The binky... and babies.

Sunday morning at 4am, Tyler and I were both awake roaming the entire house looking for a binky for our screaming 2 year old.  Extremely frustrated by the time we finally found one, we decided in that very moment that Cohen was no longer getting a binky.

Nap time rolled around, and per his usual routine, little guy asked for his "bee-bee".  I know there's a lot of ways out there to get your child off of his pacifier, but for both of my boys, I simply just told them the binky was gone.  I explained he was a big boy now, and there were no more binky's... after a little bit of protest, he asked me to rock him to sleep and I gladly obliged.

I'd be lying to you if I said I didn't cry as he fell asleep in my arms, without a pacifier.  27 months have flown by in the blink of an eye and I can't believe my youngest child has outgrown another significant "baby" item.

I was already having an emotional day, but the reality of not having any more babies in the house that need a pacifier really started to set in.  I'm fairly confident I might even feel the same way after we begin potty training and I change the last diaper.

And since we're on the subject and I now feel like there's an elephant in the room, let's chat.

When I was pregnant with Jaxon, I wanted a girl.  When I was pregnant with Cohen, I wanted a girl.  The Lord has a sense of humor giving me two boys.

I feel silly even giving this disclaimer, but I can see how some people would read into this the wrong way, so I'll say it anyway.  Of course I wouldn't trade my two boys for girls, of course I love my two boys with all of my heart, and at this point I wouldn't have it any other way.

But, undeniably so, I still want a girl.  Not for the bows and polka dots and cute outfits, but for the adult Mom & Daughter relationship.  The one that I have with my Mom, where we chat multiple times a week on the phone and she's the first person I call when I have something exciting or sad to share.  I want that relationship with a daughter.  I don't always want to be the Mom-in-law, and I don't want to be the mother of the groom and never the mother of the bride... I want that wedding dress shopping, daughter having babies and calling me for advice kind-of relationship.

However, at this point, my husband is not on the same page.  Deep down, I'd like to think that if money wasn't an issue, he'd be much more open to having more kids.  But the reality is, money IS an issue, babies are A LOT of work, kids are expensive, and chances are we'd end up with another boy.  :)

We have had multiple conversations about it recently, because even if I were to get pregnant TODAY, the baby and Cohen would be 3 years apart.  And then you have to wonder if our third child would feel left out, since Jaxon and Cohen are so close in age.  And we're not having 4 kids.

So many things to take into consideration, but as of right now, my husband is done and I am not.  We end each of our baby conversations with "let's continue to pray about it", fully believing the Lord will change one of our hearts.

Either I will find complete peace in our family of four, boy mom status, or the mud will be removed from Tyler's eyes to see the light and he'll change his mind.  Ha!

In all reality, I can see myself living a perfectly happy life with the family we have now.  Most days, I am seriously content with my sweet little family.  I will continue to trust the Lord for healthy and deep relationships with my boys, and if I can be honest with you, the thought of being outnumbered scares me quite a bit.

There's still so much to be decided, and I find complete comfort knowing I don't have to have it all figured out... as much as I'd like to.  :)

Oh yes, you shaped me first inside, then out;

    you formed me in my mother’s womb.

I thank you, High God—you’re breathtaking!

    Body and soul, I am marvelously made!

    I worship in adoration—what a creation!

You know me inside and out,

    you know every bone in my body;

You know exactly how I was made, bit by bit,

    how I was sculpted from nothing into something.

Like an open book, you watched me grow from conception to birth;

    all the stages of my life were spread out before you,

The days of my life all prepared

    before I’d even lived one day.

Psalm 139:16 (msg)