Jaxon - 4 1/2.

Well Mr. Man... another 6 months has flown by in the blink of an eye.

You really are the most gentle and tender hearted child I know.  You have a sweet and sensitive spirit, so instead of parenting how we assumed was best, we've had to take a step back and really dig in deep to who you are as we try to figure out how that little mind of yours operates!

You THRIVE on positive words and it amazes me how much you repeat those kind words to others, the more you hear them!

Your obsession with Legos and Batman continues, and you LOVE to build and create with blocks or Legos... and dude, you're an amazing builder.  You also enjoy playing hide and seek, chase, and searching for pirates in the backyard.  It makes me so happy seeing your imagination grow!

Of course, your friendship with Cohen continues to get stronger by the day as well.  One of my favorite moments recently was when your brother came out of his room crying, and before I could even see what was wrong, you yelled from your room, "Cohen, if you're scared, come sleep with me!"  You two slept together that night, and Cohen's bed has been in your room ever since.

Preschool starts in 2 short weeks!  You'll be going 3 mornings a week, and I'm really looking forward to it. Of course, my feelings may change the day of, but I think the routine and instruction from your teachers will only help us!

You've started getting yourself dressed (or attempting to, which is great!), and you can now put your own shoes on as well, which is a big help to Mommy.  Realizing how much "less" you've needed me to help you lately has been bittersweet, for sure.

One of my favorite things about this age is how I'm able to have a conversation with you.  We had a chance to go to the store one-on-one recently, and we talked the entire way there!  You're full of questions and definitely have a mind like your Dad's, trying to understand the who/what/when/where/why of everything.  I love it.

You're also an incredibly affectionate boy.  You love to have your back scratched, and physical touch of some sort always helps calm you down or reassure you.

You are a true gift from God.  Jaxon Daniel, we love you to the moon and back!

Weekend away.

This past weekend, Tyler and I drove 6 hours north to Okoboji, where his best friend from childhood was getting married.

We packed and loaded the car within an hour...
We had peace and quiet and actual CONVERSATIONS (and naps)...
We stayed out late and slept in...
We rode roller coasters...

We didn't have any fun at all.  :)

Have I mentioned how thankful I am for parents that actually WANT to spend time with their grand babies?  As we were walking out the door to leave, I thanked my Mom for staying with them and she replied, "no... thank YOU!"

I love it so much.

Adam (the groom) has been Tyler's best friend since 5th grade, so being back on their old stomping grounds in Okoboji was tons of fun, and I lost count of the hilarious stories they told about the trouble they got in during their summers there.

On top of Tyler being a groomsmen, I was also asked to be their photographer, which was great!  For 6 summers straight, Adam worked the roller coaster at Arnold's Park, so he had this idea for a wedding party shot.  They would stop the roller coaster underneath this sign, and I would stand below to take the picture... sounds easy enough.  What he failed to mention to me, was how I would have to climb the cat walk next to the roller coaster (way up high), then step ACROSS the tracks, in order to get the shot.

It was worth it.  But if you know me at all, you know this was a HUUUGE stretch for me... I am terrified of heights!

It was a very unique wedding... the romantic ceremony on a boat, this roller coaster shot, and a lot of fun details throughout.  Except for this one groomsmen who kept hitting on me throughout the day..... ;)

The weekend went by lightning quick, but we loved every second away, as well as the hugs and kisses we got from the boys as we pulled in the driveway Sunday evening.

"MOMMMMYYYYYY!!!  DADDDDDYYYYY!!!  WE MISSED YOU!"... it never gets old.

Latest and greatest.

(image via meg)

One of those quotes that makes me uncomfortable even reading it, yes?

We are still living in our rental and there's multiple times a week that I convince myself that it won't be this way for much longer, and something big (and hopefully "better") is about to happen.

But then I read a quote like this and wonder if my character, my attitude, the things that are important to me are what is changing, instead of our situation.  Maybe we WILL be in this rental, living paycheck to paycheck, for much much much longer.  Maybe my heart and priorities are being transformed "in the bad", before we can move on to "the good".

