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(image via meg)

One of those quotes that makes me uncomfortable even reading it, yes?

We are still living in our rental and there's multiple times a week that I convince myself that it won't be this way for much longer, and something big (and hopefully "better") is about to happen.

But then I read a quote like this and wonder if my character, my attitude, the things that are important to me are what is changing, instead of our situation.  Maybe we WILL be in this rental, living paycheck to paycheck, for much much much longer.  Maybe my heart and priorities are being transformed "in the bad", before we can move on to "the good".

Because of our limited budget and the highhhh price of Johnson County, our options to move are...impossible...limited.  The one time we went to look at another place, we came home and thanked the good Lord for this big beautiful super spacious bright rental that we currently have... ha...haaa...haaaa.  (but really!)

I will tell you, what's really stretching me the most about living here, is dealing with the showings.  I may not have even mentioned it here... when we gave our 30-day notice to our landlord that we were moving out, he put this place on the market.  Another one of those "whyyyyy did it happen this way" situations.  However, it is WAY overpriced, so it won't sell any time soon... but now we deal with showings multiple times a week.  And let's talk about how much fun it is to keep my house in "show ready" condition, and find places to go for hours at a time during showings, with 2 boys and a dog.  :)

We can't buy again until next June (10 months away), so the thought of moving now and signing a 12 month lease somewhere doesn't seem right.  However, because the house IS on the market, we may not have a choice if the right offer is made to our landlord.

A lot of days, I'm ok.  I trust that The Lord already has this entire situation worked out (for our good!) but I'd be lying to you if I said that some days, I don't feel suffocated with worry and trying to figure it all out on my own.  I'm ready for this "waiting period" to be over.

It's easy to praise when things are going our way... when we're living a comfortable life.
But in these moments of loneliness, worry, and questioning...
It's not as easy.
But if it's going to bring me closer to God... bring my heart closer in tune with His...
I'll go through it time and time again.

So, with much hesitation, I ask...
Bring me the uncomfortable, Lord.
(in small doses, please and thank you.)

Jumping back in.

There's so many things to say here.  So much to catch up on, that the thought of starting up again is almost suffocating.  Stepping back from blogging the past few months and reevaluating the reason behind this platform has been refreshing.

Realizing that more often than not, I was writing for others instead of myself has been eye opening.

And even more importantly, the Lord working on my heart in some deep and hard ways has been challenging.  Realizing that my life is like a fuel tank, and there's a reason we need to rest each night, and also a reason why we need to recharge at the beginning of the day has helped me become more aware of my constant need for the Lord.

Through all of this refining and waiting, I have been in some sort of a daze and all the while, my boys have truly grown up right before my eyes, while I was unaware of it.  Just in the last week or so, Cohen has clinged to his big brother in a way I haven't noticed before.  When he's scared, he reaches for Jaxon.  When he has a question, he asks his brother.  I was told at the gym that the two of them are inseparable and only play with each other.

While I'm so thankful for their friendship and relationship, part of me is already missing when I was their go-to, instead of each other.  Mama is feeling a little bit left out, I guess!

What are some other things that I want to remember?

How Cohen has morphed into a big boy so quickly... getting rid of his binky, potty training himself in 2 days (seriously!), riding and pedaling his big boy bike, and upgrading to a toddler bed and out of his crib.  The crib is still up, waiting to be filled... hint hint Mr. Keith :)

The 3 days Tyler and I spent child-free in Lake of the Ozarks... we celebrated 8 YEARS of marriage!  There are not enough words to thank my parents for watching our boys... it was truly refreshing!

The fun summer we've had despite all the sad... full of lots of time at the swimming pool, days in our backyard and picnics at the park, bike rides, road trips, vacations with family, and we still have another month left.  :)  I'm also SO thankful for the cooler summer this year... last weekend we were in sweatshirts sitting on our deck!  Gorgeous.

Jaxon's dismissal of trains and his obsession with legos and Batman, especially if the two of those things are combined!  I've found myself encouraging him to play with his trains again... I never thought I'd miss the sound of Thomas the blue engine, but surprisingly enough, I do.  Sweet boy.

