Just being real.

Most days, I am happy.

And if I'm not, for whatever reason, I try really hard to see the positives in my life, which really does make me happy.

Today, I just feel so ... sigh... feeling sorry for myself, I guess. Missing both of our families. Missing my friends. Missing Jaxon's buddies and playmates. Missing our community of fellowship from church. Missing the fall, cooler weather. Missing missing missing.

It makes me sad when I think about staying overnight in the hospital room by myself. It makes me sad to think that all of our family and friends won't be there to meet the baby before we leave the hospital. {side note: my Mom and Grandma are coming, along with Tyler's family at some point. So that is a happy side note.} It makes me sad when I look at all of Jaxon's pictures and see our entire family there the night he was born. It makes me sad to see one of my closest friends Karalie at our side, caring for us and Jaxon. It makes me sad that my siblings and my Dad won't even meet my new son until Thanksgiving. It makes me sad that my sister won't sneak into my house while I'm sleeping with my newborn and do dishes for me. We had company pretty much non-stop in our hospital room celebrating our new baby boy, and this time around I'm just terrified of sitting there alone. It just makes me sad that things are going to be so different this time around.

And I'm scared. I'm scared to be a Mom to 2. I'm scared I won't have enough love, enough patience, enough time in the day to tell them both how much I love them. I'm scared Jaxon will feel replaced. I'm scared he won't understand. I'm scared of nursing again, and recovering from a c-section again with a 1 1/2 year old to chase after. I'm scared of never showering again and never getting any sleep or time in the day to just breathe. I'm scared of not loving this child the way I do Jaxon. I'm scared I won't be good enough for both of them. I'm scared they are both going to need me at the same time and I won't be able to help them both... who will I help first? I'm scared of my husband and my relationship going south because of the stress of it all. I'm scared of doing all these things without any support, without any friends and family nearby.

I realize these are 'consequences' of us moving away. I realize that, and obviously don't blame anyone for it. We moved here for a reason. To be together, to have stability, to have medical benefits. We moved here because God wanted us to. Why? ... I'm just not sure yet.

I feel bad even complaining, like I'm not allowed to. I mean, I expressed for how long that I'd go anywhere just to be with my husband and son and be together again. And I really did (do) mean that. I just cannot understand why the things had to happen the way they did ... why in January Tyler got laid-off to begin with. Why he essentially got laid-off again before even starting a new job 6 months later, which would have allowed us to stay in KC. Why we always have to live so far from our families. Why. Those are questions I may never have answered, and I have to be able to accept that... somehow.

Don't get me wrong... overall we really are happy here. Tyler coming home each night, eating dinner together, seeing my boys play together, falling asleep together... those are things I cherish and to this day appreciate more than I ever did before. Maybe that's the reason... maybe that's the answer for those questions. To help me not take for granted those things in life that I always just expected and never fully appreciated.

Today, I just feel sad. Tears keep coming out of my eyes. Jaxon just keeps looking at me and rubbing my leg to console me. Just as your Momma used to say ... sometimes, life just isn't fair.

On a lighter note ...

Guess what I got today in the mail. A hand-written letter from my sister. It, of course, brought me to tears ... but what doesn't these days? I swear I have some kind of crazy-pregnant-lady-always-crying syndrome. Poor Tyler... I'll be lucky if he doesn't admit me to a psych ward before my pregnancy ends.

She also sent me this recipe - Pumpkin Roll with Cream Cheese Filling. The only bad thing about this? I need to have it. Right now. You better believe I'll be making it tonight, or tomorrow. Whenever I can get myself to the grocery store.

Thanks for making me smile today, Sister.

The Lord will perfect that which concerns me; Your mercy and loving-kindness, O Lord, endure forever -- forsake not the works of Your own hands.

Psalm 138:8

Pizza burgers.

Here's another recipe I made recently that we really enjoyed so I thought I would share. It's actually a family recipe of mine, and I remember my Mom making these frequently through our childhood, but I haven't ever made them myself and while sorting through my recipe basket looking for some new meal ideas, thought I'd give it a chance. Glad I did -- we both really liked them!

