I feel like I got handed the short stick with the body I've been given.
You're probably rolling your eyes by now, or thinking "oh brother, here we go again".... but it's true. It's really how I feel.
As much as I know deep down that God loves us EQUAL and the same, I can't help but wish He would have made us look that way. You know, all different on the inside, but with the same body type. (I also wish you could hear my semi-sarcasm as I type that...)
And as much as I know deep down that everyone has insecurities and things they don't like about themselves, I can't help but wish mine were less obvious.
About the many ways I hate my body. How I work out...HARD...6 days out of the week and am soaked from head to toe afterwards. How I push myself when I so desperately want to quit. How I do not consume more than 1200 calories a day. How I watch every thing that goes into my body and track it. How it's all I can think about some days... and how unfair it is that there's actually some people that don't have to worry about this.
The worst part about it is, I actually hid my feelings of insecurity and shame better when I wasn't working out and trying so hard. Because then, I at least knew why I was overweight. I understood it was because I was making unhealthy choices, and knew my body and my tight clothes were a product of those decisions. But now... now, when I'm working HARD... when it consumes me... when I track every bite I take? Now is when I should see some payoff. Now is when I should be feeling success. But I'm not... the scale remains in the same place it did 2 weeks ago.
I feel defeated.
I watch commercials while I'm at the gym advertising weight loss pills. Weight loss meals. Weight loss bands. It feels especially hard when people all around me are doing these things (the cheater way) and finding temporary success. But yet... they are the ones losing while I stay the same.
And as much defeat as I feel, I have to remind myself that this is a lifestyle change. Theirs is a temporary and expensive loss. Mine is hard, really hard, and a lot of times I hate it... but it's the right way.
Maybe it's something with my body... maybe it's something that I need to have checked out... maybe I'm just plateauing.
Maybe the Lord is teaching me perseverance.
And that is why I will continue on.
As much as I want to quit, as much as I want to pretend to not care, as much as I want to give up...
I will press on toward the goal.
I know I need to surrender these feelings to the foot of the cross. I know I have to learn to see the beauty in myself, and not in the numbers on the scale. I know I have to walk in the confidence God has given me, of the person He's made me to be.
And while, deep down, I know these things... I too often find myself forgetting.
So let’s not get tired of doing what is good. At just the right time we will reap a harvest of blessing if we don’t give up.
Galations 6:9
<3 I wish I had the right words, but I don't. Just know I'm praying for you and I think you are beautiful, both inside and out.
ReplyDeleteMegan,
ReplyDeleteI have been struggling with the same thing lately and have even considered trying to take the easy way out. It's so easy to want instant gratification (i have a wedding in 3 months, talk about pressure, but all I want to do is eat!) when for some its so easy. Reading about tpyr perseverance has been wonderful support and motivation. It will pay off. And you are helping others as well. Thanks!
Heather Feist
I am a lurker on your blog but feel compelled to comment today :) I too have struggled with weight my whole adult life (basically since age 18) and am now 34 and am finally seeing results from exercise. The only, only thing I am doing differently is lifting weights at the gym 2x per week. Suddenly there is definition where there was once jello-arms and thighs :) I have worked out my whole life and this is the only time I have seen physical changes (and quickly too). Just thought I'd share. I had always heard that you should combine weights with cardio but never gave it a shot until now. I am around 165 pounds now (my highest was 220) and am even 20 weeks pregnant and have not gained weight in my pregnancy. I should mention that my pounds were lost in a different manner (cancer treatment, believe it or not) but maintaining the loss has been a difficulty itself. About six months ago I was 178 so I have managed to lose 13 pounds with cardio and weights. Very little has changed in my eating habits. Anyway, hope this is an encouragement to you. Not sure if you've been lifting weights all along so feel free to toss out my comments altogether!
ReplyDeleteMegan, I totally understand. I've got a similar body type I think...we're large framed people to begin with, and I just HAVE to exercise big time and eat well to maintain. Not even to lose weight, but just to maintain. Justin? Can literally eat whatever he wants, and doesn't gain a pound. And if he does, he could throw a baseball around for an hour and be back to his normal weight (maybe a slight exaggeration, but not by much). I struggled with this BIG TIME after having Lizzy, and I'm worried that I will again this next time around.
ReplyDeleteI felt like I did the 30 Day Shred faithfully, nothing. Ate well, nothing. Did Couch to 5K. Nothing. The only thing that seemed to make any difference for me at all was Insanity. Which sucks, because it is EXPENSIVE. And long. And not fun. Lol.
