Happy day-after Valentines Day!

Let me be completely honest for a minute.  I sorta hate valentines day.  Not because I'm a big-holiday-hater, but I just think this holiday is so hyped up and crazy, that I sorta hate it.  Let me refer back to a previous post when I stated that my 2 love languages are "Words of Affirmation" and "Quality Time".  Now let me tell you what happened to me yesterday, on Valentines Day.

I had been in a Supervisor Training class all day yesterday and Tuesday, and by the time I got home, I was drained.  I hate learning how to put my employees on corrective action, I hate learning the proper way to fire someone, and I hate learning how many times "this" person can be tardy before "this happens".  I just don't like to think about being a mean boss.  Not only that, but I had made a major mistake on our bank account (which is bad considering I'm in banking), and I was really upset with myself.  Here's what happened, and don't disown me as your friend, promise?  Tyler and I owe on our taxes this year, AND we're trying to save money for buying a house.  So we decided that we would save all of our money and put it into a savings account for the house fund, and now recently I've opened another account for the taxes, so that we don't have to loan from the IRS when we submit our taxes this year.  (I've already done our taxes but haven't submitted them, so that's how I know how much we owe).  Every payperiod, I have brought our checking account to a $1.00 balance, because once I pay all of the bills, any money that is leftover goes to our savings.  Then we get paid, we pay the bills, and I transfer the leftover money to savings.  You get the point.  So earlier this week I made a transfer to our savings and a transfer to our "tax" account, and the same day made a huge payment on our credit card.  Long story short - I didn't account for the transfers I did earlier in the day and paid way too much on the credit card, resulting in 3 overdraft fees.  Let me just say... I have never been overdrawn.  Tyler has never been overdrawn.  We have never been overdrawn since we've been married.  I know, I shouldn't be so hard on myself since these fees were because we were trying to SAVE and TRIPLE our credit card payment, and it's not like they were because we are just frivilous and spend too much money, but I still felt like crap. 

So, long story short, by the time Tyler got off of work, I was not in a good mood.  He made us reservations to go to a Live Jazz Restaurant downtown for valentines, and I told him I didn't want to go.  Then I proceeded to have a "minor" breakdown.  I cried for a good 30 minutes.  Now, before you call me a baby... I can't remember the last time I cried.  I *think* it was the week before Thanksgiving.  So, crying felt good.  And the entire time that I cried, my husband just held me and kept telling me "It's okay, It's okay."  Holy crap - that felt good to cry that much.

All the emotions, stress, and anxiety I have felt in the past 3 months came out in that 30 minutes, and wow... it felt good.  We ended up staying in for the night and had some wine, and I made enchiladas and mexican corn dip.  It was probably one of the best valentines days I've ever had.  Not because my husband spent tons of money on a big gift, or because he took me to a nice, expensive restaurant, (because he didn't do either of those things)... but just because he told me how much he loved me, that everything would be okay, and we spent some quality time together. 

I am so blessed to have such an incredible, supportive husband.

I hope you had a great Valenties day also.

Menu planning = no fun.

One of mine and Tyler's new years resolutions is to only eat out one time per week.  If you know us, this is a huge thing because we love to eat out, and usually by the time I get home from work and the gym, I am in no mood to want to cook a big meal.  But in an attempt to save money before buying a home this Spring/Summer, we are trying really hard to only eat out once a week.  This weekend however we ate out 3 times... whoops.  ;)

Tonight I need to work on my menu for the next 3 weeks, so here's a few things that I have on the list, but if you have anymore ideas or new recipes you'd like to share with me, please feel free to add.  :)  We are definitely up for always trying new things.

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  Taco puffs (sooo easy but sooo good!)
  
  


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  Chicken Spaghetti
  
  


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  Chicken & Dumplings (slow-cooker recipe)
  
  


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  Spaghetti w/ meat sauce
  
  


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  Enchiladas
  
  


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  Cheesey potato soup
  
  


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  Spiral spaghetti casserole
  
  


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  Ricotta pasta with sausage (Rachel Ray recipe!  Yum-O!)
  
  


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  Lasagna... Ty's favorite.
  
  


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  Ravioli Casserole
  
  


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  Chili
  
  


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  And of course, the infamous frozen pizza
  
  

This is just a brief, small idea of what we'll be eating the next couple weeks... same 'ole, same 'ole.

Anyone have any good recipes you'd like to share with me?  :)

I love being creative

Here's a few samples of some cards that I made recently that I love.  You can click on the thumbnail, and see the full picture.  Enjoy!  :)

        

Journal entry - 1.24.08

It's funny how when you pray, God hears you.  I hate the prayers that go something like, "God, help me to understand this."  or "God, show me what I'm doing in my life that isn't pleasing to you."  or even "God, give me direction and a desire to do something different with my life."  I'm pretty sure He hears those prayers, and gladly says, "Comin' right up!!" 