The way I continue to feel when I see old pictures of myself, even from a year ago after I had already made some progress!  I've been pretty faithful and consistent, still going to the gym 2-4 times a week, and am overall just thankful for the gift of health and my new lifestyle.

My deep deep deep love for my husband, and how our relationship has only grown through this trial and dry season of our lives.  In the last few years, he has really stepped into this role of "protector" for me.  I have seen the way he way he defends me and continues to put his family first and I really couldn't be more grateful for him... now, to do a better job of showing it.  :)

I'm ready to jump back into blogging, holding nothing back.  I'm sure I've lost a few friends along the way, but here I go again.

I love looking back through the archives of this "online diary", and don't want to lose my chance at continuing to fill the folders with memories.  Life continues to blow by me at crazy speeds, and if I'm not careful, I'm going to miss it.

How quickly things can change.

It's been 2 months since our offer got accepted on Raintree Dr.

2 months spent dreaming about the boys growing up there.
2 months spent thinking about the fun parties we'd have in the beautiful back yard.
2 months spent decorating in my head, making plans, and selling our current furniture to buy different stuff.
2 months looking forward to not being renters anymore.

I started getting nervous a couple weeks ago when our lender starting asking more and more questions about our first home, that we lost to a short sale.  They wanted statements written, documentation of different events, and more and more paperwork to sign and return.  I started wondering why they didn't ask these questions during our pre-approval, instead of now, just weeks before closing.

Turns out my suspicions were right, when Friday afternoon the lender called with a teary voice and told us that our financing was no longer available without coming up with an additional $11,000.  She had taken our case to the National Board of Underwriting, and they agreed to let us buy, only if we could provide the additional funds.

You know how this ends, don't you?  We obviously don't have an extra $11,000 to put down (on top of what we were already planning on spending), so we are no longer buying this house that we thought was ours for over 2 months.

I cried.  I sobbed.  I lost my breath crying so hard.  Every time I picked up my phone and had to explain the situation to another person, I lived through the emotional roller coaster again. We already had the utilities scheduled to be shut off, had already given our notice at our rental (that is now for sale), and really had the countdown started for how many more days we had to accept those living conditions.  Mold and mud on the floor, water that did not run outside, and the list continues.  We couldn't wait to move out and have a place to call our own... and suddenly everything we thought was happening had spun out of control.

The next couple days were spent crying some more.  Luckily, we were in Iowa at the time, so we spent this time out on the river canoeing which was SO good and healing for me.  Tyler continued to hide my phone because all it did was upset me.  Disconnecting from reality was helpful.

Sunday morning, Tyler's family all gathered in the living room for live church via the internet, and of course, tears streamed down my face through the majority of it.  A sermon on trusting and faith... two things I had nearly lost at this point.  Why the Lord allowed us to get SO FAR into this house buying experience (2 weeks from moving), only to learn we won't be able to buy for another 1-2 years is something we may never understand, but faith is believing that The Lord is going to do what he says he's going to do... so obviously my faith is being tested.

At this point, it had been almost 48 hours since we got the news, and I was still so upset.  My eyes were bloodshot and nearly swollen shut, and suddenly as Tyler wrapped his big loving arms around me, I really started to question and wonder what the REAL reason I was so upset was.  Yeah, it's a house that we loved and dreamed about and called our own, but what was really going on?

Realizing that I was searching for happiness IN a house has been healing for me.  Realizing that deep down I am searching for many things... deep friendship, a sense of community, happiness... and temporarily finding it in a house was the real reason for my broken heart.  I love to decorate, paint, and the idea of turning this place into our home was so exciting for me.  I really had something to look forward to, and this was something that had distracted me from this "searching" that I am doing.

Maybe The Lord was protecting me from the disappointment I would have felt after moving in and still being unhappy deep down.  Maybe The Lord is protecting us from a job loss.  Maybe He has bigger and better plans for us, which a house could have stopped us from chasing after.

We don't know the reason.  There's a possibility that we won't ever know the reason.  But Faith?  It's believing that The Lord is going to do what he says he's going to do.

He has promised to supply every need we have. (Philippians 4:19)
He has also promised that all things work together for good to those who love and serve Him faithfully.  (Romans 8:28)

So, we wait.  We anticipate the good things The Lord has in store for us.  We look forward to Him fulfilling his promises to us.

