Trusting.

This year has been full of up and downs. If you know me in real life, or even if you've regularly followed my blog, you know that. Re-reading our Christmas letter from last year, it was all frilly and perfect. "Tyler still enjoys his job..." - "Megan is still working at..." - "Jaxon is 10 months old and is the light of our lives..." - etc. Oh me oh my... how times have changed. And it didn't take long... a month after Christmas our lives were flipped upside down and we had to learn to trust. To really trust. To let go, and believe, even when every circumstance in our lives told us not to.

As much as I want to say we've completely learned the concept of letting go and trusting, it would be a lie. I want to say we have it all under control. But we don't. I still worry, I still fret. I hate that I do. I wish it was easier to trust in His provision.

Even today, I am on the verge of tears as Christmas approaches and I want so much for my boys, but can't give it all to them. I want so many more gifts to be under the tree from us {their parents}, but they won't be there. I want to drive home to the Midwest and not worry about gas money or our car breaking down on the way there. I want to give and give and give so much to my parents and inlaws, because they deserve it. I want to go to the grocery store and not have to cut coupons and buy off-brands. I want to be current on our mortgage in Kansas City, not months behind. I want to pay off all these medical bills that keep showing up each day from having a baby, and not have to make payments. I want to go back to our Christmas last year, when all seemed perfect, and continue those traditions we wanted so badly to have and continue each year... but instead we're striving to be content with what we have now and where we are.

Did you notice every sentence of the above paragraph started with "I want"? Yep, I want all those things. But I don't need any of it.

If I have a "come-to-Jesus" meeting with myself, I realize we're in this position financially because of sacrifices we've made. We've made these sacrifices for our boys, so that I'm able to stay home with them. It's what I've always wanted, but I truly believe it's whats best for our family right now. We've gone from 2 incomes and 1 baby to 1 income and 2 babies... but wouldn't change it for the world.

Money problems are for the birds. I hate the stress it brings, not only to yourself, but to your marriage. The extra pressure it adds to my husbands shoulders as he worries about being able to provide for us. Every time another bill shows up on my door step I always jump to the conclusion that it's my fault because I stay home and it literally makes me want to give up this SAHM gig and sign up for the first job I find on Craigslist. Or take up a fancy craft and sell it online. Or sign up for Avon. {just kidding about that last one.}

I am so thankful for a God that has provided for us faithfully this year and won't leave us now. Even when we both were jobless and had no idea what we were going to do, the bills were still paid. The heat was still on. There was still food on our table. People kept telling me that they admired how strong I was through it all, but I didn't feel strong. I felt weak. They kept telling me that they admired how I was able to trust God through it all. But really, what other option did I have? I could trust, or I could not trust. Take your pick, Megan.

So this Christmas, once again, I am choosing to trust. Trusting that, once again, He will provide for all of our needs. Not our wants, but our needs. And while I am bummed that Christmas won't be as fancy as I would want it to be for my boys, I am trusting that they'll remember this Christmas being filled with love.

And my God will meet all your needs according

to the riches of his glory in Christ Jesus.

~Philippians 4:19