 I have learned so much about myself in the quiet times that I sit and reflect.  I am a selfish person.  (Wow, that's hard to write/type).  I am always looking out for myself.  I want what is going to make ME happy, and I don't always think about how it will affect anyone else.  For instance... how about right now, when I have lost my best friend.  I am a selfish person for wanting this friendship, when I know that I am the only one benefiting from it.  Angie is not a better person because of me.  In fact, she is much happier and better off without me.  But instead of letting her go and wishing her well, I am sad and actually mad that she has moved on, because it's not just her moving on to the next stage in her life, but it's her moving on to the next stage in her life... without me.  I am no longer the focus of her attention.  She has different friends now, and that hurts, but it's the truth and I need to get over it and face it.  Instead of trying to focus my attention on being a better friend to her, and figuring out what our friendship looks like in this stage in our lives, I have spent my time thinking of all the ways that she has hurt me.  How freakin' selfish am I.  I hate myself for who I've allowed myself to become.  I am an entirely different person than I was in highschool/college, but not always for the better.

Another thing that I have realized about myself is that I'm never content.  I have a beautiful, nice townhome, but because it's not a house, or not as big as others, it's not good enough.  I have a stable job, that I am actually starting to enjoy, but because it doesn't pay like I think it should... then it sucks.  I have a husband who is incredible.  He is an amazing provider for us, he is caring, sincere, and is always looking out for me.  But because he doesn't "oooh and ahhh" over everything I do, then he doesn't love me.  (Obviously he does, it's just my crazy mind at work again).  Do you see the pattern here?  I do.  I get what I want; but then I want more.  It's like the term "keeping up with the Jones'", but there are no Jones', it's just me.  Why am I like this and what can I do to change? 

 Another thing I have realized is how much I depend on other people.  I am incapable of not just making simple decisions, but also incapable of feeling good about myself without being told to do so.  My self-image is so completely off.  For example, many of you know how much weight I've lost.  I can honestly say that in my mind, I have hardly lost any weight.  My sister took some pictures of me when I wasn't looking last weekend, and I happened to see them last night while I was bored and looking through Tyler's camera, and I couldn't believe it.  I was shocked.  "That's ME??!!??"  I seriously probably said that at least 10 times over and over again to Tyler.   If you've ever read "The Five Love Languages", you could have probably guessed that my primary love language is Words of Affirmation.  Words are so important to me.  This concept is hard for my husband to grasp... he does not understand WHY he has to tell me repeatedly throughout the week that I'm beautiful, and that he loves me.  He thinks one time every so often should be plenty, but to me, it's not.  Even on the nights that we go out and I spend tons of time trying to look pretty, I don't "feel" pretty until he tells me that I am.  This is a problem.  This has also spread out so that now I don't feel like I'm a good enough friend, sister, or co-worker unless I'm told.  My self-worth is slim to none.  I have always had a low self-esteem, but nothing like this.  It was during small group on Sunday morning that the "Ah-ha" moment set in for me.  One of my girls that I lead (they are 8th graders, remember) said "I hated the way my hair looked for school and I felt so fat, and kept telling myself that I was ugly.  Then I remembered that God created me the way that I am and that He thinks I'm beautiful... how dare I say any different."  Wow, I just learned a lesson from an 8th grader.  How embarassing.  But seriously - yes, words are important, but I shouldn't be so dependant on them.  Add that to my million-page list of things I'm working on. 

 I am living such a pointless life.  I don't want to just exist; I want to thrive.  I want there to be meaning to what I do.  I want to wake up in the mornings and actually feel like there is a reason to get out of bed.  I want to be on-fire for God, permanently.  I want to be important and make a difference in someone's life.  I want someone to say "I am better because of Megan and because she did 'this' for me."  I want a passion for people and to see others succeed in life.  I want to feel happy and careless again.  I want to smile and laugh like a child.  I want to feel and know that a calling on my life actually exists.  I want to feel passionate about something... I want my heart to burn for something, and never die.  I want to learn how to love again, and how to encourage and motivate people.  To be so passionate and in-tune with my maker, that everything I say and do is God-breathed. 

Heavenly Father, I come to you tonight completely broken, empty, and lost.  Thank you for those feelings - I know that means you are working in my heart.  Thank you for instilling a passion in me that I can't even describe.  I am a wreck.  My life feels so meaningless, and I'm so tired of it.  You have designed me for something so much more, and I praise you and thank you for that.  Please give me direction and a continued passion for something bigger and greater.  Forgive me for who I've allowed myself to be.  Forgive me for being selfish and for never feeling content.  I pray for a hedge of protection over my mind, that I would believe that I AM worth something, that there IS a purpose for my life, and that I would never forget that.  Forgive me for making myself feel as if I am worth nothing.  Forgive me for constantly telling myself that I'll never be good enough.  Forgive me for having such a low self-esteem.  I have been designed and created in your image... thank you for that reminder that you made me and love me just the way that I am.  I love you and praise you for who you are and what you're doing in my life.  Amen.

