Unexpected.

Sunday was the same kind of Sunday we've had for a while now. A great church service, a Sunday afternoon nap, and a wonderful group of friends at Life Group to close out the day. Towards the end of group, Jaxon was getting a little "needy" and wanted to be held. I didn't think anything of it, being it was 7:00 and getting close to his bed time. We got home, said our "na-nights" to him, and he fell sleep.

15 hours later, he was still sleeping. If you have a baby or child, you know how unheard of this is. He's a fairly early riser each morning, so when I woke up at 9:30 {yes, my husband kindly let me sleep in} I was shocked to see him still asleep when I looked at the monitor. At 10:45 I had enough and went in to his room to wake him up. Right away I could tell something was wrong, he did not want to drink anything and was very shaky. He felt warm to me, so I knew he was fighting some kind of bug. He sat around all morning in our laps and around noon, all the sudden he became hot to the touch. I took his temperature .... 105.5. When I told Tyler, he said "alright, lets go. I have no idea where we're going, to the ER or to the doctor, but we need to go somewhere." Our doctor saw us right away after arriving and it all began. A handful of tests, finger pricks, blood draws, all inconclusive. Despite not drinking anything all day, his electrolyte levels were actually decent, so we were able to go home.

As you can imagine, Monday night I did not get much rest. The constant worrying about him through the night and then going in to wake him every 4 hours to give Tylenol, PLUS having a newborn ... yeah. Tuesday morning we headed back to the doctor. Jax still was not any better and was still running a high fever - between 104 and 105 each time we checked. After more tests, more pokes, and more draws... the doctor admitted us to the childrens wing in the hospital. One of those memories that will forever be engraved in my brain, my helpless and extremely lethargic child in my arms as we walked into our room. Oh, and lets not even talk about having to strap his entire body down in order to get an IV put in. Worst.experience.ever.

Since then, they have found out that the infection started as pneumonia. What they can't figure out is why his fever is so high, why his fever won't drop, and why he's not responding {fighting} off the infection with the antibiotics. They've changed his meds a few times and are about to do it again in the next hour or two. Every test they run comes back negative, and it's just a mystery what kind of infection his poor little body is fighting. The doctor even told me yesterday that it's very possible we will leave here never knowing what it was he has/had.

We're exhausted. "Rest" at a hospital is a complete joke. I know it's their job, but with the nurses and aids coming in every 45 minutes to get vitals destroys any chance of Jaxon getting a good nights rest. I have stayed overnight with him, sleeping by his side either in his bed or in the recliner... and oh yeah, did you forget about Cohen who needs his mommy to nurse every 4 hours? Ahhh.... :)

This is not the Christmas we wanted or imagined. At this very moment, we should be just a few hours away from my parents house in Missouri. We should be just days away from being with Tyler's family in Iowa. But instead, we're in a hospital. We are not sure at this point if we'll be going home at all.

Believe it or not, I am handling this better than I thought I would. Don't get me wrong, I've had my moments of sheer panic and misery as I sob in my husbands arms, but overall I am okay. I want to kick and scream and say a million times over again "It's not fair!" ... and it's not. But for whatever reason, this is the way it is. My poor child is sick. I am his mommy and can't kiss it all better. Pure heartbreak.

I am so ready for 2010 to be over. Hands down, this has been the hardest year of my life.

My friend stopped by yesterday, and as she was driving over, she said that God gave her this word to give to me... "Emmanuel", which means "God with us". As soon as she told me that, I had hot tears rolling down my face. What a perfect reminder, that no matter where we spend Christmas, no matter what worries we have, no matter what circumstances we're under, no matter what we're facing... God with us. Right here, in this hospital room.

Thank you to everyone who has sent a text, email, facebook message, and a word of hope to us during this week we've had. We are hopeful to be out of here soon... very soon. Praise the good Lord he's been without a fever since 5pm last night. We want out of here, but the doctor isn't so sure. And that's okay. I don't want to leave too early, only to end up right back where we started.

Even though this isn't the Christmas I wanted or asked for, I am certain of one thing. No matter where we are come Saturday, we are together. My son is alive. My little guy is smiling as if there's not a care in the world. I have my husbands hand to hold. And I have my Savior to praise and celebrate.

Praying you and your family have a very Merry Christmas. I'll update again when I can.