early then?" {insert deafaning silence here} "Tyler? Why are you home before me?" {heart starts to race}

"I lost my job today."

{Panic races over me, but then relief as I realize he's probably playing a mean joke on me.} "No, seriously. Why are you home before me?"

"I lost my job today, Megan."

"You're serious?"

"They laid-off the entire department. No such thing as the Avionics department anymore."

*sobbing*

About 10 minutes later ...

"What are we going to do? There is no way we can survive on my salary alone. We will lose our house."

"We'll make it. We'll trust, we'll pray, and God will provide."

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Please pray for us.

Where in the world is Carmen Sandiago?

Sorry for being MIA the past week. It was a week from youknowwhere and each day I just focused on getting through the day and praying the next day would be better.

I was ganged up on multiple times this week by a couple of my employees and thrown under a semi by their comments and very hurtful things they did and said about me. I was THIS.CLOSE. to just quitting... I spent hours a couple times this week in tears in my office... just feeling overwhelmed and wondering what in the world I did to deserve it. I guess I just feel like this whole job situation would be different if someday I could look back on this and say "You know what... it was worth it. All of the stress, anxiety, and hurtful things I went through was worth it." But the sad thing is, I'll never be able to say that. I'll never be able to say that what I'm going through has made me a better person, because I really doubt it ever will. Anyway, I won't go in to detail because honestly, I just don't want to relive it or think about it on this beautiful Sunday.

Jaxon and I spent last weekend in Iowa visiting Tyler's family, while Tyler was out pheasant hunting. We had a really good time and Jaxon had a blast playing with his uncles :) It is always a relaxing time for me to go there because I am forced to sit and relax instead of worrying about my house and all things I should be doing. My sister met us there on Saturday to join us for trick-or-treating... here's a couple pics.




Jaxon turns 9 months tomorrow so I am excited to see how much he weighs at his appointment on Tuesday. Just can't believe it's been 9 months already... sigh! This week, I think, will be the end of my nursing days as he now has 2 big chomping teeth and bit me HARD {to the point of bleeding} this weekend. So the decision is now, do I quit and feel like a failure for not making it to a year, or do I suffer through? It has to be possible to train babies to not bite since people nurse a lot longer than 9 months, but I don't know if I can handle the chance of going through that pain again!

Yesterday at work this lady came through with her sister and I sat and watched them laugh and drink their Starbucks together. It made me really miss having spur-of-the-moment times with my Sister. Hopefully someday again soon.

It is beautiful today... 70 degrees in November... really?!?! Where's my snow and freezing cold weather? Although I must admit I am loving this quick break from winter... I have been able to take Jaxon on a couple walks this week and that really helped me unwind from work each day. Going to try and get outside to enjoy the day today again.

Have I said lately that I love my house?? I don't think I say that enough. I spend so much time thinking about how it really needs to be cleaned and the laundry really needs to be done and how there's always something to do... I truly don't spend enough time being thankful for it. I love having a place of our own, where we can create memories and raise our son. I love the way that our personalities have come through my decorating and the way that it is becoming our home and not just a roof over our heads. And I love that God has truly blessed us in so many ways. He is faithful to provide for all of our needs and I am so grateful for that.

Anyway, I think that's enough randomness for now... Here's to hoping this week will be much-less-eventful than the last, and hopefully I'll be back soon. Pray for me if you think about it... I need it.

Shells.

We have been studying the "Nooma" series from Rob Bell during this summer in our small group. If I can be honest for a minute, a lot of Rob Bell's stuff is way outside of the box and sometimes makes it hard for me to comprehend. Call me dense or stupid but a lot of times I just don't get it. But this past week we watched one Nooma video called "Shells" -- and let me just say, it rocked my world.

I find myself running and running from here to there, and watching life just pass me by. I am involved and participate in so many things, but yet I wonder what my life is all about. I find it hard to say no. I feel obligated. Rob Bell says "Maybe saying no would be easier to do, if we really understood what it meant to say yes." We were reminded that good is often the enemy of the best. He talked about how sometimes we unintentionally focus so much on something that is "good" that we are ultimately missing out on what's "best". For example: one person said that by focusing so much on building relationships with friends that he misses out on being at home and connecting with his family. One person said that by worrying so much about making worship and the experience 'perfect' on Sunday mornings that he misses the ultimate point and goal of it all, glorifying God. He even gave the example of how Jesus was spending time with his disciples, and someone came to say that there was a crowd of people waiting to see him. Instead of ditching his disciples to see the crowd, He said "Come, let us go to a quiet place." Either situation He chose would have been a good one, but His priority was spending time with His disciples. Even though your intentions are good, and what you're doing may be good, you spend so much time and energy focusing on this one thing, that you miss so much more. We run from here to there, from this appointment to the next "to-do" on our list, but what are we really doing with our time?