A bunch of mumbo jumbo.

Today is going to be a productive day.  Not only am I going to get grocery shopping and some cleaning done, but I am going to majorly update my blog.  The past few weeks have been a whirlwind, and so many times I have wanted to sit and write to myself, but haven't really had an opportunity to do so until now.  So, here goes nothing.

 I got the job as a Teller Supervisor of the new branch opening the first week of March.  Holy crap, a supervisor.  That means I actually have to hire people.  I have to do reviews, coach my employees if they aren't doing their job correctly, do disciplinary action, and also am able to fire people.  Holy crap.  As excited as I am to not be a banker anymore, suddenly I have realized what kind of responsibility I have taken on, and it has completely stressed me out.    You're telling me that I'm going to be second in command of the entire bank?  Who in their right mind hired me to do that.  Holy holy crap.  :::panic mode setting in::: 

Yesterday we had a scrap day at Christines, and as always, I loved it.  (I'm going to post pictures today of a few recent cards I've made)  It is so relaxing and fun to stamp and make cards with Christine... she is such an amazing human being.  It's so funny how our relationship went from her being a mentor to me, to now she's a close friend.  I can literally tell her about anything, as embarassing or funny as it is, and she is just a friend.  She offers advice, but doesn't put on the "mentor face" and tell me what I did right, or wrong, but just listens.  One of the most soothing things to my ears is "I understand.", or "Me too."  What?!  You can relate to me?!  Wow.  Not only that, but she shares with me things she struggles with.  What an amazing person to share life with.  There were also a few girls there from a small group that Tyler and I used to go to.  Lori, Sara, and Nichole.  They are amazing girls and fun to spend time with.  I got home from stamping and felt a little depressed and mad/upset that we don't go to their small group anymore.  The girls are wonderful and I connect with them very well, but my husband doesn't "click" with the guys in the group, except for Rodney.  If you know Tyler, you know that he isn't the type to go up and introduce himself and make conversation with a complete stranger.  On the other hand, if that complete stranger did that to him though, Tyler would sit and talk with him all day and night.  So, it makes me sad because I think highly of the girls and would love to attend their small group and get close to them, but it's hard to when my husband doesn't like it.  But, I can understand... if our roles were reversed, I would be the same way.  So Tyler and I talked last night and decided to start looking for a small group out of ICCC, our own church.  We've been invited to start attending a couple different groups, but one is for couples with babies (not us), and the other group hasn't officially started yet but is in the works, so once it does we will try it out.  I'm excited... we need fellowship desperately.  Not only do I need girlfriends, but Tyler needs guy friends also.  It's so hard to find young couples that we can relate to... but not only do we want friends, but we NEED friends.  

It's so hard for me trying to figure out what an "adult" life looks like.  Not only just the adult life, but the adult friendships.  I know after you're married there is no such thing as sleepovers anymore, and I know you don't see or talk to your friends everyday either.  But does that mean you talk once a month, once every few months, or once a week?  What is the "correct" amount of time that I should want to spend time with a friend?  For the life of me, I cannot find a happy medium.  Sometimes when I get depressed that I have no one to go to the movies with, or out for a coffee with, I always start thinking about other "older" married ladies.  Do they go out on weekends with friends or with another couple group?  No, not that I know of anyways. Sometimes I hate being grown-up.  To make matters worse, because my sister is one of my only friends and she is young and in college, I am constantly comparing myself to her life and wishing I had half as many friends as her, and wishing I was constantly having to decide who to spend my time with.  (I know, I need to stop.)  Instead, I'm at home, trying to think of someone to call.... with no luck.  I literally feel like I'm stuck inside a 30-something year old's life, but I'm only in my early 20's.  I have a stable job, a husband, a house, 2 dogs... so, this is the life?  This is what people do after they get married?  Let me set the record straight by saying I love being married.  Married life truly is awesome, and I am by NO means saying your life is over after you get married.  I love sharing my life with someone.  I just wish WE (as a couple) had friends to hang out with, and relate to.  No, I'm not talking every night, or even every weekend... I'm talking about once in a while, just having someone to go out for dinner with or someone to just spend some time with.  So with that being said... Tyler and I are currently taking applications for friends.  (hehe, just kidding of course!) 

Well, that is all that I can talk about at this very moment.  I am going to upload some journal entries that I've made over the past couple weeks, just so you know some things that I've been dealing with, and how you can pray for me.  Don't worry, not every post will be depressing like this one was.  :)