But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control.
Galations 5:22-23
If you've been around Jaxon on a rough day, you know this child is a screamer. He has a set of lungs like I've never heard.
The scariest part? He's just like Mommy.
I say this with no disrespect to my family, but we are yellers. Not necessarily something to be proud of, but it's the truth. We're loud. We can go from zero to 100 in a few seconds flat, not even thinking twice about it. It took me a long time to even recognize this, but the Lord began to convict me of it within the last couple years, which made me want to change for my boys. I don't want them to grow up in a house where they are yelled at by their Mom. This is daily battle for me. I want to be better at extending grace, practicing patience... someday, I want someone to describe me as "gentle", which is almost laughable at this point. Every morning as I have my quiet time I pray for these attributes, and while I can definitely see improvements from 2 years ago, I say with honesty that I still have my moments.
So now I'm here, asking for your help. I need some suggestions on how to break Jaxon of this habit of yelling. Just like I used to, he goes from 0 to 100 in seconds. He gets so angry that his veins on his neck look like they might pop. I want to try and help him learn to control his temper at a young age, so that he doesn't have to worry about this as an adult. I want him to be gentle, to be kind, to be patient. The same things I work on daily, I want to help him with as well.
But, I'm at a complete loss in what to do. As soon as he starts getting mad and I can tell he's on the verge of losing it, I try and catch it and tell him gently that he needs to calm down. If he doesn't listen and loses his temper, then we usually try time out... which is a joke, because he screams the entire time, defeating the purpose. We've sent him to his room to calm down, we've taken away trains and monkey jammies (ahh, the horror)... I feel like none of these work, because his reaction to being disciplined is yelling, screaming, throwing, and kicking... again, defeating the purpose.
I can't help but feel like I've completely failed some days. I can see that this is a learned behavior and for too long he saw the wrong side of me. Now I feel like I'm trying to back-track, when maybe I could have prevented it from the beginning if I would have been more self aware. Ugh, parenting is so hard and so often I feel unequipped.
If you have any thoughts or ideas, please pass them my way. I'm pretty desperate to change this, but have no idea how.
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He just needs Aunt Kallie time :)
ReplyDeleteI'll be praying for you sister, you're the best Mom to those boys and you're doing a great job.
I love you!
Thanks Sister... some days I need that reminder that even though it doesn't feel like it, I AM the best Mom for Jaxon and Cohen. He created ME to be their Mom, and no one else can do it like I can. I love you, please come to my house tonight. :)
DeleteWe're in a similar place with Sawyer. Man, that boys has a temper. Throws himself on the floor and screams over the smallest things or for no reason at all. He's been our feistiest boy so far for sure! I'm not sure I have any good ideas since my almost 2 year old is in the same season. But, hang in there. Be consistent with correcting the wrong responses...we've been doing a lot of hand smacking here. And then we've also been trying to have him clasp his hands together when he gets frustrated too as a way to calm down. I think so much of it is that Sawyer is not very verbal so his screams are a way to express himself. Hang in there and try to respond in the opposite spirit (which I often do not do!). I keep telling myself...it's not like he'll be 15 and still throwing himself on the floor over not getting to play with the cleaners. HA!!
ReplyDeleteTo correct a behavior, it must be replaced with something else. Quitting one habit usually means starting another, hopefully better, habit. Give him words for his emotions. He's yelling because its the only way he knows to express himself. Talk about it while he is calm. Give him some ideas of what to do when he starts feeling like yelling, and then remind him before the yelling starts. "I can see you are getting upset/angry/etc. about this. Its okay to be upset, but you may not scream. You can......" Tell/show him how to appropriately express his emotions.
ReplyDeleteI recently heard of one family who gave the child a snow globe. When the child started getting angry, the child would go sit and shake the snow globe and had to stay there until the snow had all settled. (You can make one with water/glitter in a bottle glued closed) I use the phrase, "I can see you are upset, please use your words to tell me how you feel."
I could have written this post. I'm a yeller too, as is my entire family. Like you, I don't want Isaac growing up with that and it is a daily, even hourly battle for me. So far, Isaac hasn't shown his anger in this way. Instead, he throws things. And I have the same struggle...how do I teach him to handle his anger in a gentle way?
ReplyDeleteI want to make sure Isaac knows that anger is ok. No way do I want him growing up thinking the only acceptable emotion is happy. BUT, there are good and bad ways of handling every emotion so I want to teach him how to positively handle whatever he's feeling. I try a variety of things, but I feel like none really stick because it's almost like he's too young to "get it". I don't know, maybe I'm underestimating him.
Anyway, a few things I do - give him a pillow to punch, give him a soft ball or doll to throw in a safe place, sometimes I try to make it a game and we stomp our anger out, ask him if he wants to cuddle or sit in my lap to help him calm down (he does NOT like this...he doesn't want to be touched when he is mad). One thing I haven't tried is room time or cozy corner time. Basically, creating a safe place where he can go to calm down on his own time. It's not a time out - there is no specific time limit - he just goes when he's feeling upset and comes out when he feels like he has a handle on his emotions. When Isaac is a little older, I think this one will be beneficial for us because he seems to need his space when he's angry, but at this point, I worry he's too young to just be left alone like that.
You are not alone, Megan!! I totally get it and am battling the same thing. <3
Isaac's so similar. It's ridiculous how he can have a simple time out for something, but then get's a spanking for his reaction and a further time out in his room for the reaction to that! ps :: no change if we skip the spanking, so it's not that.
ReplyDeleteWe don't let him out of his room until he stops screaming and has calmed down enough to NICELY apologize.