Rob Bell also gives this incredible, incredible analogy. He talks about how his family was at the beach one day, and they looked out on the ocean and saw a starfish floating on the water. His son started running as fast as he could towards it, while his family was yelling "Get it! Go get it!" His son got so close to it, then hesitated, stopped, and turned around. Once he got back to the beach, he stopped, turned around, and ran towards it once again while his family screamed "Yeahh! Go get it!!" Again, he got close to it, hesitated, stopped, and turned around. He came back on the beach and Rob asked him, "What's wrong? Why didn't you pick it up?" To which he answered, "because I didn't want to drop my shells." In his hands, he had handfuls of shells. He didn't want to give up what was most important to him, just because of something else that came along.

We started talking about what our lives are really about... what are we not willing to give up? What are we passionate about? What are we here on this earth to do? If you know me, you know that I have always struggled with this question. Even back in high school trying to figure out what I really wanted to do with my life was always hanging over my head. I may have appeared to have it all figured out, but I didn't. I went with what I was passionate about. I studied music -- I traveled and lived in the beautiful state of Colorado to further my music skills and knowledge. I am passionate about worship. I love the details behind it all, the talent involved, and the reason behind it. But something has always been missing for me, and to this day I can't really put my finger on it. Maybe it's my insecurities wondering if I'm really even good enough to be in that career. Maybe it's my lack of really finishing my education that makes me hesitant. Either way, obviously I haven't pursued it like I should -- I say "obviously" because I have worked for this bank for almost 3 years now. What started out as a way to help pay the bills in Palm Springs has turned into my pathetic career that I contemplate walking out of each day.

Then it hit me. I wonder if my purpose and what I'm all about is my family. {I'm talking about MY family, meaning my husband and my son.} I wonder if my purpose in life is to care for them, to encourage them, to provide for them. And I think it is. I think, for this time in my life, my passion is spending time with my son. Seeing him develop... watching him grow. Nurturing and caring for him like no one else can. Taking care of my husband and guarding our relationship. Providing them with a safe and welcoming home and environment where they will forever feel comfortable. I want to be a Mom -- a stay at home Mom. Not a working Mom that gets to spend 3 hours with her family each day before it's bedtime. Maybe this would change later on down the road once Jaxon starts school, maybe at that point I would be able to go back to school or pursue working again, maybe even at a church. But maybe not. Maybe what I'm here for is to be home and guard and protect and encourage and love on my family. I don't care to be successful at a job. I don't care if I have been told that I'm one of the best supervisors in our entire company. I don't care. And I don't think there's any shame in that.

If I could have the best of both worlds, I would stay at home and work part-time on weekends at a church serving in music ministry. Right now I am volunteering and I play keys and sing on worship team, and it has been an incredible blessing to me. I am so thankful for our church and for our small group -- it has been a life changing and growing season for both Tyler and I, and for that, I am extremely thankful.

Now that I can identify what I'm here for, I know what to start working towards. I can set a goal, and hopefully soon will accomplish it. Try to figure out what we can cut, and what sacrifices we're able to make in order to see it happen. God has given me the most incredible life partner -- my husband. He supports me in this and knows how badly and deeply I want this, and I know is trying to make this happen as bad as I am.

What about you? Just like the little boy at the beach, what are you so passionate about in your life that you'll never drop, even if something better comes along?

My mind is a war zone.

Leaving Jaxon is so hard. Everyone always says it will get easier, but it hasn't. Every day I contemplate walking out of my job, or not showing up. Hearing about what he's doing and thinking about all I'm missing is one of the worst feelings I've experienced. Wondering if he even misses me is worse.

Nursing and pumping is hard. It takes up so much of my time while I'm at work, and it's hard to not sit and think solely about what I'm missing while doing so. On the other hand, I love and cherish those quiet, bonding moments I experience with him later in the day... it makes it worth my time. I am not ready to quit yet, although I may not make it to a year like I originally planned solely because I have way too much already, and it's going to waste if we don't use it.

I question everything... (is that normal? oh crap, another question.)

