Just being real.

Most days, I am happy.

And if I'm not, for whatever reason, I try really hard to see the positives in my life, which really does make me happy.

Today, I just feel so ... sigh... feeling sorry for myself, I guess. Missing both of our families. Missing my friends. Missing Jaxon's buddies and playmates. Missing our community of fellowship from church. Missing the fall, cooler weather. Missing missing missing.

It makes me sad when I think about staying overnight in the hospital room by myself. It makes me sad to think that all of our family and friends won't be there to meet the baby before we leave the hospital. {side note: my Mom and Grandma are coming, along with Tyler's family at some point. So that is a happy side note.} It makes me sad when I look at all of Jaxon's pictures and see our entire family there the night he was born. It makes me sad to see one of my closest friends Karalie at our side, caring for us and Jaxon. It makes me sad that my siblings and my Dad won't even meet my new son until Thanksgiving. It makes me sad that my sister won't sneak into my house while I'm sleeping with my newborn and do dishes for me. We had company pretty much non-stop in our hospital room celebrating our new baby boy, and this time around I'm just terrified of sitting there alone. It just makes me sad that things are going to be so different this time around.

And I'm scared. I'm scared to be a Mom to 2. I'm scared I won't have enough love, enough patience, enough time in the day to tell them both how much I love them. I'm scared Jaxon will feel replaced. I'm scared he won't understand. I'm scared of nursing again, and recovering from a c-section again with a 1 1/2 year old to chase after. I'm scared of never showering again and never getting any sleep or time in the day to just breathe. I'm scared of not loving this child the way I do Jaxon. I'm scared I won't be good enough for both of them. I'm scared they are both going to need me at the same time and I won't be able to help them both... who will I help first? I'm scared of my husband and my relationship going south because of the stress of it all. I'm scared of doing all these things without any support, without any friends and family nearby.

I realize these are 'consequences' of us moving away. I realize that, and obviously don't blame anyone for it. We moved here for a reason. To be together, to have stability, to have medical benefits. We moved here because God wanted us to. Why? ... I'm just not sure yet.

I feel bad even complaining, like I'm not allowed to. I mean, I expressed for how long that I'd go anywhere just to be with my husband and son and be together again. And I really did (do) mean that. I just cannot understand why the things had to happen the way they did ... why in January Tyler got laid-off to begin with. Why he essentially got laid-off again before even starting a new job 6 months later, which would have allowed us to stay in KC. Why we always have to live so far from our families. Why. Those are questions I may never have answered, and I have to be able to accept that... somehow.

Don't get me wrong... overall we really are happy here. Tyler coming home each night, eating dinner together, seeing my boys play together, falling asleep together... those are things I cherish and to this day appreciate more than I ever did before. Maybe that's the reason... maybe that's the answer for those questions. To help me not take for granted those things in life that I always just expected and never fully appreciated.

Today, I just feel sad. Tears keep coming out of my eyes. Jaxon just keeps looking at me and rubbing my leg to console me. Just as your Momma used to say ... sometimes, life just isn't fair.

On a lighter note ...

Guess what I got today in the mail. A hand-written letter from my sister. It, of course, brought me to tears ... but what doesn't these days? I swear I have some kind of crazy-pregnant-lady-always-crying syndrome. Poor Tyler... I'll be lucky if he doesn't admit me to a psych ward before my pregnancy ends.

She also sent me this recipe - Pumpkin Roll with Cream Cheese Filling. The only bad thing about this? I need to have it. Right now. You better believe I'll be making it tonight, or tomorrow. Whenever I can get myself to the grocery store.

Thanks for making me smile today, Sister.

The Lord will perfect that which concerns me; Your mercy and loving-kindness, O Lord, endure forever -- forsake not the works of Your own hands.

Psalm 138:8