TGIF

This has been the longest week ever.

My mind is a war zone.

Leaving Jaxon is so hard. Everyone always says it will get easier, but it hasn't. Every day I contemplate walking out of my job, or not showing up. Hearing about what he's doing and thinking about all I'm missing is one of the worst feelings I've experienced. Wondering if he even misses me is worse.

Nursing and pumping is hard. It takes up so much of my time while I'm at work, and it's hard to not sit and think solely about what I'm missing while doing so. On the other hand, I love and cherish those quiet, bonding moments I experience with him later in the day... it makes it worth my time. I am not ready to quit yet, although I may not make it to a year like I originally planned solely because I have way too much already, and it's going to waste if we don't use it.

I question everything... (is that normal? oh crap, another question.)

I wonder if he think I'm boring. Do I talk to him enough? Maybe the reason he doesn't talk very much is because I don't talk to him enough. Am I reading to him enough and does this book stimulate his brain like it should? Does he feel safe at home? Does he know I'm his mom? Can he tell me apart from his babysitter? Is it bad that he watches TV? Maybe I should go on a walk with him so he won't think I'm boring. What kind of toys would be better for him? Is he too hot, too cold? I wonder if I feed him too much. Why won't he make eye contact with me? Would he even notice if I stop nursing? Is he developing properly? I wonder if he'd like this toy. Are the prayers that I pray for him the right things to pray for?

That is just what ran through my mind in about 30 seconds... so you can imagine what goes through my mind in a matter of the day.

Something that comes out of my mouth every night during prayer: God, lead and direct us as we raise Jaxon. Help me not to question every little thing I do. Help him to always know that I love him, and more importantly, that you love him.

Trying to balance my relationship with Jaxon and my relationship with Tyler is a whole other story. The two types of love for the boys are obviously completely different, yet I love them both so immensly and completely that I can't fully comprehend it. Last night as I prayed I said "God, my love for Jaxon is so deep that the thought of you loving all of your children even deeper is....... how can I even try to understand?"

My house gets to be a disaster area at times, but it's not high on my priority list at this point in life. Spending time with Jaxon is more important - not to mention, more fun!

I think it would be fun to be a photographer. I am seriously contemplating taking classes... but then my mind quickly goes to: more time away from Jax? Maybe later in life.

I wish I had time to go to the gym. I wish life would slow down. And I wish, just for a minute, that the clock would stand still so that I could breathe.

playing at the park.

I am so blessed...

Looking for some honest opinions...

First things first ... why do design/decorating ideas always look better in your head?

I have been dreaming up how to arrange this picture collage for a while, and even drew sketches trying to make sure I love my idea before spending all the money to buy materials. Well, I convinced myself to just go for it, and here's the end result... and now I sit and ponder if I really like it or not.

What are your thoughts? Too much? Not enough? Move 'this' frame over to 'this' side? Ditch the entire idea?

Alright... before I drive myself batty, let me know what you think. {And don't mind the baby jumperoo... baby stuff is taking over my house.}

i want this!!!

image found here

yes, it's a want - not a need. but it's just so gosh-darn-cute!! and... it's on sale. :) hmmmm...