You are doing a great job, Megan! Here is what we do with Nathan, though his tantrums are a little different. He doesn't get angry and yell, he'll just throw himself on the floor crying and upset. We tell him that it's fine that he's upset but that he needs to throw his fit in his room because we don't want to hear it. This works for him because he's doing it for the attention and we are also validating his feelings and telling him that it's ok to be upset. Like I said, this currently works, but as you know with children, it might not work forever. :-) Hope that helps!
ReplyDeleteI agree with Kallie - you are the best mom for those boys! Both an awesome and overwhelming fact.
ReplyDeleteI too do like Betsy when Jade throws a fit - I tell her in the most even voice possible that if she needs to throw a fit she can do so in her room and when she is done she can come out. Because I agree with all of you that anger is an ok emotion - we are just charged with teaching our children how to channel it. Jade is very strong willed and started fits early - when she was younger, I would hold her until she was done quietly and calmly counting to 10 or more to teach her how to calm herself - now if I start to count like that when she is worked up she tells me to stop.
I understand the yelling - I am a yeller too but it takes more. However, with all the holiday stress, extended family stress, and traveling I am exhausted and have found myself yelling more. What I have noticed helps both my attitude and the kids behavior is especially on those rough days make sure I praise them extra when they are doing well and dealing with circumstances etc well because this teaches them what behavior I want to see - this is something my one sister-in-law is amazing at and boy does it change my attitude in a hurry!
You are an amazing mom - keeping seeking and He will keep providing...such an amazing truth I am learning more and more each day!
Oh Megan. Jaxon so sounds much like my first born. I have a hunch that God designs each of our children to help us along in our sanctification. Whew!
ReplyDeleteIt may not be so helpful but really, keep doing what you're doing. Don't give up. Like you, I often put him on his bed during these episodes(even if he was losing it) and repeated as calmly and quietly as I could and he could hear me things like, "I love you but you may not do this." "You may talk to Mommy but you may not scream at me." Repeat.
Often I would leave and come back every 2 minutes and say things like, "Would you like mommy to hold you? Would you like something to eat? Drink? Book?" etc. If he answered positively then I said, "Okay, but you must stop crying". Sometimes the whole process would take a whole hour! Then repeat this whole process 2 or 3 times a day! Parenting is definitely a marathon.
Keeping his tummy full, strict nap and bedtimes and not overstimulating him were also keys but really TIME and CONSISTENCY. Lots of fresh air too. He NEEDED to get outside to burn off that energy! We also talked ALOT when he wasn't in the midst of a tantrum. We prayed alot together and I apologized alot. So much so that even this morning he prayed for me that I would have patience! So thankful for his prayers! (:
Looking back I would have tried some kind of reward system as well.
Today Kaleb is a fantastic, well-balanced kid. Just this week his teachers were praising him for how hardworking and well-behaved he is. Praise God! It certainly hasn't my great parenting. Maybe that's the point of it all anyway. God is going to do something great with our sons and we can just sit back, shake our heads and give Him all the glory.
Don't lose heart Megan! Gal. 6:9 Debbie
A couple of super helpful things my sister, a play therapist taught me:
ReplyDelete- When I am stressed and vocal, my kids will be too. So sometimes that means I need a "mommy- time out" to make sure I remain calm. My favorite spot for this is the toilet :)
- Its always easier to catch the tantrum before it begins. Once, the tantrum is in full swing it is really difficult (especially for the little guys) to calm down...as I'm sure you can attest to. So she suggested when you see it coming do two things:
1) Ask a reasoning, yes or no question. For instance, do you like Thomas the train or Barney better? Do you like red or blue? It engages the reasoning part of their brain, as opposed to the emotional side. Nine times out of ten this works, even with the little ones.
2) Breathing deeply. This, I feel like, works a little better with older kids (like 3 and above.) Breathing deeply, in and out, forces more oxygen to their brains which will help with self control and calming down.
Lastly, I know for us, time outs never worked because Malone would just scream the whole time and then get even more upset. My sister suggested one day that we do not start the timer until Malone was quiet. So as long as she's screaming, the timer has not begun yet. At first it took us a LONG time, but soon, we got there and now when we do time outs, she knows she has to calm down before we can even begin.
Take heart, you are teaching and training them! But the fact that you are even self-aware of many of these issues means you're on the right track!
I read this article once about a dad that was a yeller- so instead of yelling he purposely whispered at his kids when he was mad...so one day he took them golfing, and was whispering directions to them: trying not to distract the other golfers...and his kids said "Dad!! Why are you so mad!?" They couldn't figure out why he was mad at them:) Take a deep breath Miss Megan!! Jaxon is just now to the age where he knows what he wants and that he wants it- he'll stop getting so upset so quickly when his vocabulary catches up to his brain:) In the meantime- just be consistent. And use every mom's favorite line "use your words, use your words";)
ReplyDeleteSo sorry this is so hard! I don't have any experience with this, but one idea I had was one of those "calm down jars" (made of plastic, not glass). Here's a link where some people talk about it: http://blogs.babycenter.com/life_and_home/how-to-make-a-calm-down-jar/
ReplyDeleteBut I don't know if it might work better with slightly older kids...I don't know!
When I was working with foster kids, we always used to recommend that when kids got angry, that the foster parents put the kid in their room and just let them scream it out, telling them that they could talk once they used a calm voice. In that case, we used to also recommend that the foster parents sit or stand outside the room and not engage, but put their hand or foot in the doorway so that the kids could see that they hadn't been abandoned. I find that's helpful sometimes even with Lizzy--when she can see me, but not engage with me when she's throwing a temper tantrum.
ReplyDeleteAlso, Justin's mom told me that the book "Parenting the Spirited Child" really helped her when it came to disciplining Justin...though he still tends to blow up and go from 0-100 pretty easily!