Pizza Burgers

- 2 lb hamburgers

- 1 can spam, grated (recipe calls for a large can, but I found the smallest one I could and used that much)

- 1 pound velveeta cheese, grated

- 1 jar Tomato Sauce

- 1 jar Pizza Sauce

- 1 tsp sage

- 1 tsp oregano

- Mozzarella cheese

- Hamburger buns

NOTE: This will make a very large batch, so unless you are feeding an army, you may want to cut the recipe in half, or plan on freezing the leftover meat mixture for a later time.

1. Brown hamburger, and drain excess grease.

2. Add grated spam. (believe me when I say I am not a spam fan, but I bit the bullet and added a little bit, per my husbands request. You can't taste it at all.)

3. Add grated velveeta cheese (try not to cut up your fingers like I did in the process... ouch)

4. Add jar of tomato sauce, and pizza sauce.

5. Add both seasonings (I also added some pizza seasoning, cuz that's just how I roll.)

6. Mix it all together, and heat until the mixture is hot.

7. Spoon heaping tablespoons onto each half of a hamburger bun. (Do not use huge oversized hamburger buns like I did... they will be better if they are the small, regular sized buns.)

8. Add some mozzarella cheese to the top of each burger.

9. Bake at 350 for 15-20 minutes. You want the bun to be crispy, so that they aren't soggy.

10. ENJOY! :)

Progress, take two.

A little follow-up to my "progress" post from the other day ... here's some of the stuff I've received in the mail recently.

First up, my Carters clothes order ...

It came full of itsy bitsy teenie tiny clothes that I "ooooed" and "awwwwwwed" over for hours after opening the package. The clothes are so tiny. It is hard to remember Jaxon ever being that small!! Tyler got home that night and as I was showing them to him, said "who is gonna fit in those?" ;)

I love Carters clothes and LOVE their prices and sales ... got all of these items on clearance for less than $35. Mama score!

Next up ... my much anticipated Pottery Barn Kids order arrived ...

I've never had a "designer" diaper bag before and I actually felt a little guilty buying this ... but it was on sale AND I had a coupon. And my husband kept telling me it was okay, and that I deserved it for taking care of Jaxon alone all summer. So okay, okay... you twisted my arm... I got it.

And the bedding? Well, after discussing forever if we should get new toddler bedding or new crib bedding, we decided on the crib bedding, because -- and I quote -- "I don't want Jaxon to feel like {insert baby's name here} is taking over all his stuff." -- were Tyler's exact words. Awww, my heart just melted, again. So I went with a boats theme, only because I couldn't find any "transportation" bedding I liked. Now I just need Jaxon to move to his big boy bed so I can put this new bedding up.

See what I'm talkin' about people?! It's progress.

I love getting packages. The UPS man probably seriously thinks I'm crazy by now. Maybe it would be fun to be a UPS/FedEx driver. I mean, who doesn't love getting mail? Maybe it would be fun to deliver happiness to people. Just another thought from my crazy train.

Back to my to-do list ...

Giveaway winner!!!

Thanks to everyone who entered in my very first giveaway!!

The winner is...

Angie from www.thatangiegirl.com

I used random.org and it chose #5... she had the 5th comment.

Thanks again! And congrats Ang! I'll send your gift card out this week!

Biker dude.

Jaxon got his first "real" bike this summer while we were visiting my inlaws in Iowa at their 4th of July town celebration. He saw it parked in the garage this weekend and kept kicking and screaming for it, so we thought we'd let him take it for a spin.

His feet don't quite reach the pedals, and he hasn't figured out how to make it go on his own... so unless Daddy is pushing him, he just sits on it.

Those dimples... ahh, they make me melt.

Guess if I can't ride it, I'll push it.

Your feet need to grow just a few more inches to ride it ... maybe next summer, buddy.