Playing catch up.

I truly do have good intentions for updating my blog and I never do. It's sorta like my good intentions for going to the gym. Or wearing my rubber bands more than just at night. Or reading my bible more. In my head I say that I will, and it just doesn't happen like it should. Anyways.

Life is crazy and honestly some days I just go to bed and wonder where the day/week/year of my life went. Work is crazy busy, there is always something going on, always someone to babysit (we're talking adults here, not kids) and always problems problems problems. But, for now, it's a little bit of escape from the stress in my personal life. It's 8 hours a day that I can focus on work (even though I'd rather not focus on work!) and just escape from life for a second. From a job-less and discouraged husband and a teething and unhappy baby and financial struggles and friends moving away and emotions running crazy and... you get the idea.

I am learning to trust. I have always thought I knew how to trust. But, see, the problem with me is that I trust someone/something for like .00234 seconds. Then I relinquish the control, and its on my shoulders again. Pastor John talked this morning about how we can never really trust someone until we realize that they may hurt us. That we may be stabbed in the back, we may be hurt, but understanding that and risking it anyway. Right now, at this very stage of my life, I can't do anything but trust. I have to trust that our bills will be paid and we will not be homeless. I have to trust that relationships will not fail. I have to trust that Jaxon knows that I love him, regardless of how bad of a Mom I feel I am sometimes. I have to trust in my maker, my creator, my Savior. Because really? That's all I can do.

My friend is moving away. And even though it's within driving distance, she's still moving. She is the reason Tyler and I went to our church. She is the reason we got involved in the best small group in the world. She has been my rock so many times this past year when I feel helpless and don't have anywhere to turn. She has been my first 'real' adult friend. She has made me feel beautiful again. She taught me how to love again. She encourages me and prays for me. She lets me cry and get slobber all over her shoulder. She loves me for me... and I'm going to miss her. Trust. All I can do is trust that even though she's moving, she'll still be in my life. Trust that God will bring in other friends to help me like she has. Trust.

It's really hard for me to trust. Really hard. And I would be lying to you if I sat here and told you that I have the concept mastered, or that I am fully trusting. Because I'm not. There's still doubt in my mind, there's still heartache, there's still unanswered questions and unanswered prayers. But I am trying... and I like to think that's at least good for something. I have made the commitment to try and trust, to learn how to let go. I am trying.

All of this probably makes no sense to you guys. It's on my heart and it's in my head and right now, this is the outlet I've chosen to try and talk about it and feel better. Will it work... I have no clue.

So much has happened and yet I sit here with a blinking cursor in front of me wondering what I should write about. Lets see... quick recap. Jaxon's birthday was an absolute amazing day, and there is a post coming this week (Friday to be exact!) covering his whole birthday extravaganza. Valentines Day came and went, we of course did nothing... although my husband did make me a really sweet homemade card and we made heart shaped cookies that night. We really have never been big on Valentines, even in the past when we could have done something big and extravagant. I secretly wish my husband would buy me flowers and oooh and ahhh over me all day long, but he tells me he loves me every night before I fall asleep and that is more important to me. Our church family has been bringing us meals every other night and so we've been eating well... lol, lots of fun recipes that I can share with you all soon, hopefully. I took Jaxon's 12 month pictures (because we couldn't afford a photographer, of course!) and I am proud of myself because I think they turned out alright. Well, I guess they did because I have had 4 people ask me to take their/their kids' pictures soon. I have a maternity shoot coming up, and a wedding to shoot in May. So maybe my photography dream isn't too far off, after all. Everyone has to start somewhere, right? I finally got to see my brother and his wife and kids last night. It's been too long, and whats pathetic is that they live 10 minutes away. I really, really miss my sister and have no idea what's going on in her life, other than when she updates her blog. I miss my Mom and Dad. I love how much they love me. I miss my inlaws. I wish we lived closer so that Jaxon and his uncle Cooper could grow up and play together. I wish I knew more about my younger brother and whats going on in his life. Really, I have no idea whats happening with him. What else -- I get my braces off in less than 48 hours. I am scared to death that we're going to have to move in order for Tyler to get a new job. I wonder if and when I'm going to be ready for another baby. I am praying for my friend whose heart is heavy. And, I'm tired. I think I'm going to go to bed now. Because I have rambled long enough, right? Right.

Last but not least... hang with me because I have 2 scheduled posts this week! Lots of pictures coming at ya!