PS- I still vote that you might try bumping your calories up slightly on the days you work out. Check this article out: http://www.livestrong.com/article/430139-is-it-safe-to-eat-1-200-calories-a-day-burn-off-300-exercising/
I would also implore you to remember that body types/weight are heavily influenced by an ideal body type that is (unless it's your flippin' job) unattainable. Everytime I get all weepy when looking at fitness pins on Pinterest (my weakness!) I start to realize after a while that the "fitness industrial complex" is created and maintained to make women (especially, but men too) to feel as though you've never quite reached your goal (thus keeping you paying for a gym membership, diet food/support, Lulu Lemon gear, etc., etc.).
ReplyDeleteI'm finding it much easier to focus on feeling good, feeling energetic and feeling happy. Even if that means not being as thin/toned/perky as I'm being told to be.
Hope you find your happy place :-)
Just remember, you aren't just losing weight here. You're changing.your.lifestyle.
ReplyDeleteYou're learning how to treat your body with respect.
You're training yourself to make better decisions.
You're being the best you can be. For yourself and for your family!
I love you! Push through this Sister. You're amazing!
I'm not going to tell you that I understand. I'm not going to tell you that you're beautiful. I'm just going to tell you to keep going. God is teaching you something big here. I can feel it.
ReplyDeleteAlso, any time I don't want to do something and it's something responsible that I need to do? I just think of my boys and I tell myself I'm doing it for them.
I feel defeated also. Just wanted to let you know you are not alone. I just need to push through it too:)
ReplyDeleteI don't comment much, but I just have to say I think you're doing awesome and I think you are looking great! I'm totally inspired every time I read your blog and I need to quit making excuses for myself and get to work like you are :) Chin up you're doing a great job!
ReplyDeleteYou are an inspiration and you are most certainly not alone! Not only is God cheering you on, but you have many that are right in the same place as you. Thank you for sharing your honest, hard struggle. I am right there with you, sister! And I am cheering you on!!! Keep going, don't give up...just like you said! (:
ReplyDeleteAlso, maybe check with a nutritionist or dietitian (are those the same thing?) about calories/types of foods, like a few others suggested above. Maybe that could give you another boost in the number loss thing.
You are LOVED!!
It looks like everyone pretty much covered it, but for real, you are soooo not the only person who deals with this [um, me too!]. And like everyone said... LIFE. STYLE. CHANGE. You are making good choices for your body - the only body you have. Even if they don't pay off right now, you are forming habits, really important habits, that will pay off. Sooooo worth it. Besides alllll of that, you are a beautiful, capable, grown ass woman. Sometimes you just need to hear that. I try to tell myself every morning. :)
ReplyDeleteDon't give up! You can do this! You don't know what's going on in your body, but you do know that you're making the right choices. P.S. I think I've asked this before, but have you read Made to Crave by Lysa Terkhurst? If not, I would love to send it to you. It really encouraged me. I'm also loving Beth Moore's So Long Insecurity. Very encouraging when I feel at war with my insecurities.
ReplyDeleteI'm praying for this journey, this season. Trust me when I say, I understand the struggle. I have PCOS and it feels impossible to get the scale to move even a teensy bit. You are not alone!
I agree that you shouldn't give up! It takes a lot of courage to be able to step out and share how you are feeling and what you are trying to do. On the other hand, I would recommend changing your strategy. I am not a believer in food diets as I know those diets only last for a short time before its easy to gain the weight back. Changing your diet to a healthy one will be what shapes you and your weight-loss. A trained professional should be consulted when figuring out what works for you. Everybody's body is different and will react to different foods differently. Going on a low calorie diet does nothing but set you up for failure. On top of figuring out the right diet, I would have to say make sure you are doing the right exercises. If you are trying to tone a certain area or areas, then you do exercise to shape those. Being fit is a lifestyle not a come and go as you please system. Those never work. Keep up the good work, but I would tell you to consult someone who knows how to deal with your situation and can construct a program that works for you.
ReplyDeleteI would recommend checking your calorie intake. Your body isn't getting enough of the "right" calories most likely at that low of a number. It isn't about how many calories you intake necessarily, but make sure they are the right ones. I agree with the previous comment in that is should be a lifestyle not a short term deal. Keep up the good work. Stay positive, it will come.
ReplyDelete