January photo a day.

I joined in on the January photo a day challenge via Instagram... one of the many reasons to get an iPhone, *cough* Kallie *cough*.

And in the blink of an eye, the first month of 2012 is over.

Happy Day.

{source}

Happy Birthday to me.  :)

I spent the weekend with my parents who came to celebrate my big day, and today I will spend it with my boys.  Jaxon said "Happy Bird-day" and "Mommy, open your bird-day" to me this morning which has already made my day.  Tonight we celebrate with my best friend and her husband, and in a couple days again with some of the best friends a girl could have.

Another year down and I'm so thankful for the opportunity to be here and see what this next year will bring. I don't know who/what I thought I'd be when I was in this stage of my life... but I'm so happy, and I'd like to think that's what really matters.

Also?  I'm officially in my "upper" 20's.  Yikes. 

Recruiting help.

But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control.

Galations 5:22-23

If you've been around Jaxon on a rough day, you know this child is a screamer.  He has a set of lungs like I've never heard.

The scariest part?  He's just like Mommy.

I say this with no disrespect to my family, but we are yellers.  Not necessarily something to be proud of, but it's the truth.  We're loud.  We can go from zero to 100 in a few seconds flat, not even thinking twice about it. It took me a long time to even recognize this, but the Lord began to convict me of it within the last couple years, which made me want to change for my boys.  I don't want them to grow up in a house where they are yelled at by their Mom.  This is daily battle for me.  I want to be better at extending grace, practicing patience... someday, I want someone to describe me as "gentle", which is almost laughable at this point.  Every morning as I have my quiet time I pray for these attributes, and while I can definitely see improvements from 2 years ago, I say with honesty that I still have my moments.

So now I'm here, asking for your help.  I need some suggestions on how to break Jaxon of this habit of yelling.  Just like I used to, he goes from 0 to 100 in seconds.  He gets so angry that his veins on his neck look like they might pop.  I want to try and help him learn to control his temper at a young age, so that he doesn't have to worry about this as an adult.  I want him to be gentle, to be kind, to be patient.  The same things I work on daily, I want to help him with as well.

But, I'm at a complete loss in what to do.  As soon as he starts getting mad and I can tell he's on the verge of losing it, I try and catch it and tell him gently that he needs to calm down.  If he doesn't listen and loses his temper, then we usually try time out... which is a joke, because he screams the entire time, defeating the purpose.  We've sent him to his room to calm down, we've taken away trains and monkey jammies (ahh, the horror)... I feel like none of these work, because his reaction to being disciplined is yelling, screaming, throwing, and kicking... again, defeating the purpose.

I can't help but feel like I've completely failed some days.  I can see that this is a learned behavior and for too long he saw the wrong side of me.  Now I feel like I'm trying to back-track, when maybe I could have prevented it from the beginning if I would have been more self aware.  Ugh, parenting is so hard and so often I feel unequipped.

If you have any thoughts or ideas, please pass them my way.  I'm pretty desperate to change this, but have no idea how.

Insecurity.

Many of you already know that I love music.  Any kind of music actually, but specifically the worship genre.  Growing up in a musically talented home probably contributed a lot to this... being involved in every kind of choir, worship team, and band that I could find most likely did as well.  My Dad was a worship leader in our church growing up, and I was proud to follow in his footsteps.  I lead worship for our youth group (and for our church congregation from time to time) for 2 years before graduating, then my plan was to attend Mid America Nazarene University and get my degree in music ministry.  I'd graduate 4 years later with a great, high-paying degree (ha!), debt free of course (double ha!), lead worship in a church, and live happily ever after.

Except, that didn't happen.  Less than a month before I was scheduled to leave Iowa and go to MNU and room with my best friend, I attended a worship conference in Colorado Springs called Desperation.  While we were there, I could not ignore the Lord's voice and signs clearly leading me to New Life School of Worship.  Putting all of my previous plans aside, taking a huge risk, not knowing a soul in Colorado... I decided to go.  

I loved...LOVED...my time there.  I learned SO much from some of the best worship leaders in our country.  I lead worship by myself once a week in the prayer center, and made some amazing friendships along the way.  One of my professors (who was also the worship Pastor), took me under his wing.  He encouraged me in my abilities and spoke some truth into my life that I too often forget. 

All of this to say, Monday night I am leading worship for our small group.  A group of 7 couples who Tyler and I love like a second family.  People we've journeyed along for the past couple years... who have been with us in our ups and downs and anywhere in-between.  These people are some of our greatest friends.

But, here's the truth.

I am scared ...to ... death to lead worship for them next week.

You see, normally my role is one of a supporter.  Our worship Pastor {who is also a close friend of ours and also apart of our small group} is great, and I love serving on Sunday mornings alongside him.  Did you catch that?  Alongside him... leading worship by myself is terrifying to me.

I told a friend recently that I keep coming up with every excuse in the book to not lead.  Maybe I'll conveniently catch the flu next Monday... or maybe I'll just be honest and explain that I'm not comfortable doing it by myself.

Of course, just as I'm starting to make those things a reality, the Lord reminds me that I can do this.  I have the training, I have the experience... AND He will equip me for whatever I need. 

You see, my voice is not perfect... in fact, it's far from it.  Out of all the students and the major talent at School of Worship, I was definitely far from being the best.  I have a horrible excuse for a good vocal range.  I am extremely self conscious... I am insecure in my voice.  But I will tell you, my heart is in it.  I love to lead worship, NOT because of the spotlight or the attention, but because I love to worship.  I love the art in leading worship.  I love to try and create an atmosphere where people can let go and just spend time with Jesus.  Most of all -- I love how it has NOTHING to do with me and EVERYTHING to do with Him. 

So no... I'm not the best. Far from it. 

But, I am trusting in Him to take my best and give me everything else I need.  

I believe that I will be blessed for my efforts.

I am hopeful that it will be a deep and meaningful time.

And I'm praying for the hearts of those friends who will be there with me.

What about you?  If you're comfortable sharing, what is something that you're afraid (or even terrified) of doing, yet you clearly feel called to?  Even if means leaving an "anonymous" comment, I'd love to hear from you.  Maybe just saying it out loud will give you the boost you need to get it done.

I love sharing my journey with you guys.  Thanks for reading. 

Don’t be afraid, for I am with you. 

Don’t be discouraged, for I am your God. 

I will strengthen you and help you. 

I will hold you up with my victorious right hand.

Isaiah 41:10

Updates.

Just a few random updates around our home that have taken place...

First up, I've been stalking Craigslist lately looking for a table for our playroom.  I really wanted a Pottery Barn Kids table, but I knew the only way that would happen is with a good Craigslist deal.  Sure enough, the Lord pulled through and provided this PBK table for a fraction of what it cost brand new.

If you've been to our house, you know that our kitchen is in dire need of storage space.  When we first moved in, we had our pots & pans below the oven, which made it impossible to use them without having to take them all out and put them all back in.  Such a hassle.  My Mom and Sister were out at garage sales one day and found this pot holder from Ikea, still brand new in the package plus the hardware, for $10.  

{info on kitchen cart here}

My Sister and I were thrifting one day, when I saw this empty frame.  It needed some paint, but I couldn't pass on the $2 price tag.  I painted it with a color I already had from my bench project...and wa-la, cheap, easy, and cute! 

That same day I saw a set of shutters for $2.  I took them apart and gave one to my Sister, hot glued the boards together so they wouldn't flip around, and gave it a good clean job.  Now it sits by our front door to remind me to put bills or cards in the mail.  

Nothing overly exciting, but just a few fun (and cheap) updates!