And I would appreciate your prayers as I search for contentment in HIM and HIM ALONE.  And for peace.  Staying in our rental has not been easy for me, but I trust there's a reason for it and hope to find peace in this temporary solution.

I know what I’m doing. I have it all planned out—

plans to take care of you, not abandon you, 

plans to give you the future you hope for.

Jeremiah 29:11 (MSG)

Cohen - 2 1/2

April 29, 2013 means Cohen is now 2 1/2 years old which really makes my head spin!  So much has changed in the last 6 months for him... here's what he's up to now!

This is such a fun age, you guys.  Yes, we have our tantrums and there are times that I feel like I am walking on egg shells to avoid another one, but the way his eyes light up when he understands something and the interactions between him and Jaxon are so sweet to outweigh the bad.

This boy is pretty obsessed with Buzz Lightyear, balls (throwing them at his brother is a definitely favorite), pa-pa-toos (tattoos), and could quite possibly be one of the messiest boys on the planet.  I laughed when I was taking these pictures last night... sure, I could have changed him into something a little cleaner and put together, but this is him.  A DIRTY boy, complete with pa-pa-toos on his hand.

He is learning his colors and numbers, pretty much copying everything that comes out of his brothers mouth, and loves to dance.  He is a super active child, always running or jumping or pushing or kicking.  Disciplining him is hard because there's not much that bothers him.  He laughs at spankings, couldn't care less about timeouts, and hardly blinks when we take toys away.  He's going to be tough, for sure.

His talking continues to improve on a daily basis, I have officially lost count of all of the words he uses because there's not much that I can't understand.  He still continues to call Jaxon "Hi" but occasionally will call him by his actual name, only if it's his idea!  My favorite thing to hear him say is "Wuv you more!"  He is so sweet.

Things Cohen loves:
- Being rocked to sleep
- His blankie and Mr. Monkey
- Annoying his older brother
- Toy Story / Buzz Lightyear
- Being outdoors
- "Dance party!!"
- Having a drink in hand at all times
- Sunshine song.  Jesus song.  :)
- Food. All food.

Things Cohen hates:
- Being dropped off at Church Nursery
- Being "left behind" if Jaxon goes bye-bye somewhere
- Dirty diapers (yes, potty training coming soon...ugh)
- Sitting still / sitting quiet

Obviously one of the most amazing things to see is the relationship between Cohen and Jaxon continue to grow.  The first time I ever heard Cohen say his name was when he said "Jaxon...Cohen...best fwiends!" ...And they really are.  Of course they fight more often than they get along at this age, but so much of that is because Cohen LOVES to initiate and annoy his older OCD brother.  Even when he knows what he is saying is not true, he will continue to say it over and over again, just to get that reaction out of Jaxon.  It's kind of hilarious, but obviously gets frustrating at times as well.  They are inseparable most days, I can't imagine life any other way.

Little guy, there are not enough words to describe how much you mean to Daddy and I.  We treasure everything about you!  Happy 2.5 buddy!

OUR house!

Perfect timing, following my recent whiney post, huh?  :)

Yesterday we found out that the seller accepted our offer on the perfect, perfect, home for us.

Would you believe me if I told you it met all of my "wants" and "must-haves"?

An open floor plan for entertaining
A fenced backyard
4 bedrooms (I was SO picky about this one... I want my guests comfortable!)
2 separate living areas ... a "family room" versus the more formal living room
Great school district
Good location... far far far from interstate traffic!

Yes, we were picky... and it paid off.  I could cry writing this!  I am so excited to be a homeowner again!

We won't have possession until the end of June, unless the seller finds a new home for themselves quicker than they expect, but I am totally ok with that!  I will wait as long as needed for this place.  800 feet from the walking/bike trails, a couple blocks from the elementary school, and within walking distance to a pool and park.

Yesterday was just one of those days that as it came to a close, I couldn't stop reflecting on.  For family that came last night to celebrate with us (and brought cake pops and lasagna!), for laughter, for the memories that we'll create there, and for The Lord's BIG dreams for us that are far better than I could imagine.

Thank you, Jesus, for your incredible blessings on our lives.  I am so thankful.

Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts... and be thankful.

Colossians 3:15