Because of our limited budget and the highhhh price of Johnson County, our options to move are...impossible...limited.  The one time we went to look at another place, we came home and thanked the good Lord for this big beautiful super spacious bright rental that we currently have... ha...haaa...haaaa.  (but really!)

I will tell you, what's really stretching me the most about living here, is dealing with the showings.  I may not have even mentioned it here... when we gave our 30-day notice to our landlord that we were moving out, he put this place on the market.  Another one of those "whyyyyy did it happen this way" situations.  However, it is WAY overpriced, so it won't sell any time soon... but now we deal with showings multiple times a week.  And let's talk about how much fun it is to keep my house in "show ready" condition, and find places to go for hours at a time during showings, with 2 boys and a dog.  :)

We can't buy again until next June (10 months away), so the thought of moving now and signing a 12 month lease somewhere doesn't seem right.  However, because the house IS on the market, we may not have a choice if the right offer is made to our landlord.

A lot of days, I'm ok.  I trust that The Lord already has this entire situation worked out (for our good!) but I'd be lying to you if I said that some days, I don't feel suffocated with worry and trying to figure it all out on my own.  I'm ready for this "waiting period" to be over.

It's easy to praise when things are going our way... when we're living a comfortable life.
But in these moments of loneliness, worry, and questioning...
It's not as easy.
But if it's going to bring me closer to God... bring my heart closer in tune with His...
I'll go through it time and time again.

So, with much hesitation, I ask...
Bring me the uncomfortable, Lord.
(in small doses, please and thank you.)

Jumping back in.

There's so many things to say here.  So much to catch up on, that the thought of starting up again is almost suffocating.  Stepping back from blogging the past few months and reevaluating the reason behind this platform has been refreshing.

Realizing that more often than not, I was writing for others instead of myself has been eye opening.

And even more importantly, the Lord working on my heart in some deep and hard ways has been challenging.  Realizing that my life is like a fuel tank, and there's a reason we need to rest each night, and also a reason why we need to recharge at the beginning of the day has helped me become more aware of my constant need for the Lord.

Through all of this refining and waiting, I have been in some sort of a daze and all the while, my boys have truly grown up right before my eyes, while I was unaware of it.  Just in the last week or so, Cohen has clinged to his big brother in a way I haven't noticed before.  When he's scared, he reaches for Jaxon.  When he has a question, he asks his brother.  I was told at the gym that the two of them are inseparable and only play with each other.

While I'm so thankful for their friendship and relationship, part of me is already missing when I was their go-to, instead of each other.  Mama is feeling a little bit left out, I guess!

What are some other things that I want to remember?

How Cohen has morphed into a big boy so quickly... getting rid of his binky, potty training himself in 2 days (seriously!), riding and pedaling his big boy bike, and upgrading to a toddler bed and out of his crib.  The crib is still up, waiting to be filled... hint hint Mr. Keith :)

The 3 days Tyler and I spent child-free in Lake of the Ozarks... we celebrated 8 YEARS of marriage!  There are not enough words to thank my parents for watching our boys... it was truly refreshing!

The fun summer we've had despite all the sad... full of lots of time at the swimming pool, days in our backyard and picnics at the park, bike rides, road trips, vacations with family, and we still have another month left.  :)  I'm also SO thankful for the cooler summer this year... last weekend we were in sweatshirts sitting on our deck!  Gorgeous.

Jaxon's dismissal of trains and his obsession with legos and Batman, especially if the two of those things are combined!  I've found myself encouraging him to play with his trains again... I never thought I'd miss the sound of Thomas the blue engine, but surprisingly enough, I do.  Sweet boy.

The way I continue to feel when I see old pictures of myself, even from a year ago after I had already made some progress!  I've been pretty faithful and consistent, still going to the gym 2-4 times a week, and am overall just thankful for the gift of health and my new lifestyle.

My deep deep deep love for my husband, and how our relationship has only grown through this trial and dry season of our lives.  In the last few years, he has really stepped into this role of "protector" for me.  I have seen the way he way he defends me and continues to put his family first and I really couldn't be more grateful for him... now, to do a better job of showing it.  :)

I'm ready to jump back into blogging, holding nothing back.  I'm sure I've lost a few friends along the way, but here I go again.