I wonder if he think I'm boring. Do I talk to him enough? Maybe the reason he doesn't talk very much is because I don't talk to him enough. Am I reading to him enough and does this book stimulate his brain like it should? Does he feel safe at home? Does he know I'm his mom? Can he tell me apart from his babysitter? Is it bad that he watches TV? Maybe I should go on a walk with him so he won't think I'm boring. What kind of toys would be better for him? Is he too hot, too cold? I wonder if I feed him too much. Why won't he make eye contact with me? Would he even notice if I stop nursing? Is he developing properly? I wonder if he'd like this toy. Are the prayers that I pray for him the right things to pray for?

That is just what ran through my mind in about 30 seconds... so you can imagine what goes through my mind in a matter of the day.

Something that comes out of my mouth every night during prayer: God, lead and direct us as we raise Jaxon. Help me not to question every little thing I do. Help him to always know that I love him, and more importantly, that you love him.

Trying to balance my relationship with Jaxon and my relationship with Tyler is a whole other story. The two types of love for the boys are obviously completely different, yet I love them both so immensly and completely that I can't fully comprehend it. Last night as I prayed I said "God, my love for Jaxon is so deep that the thought of you loving all of your children even deeper is....... how can I even try to understand?"

My house gets to be a disaster area at times, but it's not high on my priority list at this point in life. Spending time with Jaxon is more important - not to mention, more fun!

I think it would be fun to be a photographer. I am seriously contemplating taking classes... but then my mind quickly goes to: more time away from Jax? Maybe later in life.

I wish I had time to go to the gym. I wish life would slow down. And I wish, just for a minute, that the clock would stand still so that I could breathe.

no words.

I can't be the perfect employee, the perfect wife, the perfect mom, the perfect friend, and be a perfect housekeeper all at the same time. I hate not being able to give 100% to anything in my life right now.

I am done trying. Lord, give me peace.

Miss me?

I know, I've been a slacker and have been MIA for the majority of this week.  So much for my New Years resolution to write more.  I'm cramped for time, so I'll just give a brief update of what's going on in my sad little world right now.

-Work sucks and I am so sick of working so much that I could puke.  I don't understand what's so hard about picking up the phone and making an offer to the two people I want to hire.  Instead they'd rather pay me double-OT to work 70+ hour weeks.  *sigh... I need a vacation.

-The house hunt has begun, and wow, it's fun!  (Is 'begun' a word?)  Last night we went out with our realtor, whom we love, and saw 5 houses.  Only one we are even considering, the others were no bueno.  Jacki joked that I am the most picky buyer she has had under the age of 25.  Does that surprise you?  Anyways, I can't get one of the houses out of my head, but I can't decide if that's just because it's the first house we saw that we like, or maybe it's because we really do like it.  Anyways, Sunday we are going out again and looking at 17 houses (maybe more if more listings are added before then), so by then, we'll have a better idea of what's going on and what exactly we like/dis-like.  I never imagined this many emotions could be running through me at one time in regards to buying a home.  Wowzers.

-I know I already said it, but we had an incredible time in Iowa last weekend.  We realized that we haven't spent any of our birthdays together (Tylers, mine, Jodi's, Tiff's, or Mason's) for the past 3 years so we were thankful we were able to make it up there.  The weekend was soooo relaxing... I love visiting other people's homes because I am literally forced to relax.  When I'm home my mind never shuts off about things I "could" be doing, so when I'm at someone else's home, I am forced to sit and be still, which I cherished.  The weather was beautiful so we spent lots of time outside playing with Mason... he is turning into a great boy and we love watching him grow.  Jodi was so happy to have us home and that was a great feeling, especially since the feelings were mutual.  :) I am waiting on pictures from Tiff and then I'll post a few.

-My parents are coming to town this weekend and I can't wait to see them.  I feel so disconnected so hopefully we have time to have some QT together.  I'm going to go ahead and blame my work on feeling disconnected to my parents.  Maybe I should call them more, you say?  Yeah, shush.  ;)

-Tonight I'm going to an uppercase living party, alone.  I think it just hit me today how few friends I have.  Andy (one of my employees) was talking today about how he can't wait for our "housewarming party" and I sat and thought... we would have no one to invite.  Okay, maybe a couple families.  That's going to be one saaaad, pathetic housewarming party.  We're bound and determined to have weekly game nights this summer.  So plan on it.

-I have been a slacker at the gym.  There... I said it.  I have still been going faithfully, but my mindset is not "in it" when I'm there, so my workouts haven't been great. 

That's all.  See?  I told you I had a pathetic little life.  :)  Thanks anyways for reading.

3 things.

1. We leave in 45 minutes to go meet with a mortgage lender.  We're scared, seriously.
2. We spent the weekend in Iowa and had an amazing time... more to come from that in a later post.
3. I love being off of work today. I think I want a new job.