Shells.

We have been studying the "Nooma" series from Rob Bell during this summer in our small group. If I can be honest for a minute, a lot of Rob Bell's stuff is way outside of the box and sometimes makes it hard for me to comprehend. Call me dense or stupid but a lot of times I just don't get it. But this past week we watched one Nooma video called "Shells" -- and let me just say, it rocked my world.

I find myself running and running from here to there, and watching life just pass me by. I am involved and participate in so many things, but yet I wonder what my life is all about. I find it hard to say no. I feel obligated. Rob Bell says "Maybe saying no would be easier to do, if we really understood what it meant to say yes." We were reminded that good is often the enemy of the best. He talked about how sometimes we unintentionally focus so much on something that is "good" that we are ultimately missing out on what's "best". For example: one person said that by focusing so much on building relationships with friends that he misses out on being at home and connecting with his family. One person said that by worrying so much about making worship and the experience 'perfect' on Sunday mornings that he misses the ultimate point and goal of it all, glorifying God. He even gave the example of how Jesus was spending time with his disciples, and someone came to say that there was a crowd of people waiting to see him. Instead of ditching his disciples to see the crowd, He said "Come, let us go to a quiet place." Either situation He chose would have been a good one, but His priority was spending time with His disciples. Even though your intentions are good, and what you're doing may be good, you spend so much time and energy focusing on this one thing, that you miss so much more. We run from here to there, from this appointment to the next "to-do" on our list, but what are we really doing with our time?

Rob Bell also gives this incredible, incredible analogy. He talks about how his family was at the beach one day, and they looked out on the ocean and saw a starfish floating on the water. His son started running as fast as he could towards it, while his family was yelling "Get it! Go get it!" His son got so close to it, then hesitated, stopped, and turned around. Once he got back to the beach, he stopped, turned around, and ran towards it once again while his family screamed "Yeahh! Go get it!!" Again, he got close to it, hesitated, stopped, and turned around. He came back on the beach and Rob asked him, "What's wrong? Why didn't you pick it up?" To which he answered, "because I didn't want to drop my shells." In his hands, he had handfuls of shells. He didn't want to give up what was most important to him, just because of something else that came along.

We started talking about what our lives are really about... what are we not willing to give up? What are we passionate about? What are we here on this earth to do? If you know me, you know that I have always struggled with this question. Even back in high school trying to figure out what I really wanted to do with my life was always hanging over my head. I may have appeared to have it all figured out, but I didn't. I went with what I was passionate about. I studied music -- I traveled and lived in the beautiful state of Colorado to further my music skills and knowledge. I am passionate about worship. I love the details behind it all, the talent involved, and the reason behind it. But something has always been missing for me, and to this day I can't really put my finger on it. Maybe it's my insecurities wondering if I'm really even good enough to be in that career. Maybe it's my lack of really finishing my education that makes me hesitant. Either way, obviously I haven't pursued it like I should -- I say "obviously" because I have worked for this bank for almost 3 years now. What started out as a way to help pay the bills in Palm Springs has turned into my pathetic career that I contemplate walking out of each day.

Then it hit me. I wonder if my purpose and what I'm all about is my family. {I'm talking about MY family, meaning my husband and my son.} I wonder if my purpose in life is to care for them, to encourage them, to provide for them. And I think it is. I think, for this time in my life, my passion is spending time with my son. Seeing him develop... watching him grow. Nurturing and caring for him like no one else can. Taking care of my husband and guarding our relationship. Providing them with a safe and welcoming home and environment where they will forever feel comfortable. I want to be a Mom -- a stay at home Mom. Not a working Mom that gets to spend 3 hours with her family each day before it's bedtime. Maybe this would change later on down the road once Jaxon starts school, maybe at that point I would be able to go back to school or pursue working again, maybe even at a church. But maybe not. Maybe what I'm here for is to be home and guard and protect and encourage and love on my family. I don't care to be successful at a job. I don't care if I have been told that I'm one of the best supervisors in our entire company. I don't care. And I don't think there's any shame in that.

If I could have the best of both worlds, I would stay at home and work part-time on weekends at a church serving in music ministry. Right now I am volunteering and I play keys and sing on worship team, and it has been an incredible blessing to me. I am so thankful for our church and for our small group -- it has been a life changing and growing season for both Tyler and I, and for that, I am extremely thankful.

Now that I can identify what I'm here for, I know what to start working towards. I can set a goal, and hopefully soon will accomplish it. Try to figure out what we can cut, and what sacrifices we're able to make in order to see it happen. God has given me the most incredible life partner -- my husband. He supports me in this and knows how badly and deeply I want this, and I know is trying to make this happen as bad as I am.

What about you? Just like the little boy at the beach, what are you so passionate about in your life that you'll never drop, even if something better comes along?