I love looking back through the archives of this "online diary", and don't want to lose my chance at continuing to fill the folders with memories.  Life continues to blow by me at crazy speeds, and if I'm not careful, I'm going to miss it.

How quickly things can change.

It's been 2 months since our offer got accepted on Raintree Dr.

2 months spent dreaming about the boys growing up there.
2 months spent thinking about the fun parties we'd have in the beautiful back yard.
2 months spent decorating in my head, making plans, and selling our current furniture to buy different stuff.
2 months looking forward to not being renters anymore.

I started getting nervous a couple weeks ago when our lender starting asking more and more questions about our first home, that we lost to a short sale.  They wanted statements written, documentation of different events, and more and more paperwork to sign and return.  I started wondering why they didn't ask these questions during our pre-approval, instead of now, just weeks before closing.

Turns out my suspicions were right, when Friday afternoon the lender called with a teary voice and told us that our financing was no longer available without coming up with an additional $11,000.  She had taken our case to the National Board of Underwriting, and they agreed to let us buy, only if we could provide the additional funds.

You know how this ends, don't you?  We obviously don't have an extra $11,000 to put down (on top of what we were already planning on spending), so we are no longer buying this house that we thought was ours for over 2 months.

I cried.  I sobbed.  I lost my breath crying so hard.  Every time I picked up my phone and had to explain the situation to another person, I lived through the emotional roller coaster again. We already had the utilities scheduled to be shut off, had already given our notice at our rental (that is now for sale), and really had the countdown started for how many more days we had to accept those living conditions.  Mold and mud on the floor, water that did not run outside, and the list continues.  We couldn't wait to move out and have a place to call our own... and suddenly everything we thought was happening had spun out of control.

The next couple days were spent crying some more.  Luckily, we were in Iowa at the time, so we spent this time out on the river canoeing which was SO good and healing for me.  Tyler continued to hide my phone because all it did was upset me.  Disconnecting from reality was helpful.

Sunday morning, Tyler's family all gathered in the living room for live church via the internet, and of course, tears streamed down my face through the majority of it.  A sermon on trusting and faith... two things I had nearly lost at this point.  Why the Lord allowed us to get SO FAR into this house buying experience (2 weeks from moving), only to learn we won't be able to buy for another 1-2 years is something we may never understand, but faith is believing that The Lord is going to do what he says he's going to do... so obviously my faith is being tested.

At this point, it had been almost 48 hours since we got the news, and I was still so upset.  My eyes were bloodshot and nearly swollen shut, and suddenly as Tyler wrapped his big loving arms around me, I really started to question and wonder what the REAL reason I was so upset was.  Yeah, it's a house that we loved and dreamed about and called our own, but what was really going on?

Realizing that I was searching for happiness IN a house has been healing for me.  Realizing that deep down I am searching for many things... deep friendship, a sense of community, happiness... and temporarily finding it in a house was the real reason for my broken heart.  I love to decorate, paint, and the idea of turning this place into our home was so exciting for me.  I really had something to look forward to, and this was something that had distracted me from this "searching" that I am doing.

Maybe The Lord was protecting me from the disappointment I would have felt after moving in and still being unhappy deep down.  Maybe The Lord is protecting us from a job loss.  Maybe He has bigger and better plans for us, which a house could have stopped us from chasing after.

We don't know the reason.  There's a possibility that we won't ever know the reason.  But Faith?  It's believing that The Lord is going to do what he says he's going to do.

He has promised to supply every need we have. (Philippians 4:19)
He has also promised that all things work together for good to those who love and serve Him faithfully.  (Romans 8:28)

So, we wait.  We anticipate the good things The Lord has in store for us.  We look forward to Him fulfilling his promises to us.

And I would appreciate your prayers as I search for contentment in HIM and HIM ALONE.  And for peace.  Staying in our rental has not been easy for me, but I trust there's a reason for it and hope to find peace in this temporary solution.

I know what I’m doing. I have it all planned out—

plans to take care of you, not abandon you, 

plans to give you the future you hope for.

Jeremiah 29:11 (MSG)