Nursing and pumping is hard. It takes up so much of my time while I'm at work, and it's hard to not sit and think solely about what I'm missing while doing so. On the other hand, I love and cherish those quiet, bonding moments I experience with him later in the day... it makes it worth my time. I am not ready to quit yet, although I may not make it to a year like I originally planned solely because I have way too much already, and it's going to waste if we don't use it.
I question everything... (is that normal? oh crap, another question.)
I wonder if he think I'm boring. Do I talk to him enough? Maybe the reason he doesn't talk very much is because I don't talk to him enough. Am I reading to him enough and does this book stimulate his brain like it should? Does he feel safe at home? Does he know I'm his mom? Can he tell me apart from his babysitter? Is it bad that he watches TV? Maybe I should go on a walk with him so he won't think I'm boring. What kind of toys would be better for him? Is he too hot, too cold? I wonder if I feed him too much. Why won't he make eye contact with me? Would he even notice if I stop nursing? Is he developing properly? I wonder if he'd like this toy. Are the prayers that I pray for him the right things to pray for?
That is just what ran through my mind in about 30 seconds... so you can imagine what goes through my mind in a matter of the day.
Something that comes out of my mouth every night during prayer: God, lead and direct us as we raise Jaxon. Help me not to question every little thing I do. Help him to always know that I love him, and more importantly, that you love him.
Trying to balance my relationship with Jaxon and my relationship with Tyler is a whole other story. The two types of love for the boys are obviously completely different, yet I love them both so immensly and completely that I can't fully comprehend it. Last night as I prayed I said "God, my love for Jaxon is so deep that the thought of you loving all of your children even deeper is....... how can I even try to understand?"
My house gets to be a disaster area at times, but it's not high on my priority list at this point in life. Spending time with Jaxon is more important - not to mention, more fun!
I think it would be fun to be a photographer. I am seriously contemplating taking classes... but then my mind quickly goes to: more time away from Jax? Maybe later in life.
I wish I had time to go to the gym. I wish life would slow down. And I wish, just for a minute, that the clock would stand still so that I could breathe.
Megan.
ReplyDeleteLet me just tell you this: You. are. an. AMAZING. mommy!!
Jaxon is SO blessed to have you, and no parent is perfect, but from what i can tell, you are pretty stinkin' close! That little boy gets so much love from you and Tyler, and he's so lucky to have you!
I'm sorry that life is so crazy right now. :( I'll be praying for you!!
You're awesome! :)
Sister, first off, i'm sorry that I didn't answer my phone tonight.
ReplyDeleteSecond off-Agreeing with Becca, you are amazing in EVERYTHING you do. You handle and do so much more than I could ever imagine and God has put this overwhelming love in your heart for every aspect of your relationships with Jaxon and Tyler. You ask yourself questions, but I only think you ask yourself questions because you are doing everything so perfectly! Jaxon knows you. He loves you. You are the only one who can calm him when he's crabby, he knows your voice, your touch, and how much you love him. He feels safe.
Tyler knows you also love him very much. He appreciates everything you do, including working. He may not verbalize it all the time, but his love for you and his little boy is at the same level that you are feeling too.
Meg, you are an inspiration to me. I want to be the mother and wife that you and Mom are. You are beautiful, noble, caring, and genuine. Please know that you are perfect. I miss you so much.
i'm sitting here (awake too late) with tears streaming down my face. I think what you should be doing is writing a book. A real one. I dont even know how that starts, or what specifically it would be about, but I'm telling you - you have a way of bringing emotion out of anything. Happy, sad, scared...I feel it all when I read a paragraph about your life.
ReplyDeleteNext, you are amazing. You are doing it all ... nursing while working a full time job (anyone who hasn't done it cannot pretend to relate), meeting with VP's, maintaining a home, your marriage is thriving and your child is beautiful; he loves you and he knows you, trusts you, and misses you.
I know I joke all the time about how it's no big deal anymore (now that my kids are older) but truthfully, it's still hard. I still struggle after a long weekend, and when I see them pick up wonderful habits I find myself furious that i'm paying so much money for that only to stop my mind and think about how I could care less about the money. It's exhausting. It's hard.
When you contemplate things like never showing up to your job again, dont think about how there would be no money, think about what you could do to replace the money - or fill in whatever gaps. Photography would be amazing, because you're great at it. Some type of blogging where you get paid like through a parenting magazine would be amazing. something you could enjoy and do at your own pace, on your terms.
I'm out of tears and out of words. I love you and I know what youre going through, though it's clear you cry out to God in a way that I should more often...more tears.
I love you.